Cockroach Fighting Ring Found in Butler

On the evening of September 29, 2013, the Tulane University Police Department apprehended an illegal cockroach-fighting ring in Butler. Sources say that the ring was quite lucrative, with involved students betting anywhere from $500 to $1,000 Wavebucks per fight. The authorities also found a plethora of narcotics and steroids used to train and condition the cockroaches.

“The fighting ring started because we had all of these cockroaches and we didn’t know how to get rid of them,” commented an anonymous freshman involved in the ring. “It made perfect sense to use the cockroaches for profit.”

According to the TUPD there were about a dozen cockroaches found, who were then returned to their natural habitat of the Butler shower drains. None of the cockroaches showed any lasting physical damage, as, in the words of freshman Max Sidwell, “it’s crazy hard to get rid of those sons of bitches.”

PETA also decided to show up to the scene of the crime and picket the controversial practice of cockroach fighting. Some of the signs included “Cockroaches have feelings too,” and the ever-popular, “Keep away from cock(roaches).” The leader of the protest, Rainn Dawson, who was dressed as a giant cockroach, remarked, “We take our jobs very seriously. This costume represents the voice that we strive to give these repulsive creatures.”

When asked to comment on the situation a TUPD officer reported, “We’ve never seen anything like this before. However, I’m hardly surprised. There are so many cockroaches in that building, it was bound to happen sooner or later. Now we know to our eyes out for a tiny lizard or campus cat fighting ring.”


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