Destitute Ragamuffins of the B-School Will Finally Have Shelter

The weak cries from Tulane’s most sorrowful program have been heard and at long last the waifs of the A.B. Freeman School of Business will be sheltered by a 45,000 square foot, 4-story addition that architecture majors have described as “showy and obscene,” “a glorified lobby,” and “get that thing away from me.”


Slowly wasting away in business casual, the students of the business school have been forced to watch as other departments carried out obscene acts of avarice such as the Africana Studies department getting the cash to buy new pens, the Hebrew department buying a vowel , and the History department finally hiring exorcist to take care of the racist ghost of F. Edward Hebert. “Every dollar that does not go to the Business School is a stab in the back. How dare the library build an atrium when they know that my students wouldn’t dare step foot in there,” said management professor Billiam Jefferton, before sending false information to U.S. News & World Report.


Gone are the days of Liberal Arts students stunting from their gilded ivory towers. Perhaps now the poor, wretched souls of the A.B. Freeman school of business won’t burst into tears of jealousy at all of the ostentatious basement snapchats from boastful Gender Studies majors, as they will finally have a $35 million shoebox to call their own.


Senior Zadwell Lushringer testified between sobs of relief. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve printed just thousands of pages of gibberish just out of pure angst. Now I just hope to be able to seek shelter in the sweeping three-story atrium. Thank goodness they got rid of the public square.”


“The Science and Engineering kids have always been relentless in their taunting, using their goggle straps to slingshot chunks of gneiss at us,” said AKPsi President Genvieve Vanderwoodski. “It’s not our fault that we will one day own the pharmaceutical companies they will toil for. I mean, I’m in MCOM, I bet that’s harder than orgo.”


Sadie O’Leary, a freshman who has only gone riverside of Freret for Mardi Gras, expressed her excitement. “I hope that I’ll be able to see the construction from my room in Butler!” Reports confirm that Butler’s foundation of compressed rat turds, mold, and shower drain hair has not yet collapsed, so little Sadie may well get to watch the structure’s construction from her dorm.


President Fitts had the last word, “Everyone keeps talking about a Liberal Arts education. I was like hey, what about the poor little B School kids? Imagine the impact that these future leaders of industry could have if just given a lil’ shelter to keep their blow dry.”

Poor Guys!

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