Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Was President Fitts in Sharp During Tropical Storm Nate?

Thursday, October 12th, 2017

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Tulane President Michael Fitts’s location during Tropical Storm Nate has been called into question after reports from a number of different sources have asserted that he was not at home with his family but rather spending his time in Sharp Hall.

“We were told to keep an eye out for him, yeah,” said Allied Officer Scott Brown, a known guru of Sharp security matters. “Administration was freaking out. They asked us fifteen times over the phone if we were prepared to open the door for him in case of rain. ‘He hates closing his umbrella outside,’ they kept saying, ‘please make sure he doesn’t get wet, he gets uncomfortable when he’s damp.’ I don’t really know what ended up happening, I split to City Diner when Modern Family came on at 9.”

The thought-provoking question is not whether Fitts did or did not stay overnight in Sharp during Nate, but rather why he would have gone in the first place. Public Health upperclassmen were quick to note that due to the suspicious absence of recent disease outbreaks in the building, it was entirely possible that Fitts was heading to Sharp to drop off a Stall Street Journal issue celebrating the dorm’s first week free of new herpes cases (Congrats!). Others have suggested that he may have been participating in the Facebook event “Hold Back Hurricane Nate with Your Bare, Pruny Hands.”

Fitts has worked tirelessly these past few months to change the drinking culture on Tulane’s campus, sending two emails about the matter. Perhaps he was planning to go to Sharp to get an inside look at where and why Tulanians drink in their own habitat. The view from the ivory Gibson tower is known for its distortions of civic and private life at Tulane. Recent incidents of arson, property damage, and general havoc in the building have caused concern among faculty and students alike. Alex Klezmer, a film major and a Sharp 3 occupant, agreed. “Pretty sure he was gonna Undercover Boss us.”

One Sharp Hall RA on an undisclosed floor revealed that yes, his team had prepared a room for him, and adhered as closely as possible to his request to make it look “y’know, natural.” They hung up a Pulp Fiction poster.

Whatever his motives, uncertainty about whether or not Fitts spent the night in Sharp remains. Conspiracy theorists note that the suspicious fire alarm set off at 8 PM would have let him enter the building discreetly with the other students. Maybe the question is not “did Fitts hide in Sharp,” but rather, “is Fitts still in Sharp?”

Boo! Pregnancy Scare Is The First Spook of October!

Wednesday, October 4th, 2017

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October has arrived, and that means candy, costumes, and accidental conception. Freshman Cassidy Peters loves a good spook, and she managed to conquer the scariest of them all—an unwanted pregnancy scare! Spooky! “It started out fun, I brought my BFF Sabrina to Walmart for pregnancy test trick or treat,” Peters told The Vignette. Reportedly, Peters was seen parading through Walmart’s aisles, filling her trick-or-treat bag with scary goodies like Hershey’s Kisses, Mars Bars, and Clear Blue First Response.

Back at Tulane, Peters had to face the haunted house that is the Sharp 3 bathroom. “The cockroaches crawling around, the creepy broken mirror, the ghoulish screeching coming from the pregame next door—I felt like I was in the middle of SAW,” the maybe-mommy described. Finally, Peters overcame scariest part of them all—the result. “When that tiny check or minus won’t show up fast enough, it really gets your heart pumping. What an adrenaline rush!” Peters says her pregnancy scare was a fright to be remembered. “I can’t wait until Halloween now! I’m going to be a cat!”

Forty Other Forties: Why Tulane Doesn’t Miss Thirty-Nine but Would Totally Hook-Up If It Drunk Texted Her

Thursday, September 21st, 2017

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Recently Tulane rose in the ranks of colleges, increasing in the US News ranks from thirty-nine to forty, or in Fitz’s words, from “a kind-of-okay number” to “my lucky number according to a Buzzfeed quiz”. We fought off Princeton and Harvard, those two poor sops having to settle for one and two, and now we can relish our admittance into the Flirty, Fun, and Forty Club. Listed below are other esteemed club members who have ranked fortieth or embodying forty-ment.

  • The fortieth best ice cream flavor is Banana Mint, a frozen classic for people who have no taste buds
  • Watching Paint Dry on Refurbished Uptown Houses ranked fortieth in “Best Tides Classes” and number one in “Reasons You Should Go to Orientation”
  • The pudding waggler was named the fortieth best sex position

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  • 40 is the highest number ever counted to on Sesame street
  • The fortieth best player on the Baby Cakes, John Bowinkle, kind of went on the field once.
  • South Dakota was the 40th state to become a state (But ranked fourth in states New Yorker’s forget exist)
  • Quarantined ships during the Bubonic plague had to be isolated in the harbor for forty days. Why? Because nothing cures deadly illnesses like an awesome number
  • There are forty spaces on a Monopoly board

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  • Shakira is 40 years old. Forever.
  • On average pregnancies last forty weeks
  • Big foot was spotted on the fortieth day of the month of May last year
  • Brent, the hotter roommate, has had forty hook-ups over his college career
  • Paul, the other roommate, has been turned down forty times when interrupting to ask if “they need anyone, I mean anything”
  • The phrase “Yeah we are not really a sport’s school” was uttered forty times by Tulane students two minutes into this year’s first tail gate
  • The 1940’s possessed the invention of the microwave, slinky and the atomic bomb
  • “My Achey Heart Breaky” by the KissFace Boys ranked fortieth on the “Top Forty” charts in 2006
  • “Paul’s: Some Okay Food” ranked the fortieth best restaurant in Metairie
  • Gerald and Melg were this year’s fortieth most popular baby names
  • Edgy Teen Killer People ranked fortieth for hottest new ABC Family shows
  • Sardine crumbles ranked fortieth for best pizza toppings

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  • Ronald Reagan was the fortieth president
  • Boss Baby ranked fortieth for best movies this year
  • Rachel Ray’s Forty Dollars a Day inspired a generation to hate Rachel Ray
  • Most women never turn forty but rather stay thirty-nine until their kids figure it out and tell everyone anyway, “Mom has been thirty-nine for six years now”
  • Forty divided by four is the number of items that got skipped on this list
  • 40 steps from Bruff was where the infamous “Debbie puked on a cop” incident occurred
  • The LA Blue-Ballers ranked fortieth in their recreational baseball league last year
  • An Insidious Moth Ball Penetrates the World is ranked fortieth on the 2015 Bestseller list
  • Moony Holloway was in her fortieth porno this year. She will be in a project this year with porn newcomer Not Ted Cruz
  • Tom Goldstein was the fortieth person to be picked up by TEMS this year. He had swallowed a foam finger while barred out.

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  • Forty voicemails have been left by Tulane to thirty-nine, asking if it is happy with that bitch Boston University

Breaking: Fitts Drunkenly Texts Student Body Telling Them to Drink Less

Wednesday, September 20th, 2017

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Students across Tulane’s campus woke up this morning to some strange late-night text messages from President “Mike” Fitts, requesting that they drink less alcohol. In his drunken stupor Fitts must have forgotten he was no longer in the land of the Quakers, but now President of a school that literally has its own official beer.

iPhone X Features Preloaded Angry Taylor Swift Voicemails

Tuesday, September 19th, 2017


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If you’re a music fan, this week just got awesome.

Apple’s highly anticipated unveiling of their new iPhone X included a special treat for all new owners of the gadget. All iPhone Xs will come with a personalized, spiteful, and deeply insulting hate voicemail from none other than the current Queen of Pop, Taylor Swift.

“Apple is proud to announce our partnership with one of the great musicians of her generation, Taylor Swift, in our newest attempt at cutting edge user-oriented content. Every new phone comes with a hateful voicemail from Ms. Swift that directly addresses and verbally undresses each individual iPhone X user!” Apple CEO Tim Cook announced at Monday’s unveiling, swathed in thick violet robes with a genetically engineered python draped across his shoulders. “I’m really excited about this one. Steve may have invented the iPhone, but Tim Cook gave you angry voicemails from Taylor Swift. That’s real innovation.”

New iPhone X owner Chad Whitehaven talked to the Vignette about the quirky new feature earlier this week.
“Yeah, it’s really aggressive and also really personal. She told me I’d messed with her for the last time, and that I’d never live up to my own expectations, especially not with my stupid job and ugly fiance. I think she was pretty plastered when she recorded it. Honestly, it’s a pretty legitimate message. I feel like I’ve wronged not only her, but, in the process, myself.

In addition to hateful TSwizzle voicemails, every new iPhone X user will also get a free U2 album to never listen to.

Ted Cruz Porn Scandal Diverts Attention from Mike Pence’s Browser History Full of His Brother’s Wedding Photos

Friday, September 15th, 2017

U.S. Representative Mike Pence (R-IN) looks at his notes before a news conference about the goal of permanently extending Bush-era tax rates at the U.S. Capitol in Washington December 2, 2010. Pence told reporters on Thursday his view on stripping the Federal Reserve of its mandate to ensure full employment remains unchanged after a meeting with a top Fed official. REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst (UNITED STATES - Tags: POLITICS BUSINESS)

SEPTEMBER 12, 2017 – Vignette White House correspondent Tabby Macintosh reported recently that in the wake of hysteria surrounding Ted Cruz’s porn tweet, Mike Pence has been able to enjoy browsing his brother’s wedding album on Facebook without worry of being discovered.

The Vice President has been sinfully browsing the nuptial photographs without his wife’s knowledge. Were anyone to find out, he could kiss his career goodbye, but without the press breathing down his neck, he can—for once—rest safe feeling happy that his brother found such a handsome and photogenic woman to marry.

Secret Serviceman Todd Teller questioned the Veep after he would repeatedly sneak off to the bathroom with his brother’s wedding album open on his phone. Pence is believed to have defended himself by explaining: “her tasteful gown contrasts beautifully against the lush foliage and lakefront spreading behind her. And boy does she have some good birthing hips.”

At press time, a knock on Pence’s bedroom door scared the living daylight out of him, causing the vice president to knock over his bowl of Werther’s Originals and close the browser page immediately.

21 Cool Phrases for Freshmen in the Class of 2021!

Friday, September 8th, 2017

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  • Boot last night? Boot last night!
  • I live in JL
  • Wanna get margs at Felipe’s and then bleach our assholes after?
  • What sorority do you want to be in? I can’t even tell them apart, since I got blinded by the eclipse.
  • Can you add me to your GroupMe for fakes? I’ve been getting wasted off of the Kombucha at Le Gourmet.

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  • Don’t be afraid to catch feels!
  • I have a tattoo of a dick on my ankle what’s your LinkedIn?
  • My sister is a senior here and she banged a guy who knows the guy who was featured on Jordan Belfort so I’m pretty sure I’m going AEPi
  • Do you miss your dog? I miss my dog
  • My dad’s Bruce Willis so I’m pretty sure I won’t have trouble getting a single in Wall
  • Every night before bed we all have to kiss the picture of our RA on the bulletin board. If we don’t he poops in front of our door at night.

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  • Who the fuck is Gary Johnson?
  • Michael Fitts is our dad.
  • Have you ever been on the roof of Warren House at Tulane University home of the LBC?
  • My room. 8:30. No socks.You guys wanna go do drugs in Aron?

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  • Hey amigo you wanna see my fidget spinner?
  • Did I ever tell you about the time my mom fucked Ben Stiller?
  • Let’s have sex in Yulman Stadium
  • Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.

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  • My TIDES service learning was to improve the food in Bruff hahaha wait hold still while I snort this line off your sack
  • Yeah I’m undeclared B-School but I think I wanna do like the next facebook

The 7 People You’ll Meet Doing a Group Project

Friday, April 21st, 2017

Finals season is just around the corner, and with it comes everybody’s favorite exercise in communal suffering – you guessed it, group projects! The scent of late nights and last-minute 2 letter grade drops is wafting through the air. The worst part of it is that none of this is your fault! Here are the enemies you’ll meet along the way:

  1. Delta Iota Xanax and her acid tripping boyfriend

You aren’t sure how the professor let them be in a group together, but he did, and it’s majorly cramping your style. How are you supposed to execute your lovingly made Prezzy to perfection when Andrea Adderall hasn’t slept in four days and LSD Larry has spent the last twenty minutes in the corner staring at his foot?

  1. That freshman who makes up more work

Let’s face it – you didn’t read the directions until this very moment and you just trusted that the over-eager freshman knew what you were supposed to be doing. But now that you’ve dug your syllabus out from underneath your trashcan full of novelty Mardi Gras beads you realize that there was no need to make that life-size diorama of Karl Marx’s laundry room, and that you probably won’t get any extra points by performing a full-length rock opera about the struggles of the Proletariat.

  1. That guy who won’t stop posting in the group chat four months later

It’s summer and you’ve forgotten everything there is to forget about Sociology 3050 when suddenly the facebook group chat from your project on divorce rates in Finland lights up. “Guys there’s a dead possum on my driveway what should I do with it? Does anyone want it?” He makes sure to add thirteen pictures of the dead possum from various angles for maximum effect.

  1. The football player who’s really into music

…or at least, that’s what you thought at first, but at the last meeting you noticed his earbuds aren’t plugged into anything and he’s just been ignoring you this whole time!

  1. The girl who can never find the group

You know the one. The whole group is waiting in the library and she’s wandering the halls of Tilton Memorial looking for you. “Wait so are you in Pocket Park?” Nobody wants to respond, though – she’s got an Android and she’s making the group chat green. Honestly, the definition of self-centered and inconsiderate!

  1. The minor Tulane celebrity

Maybe they ran for USG president and lost. Maybe they post in your graduating class’ facebook group twelve times a day. Or maybe they just punched Riptide the pelican right in the beak. Either way, you know who they are and they’ve never heard of you and you can tell people about that time you did a group project analyzing the black cat in Manet’s Olympia at parties for at least two years.

  1. Skittles the service dog

He must have an owner but you don’t really care. You won’t get any work done but you’ll have a really cute snap story this whole week.

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The Scars to Your Beautiful: An Open Letter to the Caterpillar That Stung Me When I Stepped On it But Lived to Fight Another Day

Wednesday, April 19th, 2017

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You don’t know me. You never will. And yet, as your tiny gross body wriggled underneath my foot, I came to realize that we all are just passengers on the same train. The train of life. You may be just a fuzzy worm, and I may be just a communications major with a fourth grader’s ability to use a computer young journalist,  yet the day we met remains etched in my mind like an etched message in an etch-a-sketch. Your bravery was palpable, and although the pain I felt following your sting could only really be described in seven “Parks and Recs” GIFS (www.theodyssey.com/being-stung-by-a-caterpillar-as-told-by-parks-and-recs) I am thankful for it.

That’s right. I’m Thankful for My Caterpillar Sting, and That’s Okay. The day we crossed paths was a regular Thursday. I had decided to have a “Me day”  like everyday, and walked to the park to look at “Animal Farm” on a bench. I slipped off my Birks, buried my toes in the grass like a hobo, and was suddenly shocked by a shock. What followed that surprising sting was several stages of pain (Namely fifteen of them, as best described by Lorelai Gilmore) and I immediately searched the ground for the culprit. I found you. There you were, my precious poisonous pal (this literary tactic is called alliteration). I watched you struggle, then crawl away, your creepy body slowly slinking away. At that moment, I felt something different. (From before, not in general): Pride. You fought that day, caterpillar. And that’s more than a lot of us can say for ourselves. But it is all that I can say now that I have completed this two hundred word limit.

 

 

President Fitts Completely Ready To Be Easter Bunny Should Anyone Ask Him

Friday, April 14th, 2017

 

This weekend, the 15th president of Tulane University is hoping to hop into a new role: Easter Bunny. In the Good Friday View from Gibson, Fitts said he is, “Completely prepared to be the Easter bunny at any gatherings or events being held this weekend, or whenever really,” should those needs arise in the Tulane community or beyond.

According to his assistant, Kelly R. Rabbith, this is actually progress for the weepy leader. “Year after year he was told that he ‘didn’t have the charm’ to play Santa, so it’s good that he’s finally lowering the bar a little,” said Rabbith while lint rolling her entire body to remove the Easter grass littering Gibson from her person. “While many Tulane students spent the end of this week zipping their suitcases for flights home, Fitts was busy zipping himself into the bunny suit sewn for him by his mother when he was but a student himself.”

Fitts’ mother has since passed, but the Vignette was able to reach his cool older brother, Nichael Fitts. “He’s such a dweeb. There’s no way he can pull this off! Have you seen him try to hop? He just does t-rex hands while scrunching his body and then standing up straight. He rarely leaves the ground- maximum a quarter-inch of air. And no, I don’t go by Nike for short.”  

At press time, there were no leads on any opportunity for Fitts to act as the symbol of springtime renewal and hand out small chocolates to children, but he remained hopeful. “I just want to be part of the fun,” Fitts sniffled. “If someone needs a bunny to stir the pot for hours on end at a crawfish boil or sort through eggs because they forgot which ones are raw, I can do that. My mom always said, ‘There’s nothing that this wittle wabbit can’t do.’”  

Tulane president Mike Fitts is currently accepting any and all offers to play this Sunday’s token role and help New Orleans’ spring dreams come true. With a little added material and a boost of confidence from Tulane’s administrative staff, the president is ready to roll.  Easter egg roll, that is!* In the meantime, he has been patiently weeping in his office, making the headpiece of the costume very, very damp.

 

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Interested community members are being asked to contact Fitts or his staff members via email, phone call, or “really any other way you can think of” if they’d like to hire the president as a bunny. They’d like to remind any interested parties that the president is really just absolutely ready to do this for you, and he wants to make that very clear. All you have to do is ask.  Really. No charge.  Please. He says he won’t take the suit off till someone hires him. He’s starting to cry again.  Please.

*The author would like to clarify that this is simply a figure of speech.  The idea of Mike Fitts’ involvement in any organized Easter Egg Roll, specifically the famed event at the White House, is certainly a ridiculous reach.  Sorry for any confusion. Happy Easter to you all!