Category Archives: Weather

Tulane Villagers Fear Mysterious Curse of “Rain”

As a wet substance fell from the heavens over the weekend, Tulane villagers were seen huddled inside of their cottages, cowering from the phenomenon known to Western scientists as “rain.”

“I do not know what this is. Perhaps a scourge from the days of old, haunting me from my home village of the Land of Cleve” said freshman Isabel Citadel from her rudimentary shelter known as ‘Patterson.’ “This heaven-water makes little sense to me” continued Citadel, citing the presence of palm trees, previously sunny weather, and her total ignorance of spring weather patterns in southern Louisiana.

As the watery curse sent villagers into a frenzy, many lamented the plague of precipitation through written word, attaching scribed parchment to the town Yak, and guiding the beast from household to household. “Oh lord, what be this wet shit? I believèd I have come to New Orleans for sunshine, not these sky-droplets,” read one note attached to the yak. Another popular note read, “Doth any maiden wish to watch Netflix and cuddle? For I am a lonesome squire :(((((.” The hieroglyph that followed this note is believed by anthropologists to signal “intense sadness.”

Although the presence of rain baffled younger members of the village, more wisened villagers were familiar with such occurrences and were happy to pass down oral histories. “Ah yes, I know of this rain,” said senior Tyler Lenol while chugging a mug of meade. “Tis that stuff which comes down and marks the changing of the seasons.” Lenol also noted that the rains signaled the beginning of the festival of Crawfest, “which continues to be inauspiciously planned during the only goddamn time of the year it rains.”

While Tulane villagers remained confused and fearful of the water falling from the sky, primitive inhabitants of the neighboring community of ‘Loyola’ were similarly confused by the existence of water falling from showerheads.

6 Weeks After Isaac, Freshman Still Awaiting All Clear

Six Weeks after Hurricane Isaac, freshman student Arnold Cornroy is still evacuated waiting at his home in Tampa, Florida for the final all clear from Tulane president Scott Cowen.

“Yah know, just playing it safe” commented Conroy, speaking to us in his living room, sitting next to his mother and grandmother, “I know that Isaac was pretty serious and stuff, a whole lot of rain. I just want to make sure everything at campus is all clear before I go back, just to yah know, be safe.”

When asked what he was worried about, Conroy responded that he “didn’t know, just general hurricane stuff.”

Conroy, who has lived through numerous hurricanes living in Tampa, stayed for the duration of the hurricane in his dorm room, but left the weekend after the power came back on.

“We don’t know what else to do” Commented Cornroy’s mother Babarbra, “We got Scott Cowen to call the house… we even put him on an airplane, he just showed back up on our doorstep one day later. We asked him what happened but all he would do is shrug and say ‘nah, nah its really ok, don’t worry about it’.”

Conroy said there is no timetable for his return, just “yah know, whenever is most convenient for the university.” Conroy seems to be waiting for the website posting hurricane updates to send a personal invitation for his return.

“I know there was that really bad smell in the hallway during the hurricane.” Said Conroy, “I’m just kind of waiting for that pass.”

When told that was Conroy’s reason for not returning, Tulane representative David Leroy responded by saying, “Oh, that’s actually fair. That smells pretty repulsive.”