Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Tulane 100% Positive that Loud Noise Could Only Be Caused by North Korean Bombers

Friday, December 1st, 2017

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Tensions are high on McAlister Avenue. In addition to North Korea’s recent missile test, the increased threat from North Korea has been punctuated by the President’s recent state visits in Asia, including a blunder involving an awkward encounter between Trump and TMZ in the DMZ. Tulane is rightly worried about the susceptibility of the campus to missile strikes, particularly due to any of the heavily disputed areas between Greenbaum and The Boot Store.

A poll of students and staff revealed that five out of five members of the Tulane community were certain that the loud scary noises that came from the sky were North Korean bombers, and the numbers don’t lie. That’s a whole 100% of people that are certain the North Koreans have been ready to blow us to shit since at least last semester.

The get some perspective on the issue, the Vignette sat down with the head of campus security, Kim Jungle, to get the scoop.

 

Vignette: So, Kim, why are the scary sky booms North Korean bombers?

Kim Jungle: Have you heard that noise? It is absolutely North Korean bombers.

V: What, exactly, should a person do when they hear the terrifying sound?

KJ: I’m going to be honest with you and let you know that they are always there. Hate to burst your bubble, but there is no escaping them. I’ve done everything. I live in terror every day, and the horrific tickle up my spine every time I hear them approach haunts me. I haven’t slept in days.

V: Any tips on how to cope?

KJ: When you can, forget the fear. Enjoy small things in life. Stay away from structurally unsound buildings, like Stern, buildings with dangerously low railings, like Phelps and Irby, and Sharp, because Sharp boys never text back.

 

The ROTC refused to comment.

President Fitts Set to Announce Tulane Will Join the SEC

Wednesday, November 29th, 2017

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If you read the “View From Gibson” like a goddamn nerd, you already know Mike Fitts is set to announce some big news, and it’s not that we’re a top 39 school! Tulane is rumored to be returning to the SEC, the Southeastern Conference home to storied football programs including Alabama, Auburn, Arkansas and “The Tulane of Nashville,” Vanderbilt University. Many are surprised by the conference upgrade given Tulane’s mediocre 5-7 record this season, but the Yulman family snuck some discounted Sealy mattresses the SEC chairman’s way, and NCAA officials approved the deal after being wooed with a lifetime supply of Oz’s gourmet grilled cheese sticks.

Unfortunately, Fitts’s excitement has been slightly misplaced, as the email sent to mikeyfitts97@hotmail.com that he thought said “Tulane to be added to the SEC” actually read “Tulane to be audited by the SEC.” Tulane is not joining America’s elite college football conference; in fact the Securities & Exchange Commission is investigating Tulane for dubious financial actions, including but not limited to bribery via Sealy mattresses and grilled cheese stick inflation.

In a heroic and rare stroke of insight, Dean MacLaren noticed Fitts had misinterpreted the email, and began a Wolf of Wall Street-esque procedure of shuttling all the evidence into the Mississippi River.

 

Top Five Thanksgiving Fun Facts to Break the Tension When Uncle Bob Says Something Racist Again

Wednesday, November 22nd, 2017

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  1. On the first Thanksgiving they didn’t eat turkey. Instead the starving pilgrims gnawed on the skulls of a raccoon family that had drowned in a local pond.
  2. Thanksgiving has now become the fourth most popular Thursday holiday in November, just recently passing Dranksgiving (RIP Kappa Sig). It still ranks below Danksgiving, Election Day, and Matthew McConaughey’s Birthday Bonanza—Alright alright alright!
  3. Most people don’t know how America chooses the turkey for our fun “Turkey Pardoning” tradition. It is actually an all-year process. In January, federal officials randomly select one male and one female turkey from 12 separate farms. Then they put all 24 turkey-contestants in a battle arena and let them fight it out to the death Hunger Games-style while throwing challenges at them like “Raining Ovens” and “Gravy Tsunami.” The last remaining turkey gets to be pardoned!
  4. The amount of turkey consumed on Thanksgiving last year in America was 736 million pounds! That is the exact weight of Kim Jong-Un’s left thigh.
  5. Few people know that only 1% of American citizens actually eat turkey on Thanksgiving. Most of us don’t read the fine print that the special birds we pick out are not actually turkeys but rather exceptionally obese chickens.

Food Coma vs Xanax – How to Tell if Your Family is Barred Out this Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 20th, 2017

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It’s thanksgiving season and that means cornbread, cranberry sauce, and crying at the dinner table! Everyone loves to eat during Thanksgiving, but all that carbo-loading can get pretty tiring. With all the food and “fun,” it’s no wonder you and your family are practically falling asleep face first into lukewarm green beans! But when your Dad lays down for a ‘cat-nap’ that turns into him sleeping through cleaning the dishes and your mom threatening a divorce, some relaxation-enhancing drugs may be at play. Daddy blames it on the Turkey, but could he be hiding something stronger?

Here are 3 tips to distinguish whether it’s the tryptophan or Xanny keeping your family relaxed while Uncle Tom talks about tax reform.

  1. Look for that glaze

We’re not talking about glaze on the pies. Red, bloodshot eyes? Glossy stare into the abyss? That’s not the turkey.

Culprit- XANAX

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  1. Pass the salt

Is your grandma super salty about how no one dresses up for Thanksgiving like they did during the depression? Or will she not stop whining about how that nice Tebow boy is no longer the most famous kneeling football player? Don’t worry, sweet ol’ granny isn’t popping Xanny. Xanax relaxes people. Only poultry related chemicals can make a person so cranky about your untucked Gap shirt. Cranky fam = no xan.

Culprit- TURKEY

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  1. Pass the Potatoes

Your mom usually asks about your job search twice a day but doesn’t bring it up ONCE during desert, even when your cousin mentions his killer new job at a boutique dog collar startup. Is your mom full or turkey or barred the fuck out? Only one way to tell. Throw mashed potatoes into her pretty little face and watch for her reaction. Is she mad? Turkey. Chill? Xanax. But when she laughs and takes a picture….?

Culprit- XANAX AND BOOZE

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Hope this helped! Remember- Thanksgiving is a stressful time. But it’s also a time to reflect on the past year, appreciate your health and happiness, and connect with your family. Be kind. You never know who in your family might be as high as Snoop Dogg’s ballsack.

 

3 Venn Diagrams to Help You Choose Your Classes for Next Semester

Thursday, November 16th, 2017

Class selection time can be stressful. Most of us will never realize our dreams of becoming the next Beyonce or Lil Dicky, and instead now have to choose whether we would like to be a doctor, a lawyer or the funny degenerate who crashes on his more successful friend’s couch for “a couple days” that turn into 25 years. For those of you who still aren’t sure what classes you’d like to pick, The Vignette has provided these venn diagrams so you know exactly what type of students, professors and assignments you’ll have to hungoverly deal with for an entire semester.

 

Psychology vs Political Science

Philosophy vs Glass Blowing (1)

Public Health vs Homeland Security

Homecoming Royalty: They’re Just Like Us!

Friday, November 10th, 2017

 

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“I really am no different now, I promise” Tulane’s newly crowned King bantered, shooting Vignette reporter Wendy Bennett a sheepish grin. He straightened out the crumpled shirt he claimed to have “totally washed himself.” He continued, “I mean this whole rise to the top has been a blur, so I still feel like the normal guy I was. Maybe I still am—I’m just him with a crown and the power to sentence students who answer rhetorical questions in class to dozens of grueling hours catching crawfish.” Our king let out a chuckle, running his hands through his hair nervously until they stopped on the points of his solid gold crown. “I really am just like totally one of the guys though.”

Tulane’s new Queen echoed this sentiment as she watched Netflix and ate an adorably large amount of junk food in bed. She told Bennett, “Yeah I mean you can see that I am still one of the girls.” Bennett scanned the room but was unable to spot any of these other “girls.”

Noticing the glance, the Queen giggled, her white satin gloved hand pulling another cheese doodle from the bag, “Yeah well none of them are here now. They didn’t want to watch New Girl, so I imprisoned them in the work camp below the LBC.”

Despite having recently been granted immense tyrannical power, the recently coronated Tulane Homecoming monarchy somehow still manages to stay humble and oh so relatable. They even said they would enjoy “drinking beer, hanging out and relaxing” after their next big tarring and feathering of “deviant university members that threaten the regime.”

Tulane Parents: Serial Sexilers

Monday, November 6th, 2017

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Sophomore Harrison Webster was overjoyed this morning when his parents left Tulane and flew back to Long Island, as this marked the end of a very long weekend of being constantly sexiled by them.

“It was really annoying,” Webster reported of the habits of Diane, 49, and Herb, 54, who reportedly sexiled their son no less than four times over the course of 2k17 Parents’ Weekend. “We’d come back from dinner, they’d sprint up the stairs to beat me to my room, and I’d find  a tie on the doorknob. I’d go into the other half of my suite to steal some kombucha, and both doors to my room would be locked. I kept having to hang out in the common room. We’ve got a Gamecube in there so I wasn’t too bored but it’s really annoying to know your parents are having more sex in your bed than you’ve had in your whole life.”

Other residents of Soho 4 corroborated Webster’s story. “Every night, my parents dropped me back off at my dorm after buying me Hand Grenades at Pat O’s and Harrison would just be playing Mario Kart alone in the common room. His parents were just constantly going at it,” noted Spencer McGoldstein. Added McGoldstein’s roommate, Charlie Maxwell Griffin William Nicholas Brandon Jacob Adam Tulane Johnson, “At least Mr. W brought up Soho 4’s body count.”

Mr. and Mrs. Webster, married 26 years this December, could not be reached for comment because Diane wouldn’t spring for the Southwest in-flight wifi. But according to close family friends, sexiling their son “really brought back the spark” for the Websters. Richard Burton, Esq., the couple’s best friend and next-door neighbor, told The Vignette that Herb had called him applauding how the long twin dorm beds were “really great for his back” and noting how “there are a ton of free condom dispensers around campus to ignore.”

At press time, Harrison was stuck out in the common room because his roommate’s parents are apparently staying until Wednesday and also needed the room.

What Does the Homecoming Court Actually Win?

Friday, November 3rd, 2017

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With homecoming coming up this weekend, a lot of Vignette readers have been asking the same question: What exactly do the Homecoming King and Queen actually win? Well, ask no longer, because the Vignette’s investigative journalist whiz, Francine, has the whole thing figured out. Here are the illustrious 7 things every Homecoming King and Queen gets to take home with them after winning:

1) Ten coupons to Chill Will’s Wacky Daq Shack and Drive-in Theater
What a prize! CWWDS&DIT is, as everybody knows, the pride and joy of the Greater Houma area. Try and get the HoCo winner to slip you a wristband!

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2) The crawfish supply for Crawfest
In honor of Homecoming Week, Tulane University dredges out six square acres of swamp and gives the crawfish findings to the Homecoming Court winners. Every year since this prize has been provided, the King and Queen have graciously given the crawfish to Tulane in order to put on the festival of Craw we all know and love. But technically there’s no rule that demands the winner give the crawfish up. In 1972 Hoco King “Ass” McBride tried to keep all the craw for himself, luckily his Queen Beyonce Rabinowitz set him straight and saved Crawfest. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for Crawfest ‘18!

3) One free* year of Tulane’s laundry service
*Contingent upon having already paid for three years of Tulane’s laundry service

4) $165,000 cash prize!
Neat!

5) The backup quarterback position on Tulane’s football team
In 13 of the past 15 years, the HoCo winners have quickly taken over the first spot on the depth chart. Rumor has it 2017 Candidate Patrick Magruder can throw a 65 yard pass, maybe he’ll get in a game!

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6) brief respite and moment in the sun before a lifetime of normalcy that is soon forgotten

7) One free four-finger box combo from Cane’s
Cane’s chicken fingers: One love! <3

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Homecoming Shirts Hide Conspiracy Theorist Message

Wednesday, November 1st, 2017

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BREAKING: This past weekend thousands of Tulane students were added to a Facebook group for Homecoming t-shirts that read “We Pregame Harder Than You Party.” However, upon investigation, The Vignette found that, when zoomed in, the shirts showed the phrase “COW CAT WAS AN iNSiDE JOB.”

Naturally, this has led to discussion of whether or not cow cat’s death was an inside job. Was Riptide jealous of our unofficial mascot enough to give him the beak down? Is President Fitts a violently passionate dog person? Are these shirts merely Loyola propaganda designed to foster distrust and chaos in the Tulane political system? Is Dean MacLaren really British? Only cow cat holds the answers. May she rest in peace.

 

Tulane Reily Fashion Police say Sports Bras are Out, Floor-Length Victorian Gowns are So In

Monday, October 30th, 2017

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Recently, Reily Student Recreation Center put up signs throughout the gym areas warning students that they would be enforcing a new dress code prohibiting “Ugly AF” clothes through the utilization of a Reily Fashion Unit.

“Yeah, we are really looking to dress up the gym a bit, I mean it’s hard enough to be here, quads burning, on my grind, but to also have burning eyes from looking at all the gawky-ass apparel?” The FU member scoffed, “That’s just unreasonable.”

Notable enforcement methods observed thus far have been laughing hysterically at the Target yoga pants of a red head, explaining to a boy that he would die alone covered in pig grease because he wore Skechers, and egging a girl in a sports bra for the five blocks back to her dorm.

“I would describe the new dress code as somewhere between Sunday Brunch Casual and What You Would Wear to the Rose Ceremony on the Bachelor,” an FU member explained, before running off to push an elderly man wearing baggy shorts down the stairs.

Tanya Goldstein, a victim of the new policy who had to take five showers to clean the sharpied “Slut” off her forehead commented, “Yeah I think that it may be a little too harsh.”