CLOWNS IN TOWN, BIG FROWN: What You Need To Know This Clown Season

As if our nation didn’t have enough shit going down, the past few weeks have seen a noticeable increase in creepy clown sightings throughout the country. With the changing weather, flocks of clowns have migrated from the north in their iconic V formation and most recently, several Tulane students reportedly saw one of the creatures Monday night.

 

“I was like, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK,” said junior Allie Goffman, remembering the incident.

 

Having faced past criticism for slow responses, TUPD reacted to the reports of a single clown and created a perimeter in record time. According to witnesses, more than 40 officers piled out of a single patrol car, and an additional dozen arrived on the scene via unicycle.

 

Despite the police response and the quick dismissal of the case as a hoax, some felt they must take matters into their own hands.

 

“The clown huntin’ life chose me when my Ma got pied in the face when I was just a young whippersnapper.” said vigilante clown buster, Buster Clownman, “They usually move in packs in the dark of night, but this little bastard must’ve gotten separated. A death sentence if you ask me,” Buster sighed as he fueled up his flamethrower.

 

Thanks to one sorority’s GroupMe, which is now being considered for a Pulitzer, news of the sighting was disseminated to the entire Greater New Orleans Region within 37 seconds. Soon, many Tulane students had taken to social media with their own opinions about the sighting.

 

“If the clown was a hoax, then why are all my shoes so big and red?” asked sophomore Steven Bing.


Freshman engineering student Ricky Balmaceda reported being an avid believer in the clown, despite seeming to not quite know what a clown is. “Yeah I saw the clown,” he said, nodding a little too much. “With its four legs and its duck-like bill, laying an egg right outside Warren.”

 

One disgruntled faculty member expressed frustration with how much attention the clown was taking away from real campus issues. “Like the circus on the fourth floor of Newcomb,” said Italian literature professor Marya Cranston. “Every day I have to help the stilt-walkers that have fallen on those godforsaken stairs, all while enveloped in the stench of elephant dung.”

 

Coach Fritz took matters into his own hands. “We are at DefClown 1, people!” Fritz shouted as he loaded a t-shirt cannon with dynamite and used Riptide as an avian shield.
Fitts would have released a statement, but at press time he was paralyzed by fear, hiding under his bed and humming, “My Favorite Things.”

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