Crime of the Century: Sophomore Smuggler Discusses Beer-In-The-Backpack Racket

Speaking to press for the first time from his isolated cell in a maximum security prison, sophomore Jake Generowitz finally discussed his underground beer-smuggling racket with the Vignette.


“I guess they finally caught on, those pigs,” said Generowitz, from behind a pane of bulletproof glass. “Took them long enough. I mean, it was genius. The beer was in the backpack. I walked right by them every time”


Generowitz agreed with the Vignette to discuss his method of smuggling beer from the Boot Store back to his dormitory, Phelps Hall. “It was real easy, real sweet. I’d buy the beer, tip the cashier a little dough for keepin’ his mouth shut, and be on my way. Meanwhile, I’d have a couple cronies waiting outside to pack the goods in backpacks. We’d load up the booze, and walk back across campus real smooth, sometimes even stopping for a chat with a dim-witted RA before heading back into my room for distribution.”


According to chief RA Jan Belinski, the force was just waiting for the right time to make their move. “We knew it was Generowitz the whole time… We just didn’t know how. Putting something like beer where school supplies usually go… cold blooded. God have mercy. God have mercy on us all.”


So how did Generowitz end up in prison, The Vignette asked.


“Well, we were just going to refer him to basics, but then he started screaming about being ‘the goddamn king of Tulane’ and threw a brick at a freshmen. So, we decided to lock him up for his own good”, responded Belinski.


Asking for any final words, Generowitz responded “I’m the goddamn King of Tulane. You can’t fuck with the king. You can’t fuck with him! Eat my brick!”

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