Category Archives: Sports

NCAA to Excuse Tulane from Performance Enhancing Drug Rules

Today, September 25, NCAA rules official Oberyn Richardson announced that the organization would not only pardon, but provide performance enhancing drugs for Tulane sports teams this year.

“We just want to make things fair,” commented Richardson after watching Tulane sports for the last five years. “Usually we give out fines, or suspensions for those sorts of things, this is a different type of case though.”

Tulane officials were ecstatic about the news, citing how maybe the thousands of scrawny Jewish kids who come to the university muttering to themselves “Shit I could do better than that…” may actually be able to play now.

“Finally, leveling the playing field,” remarked relieved Tulane football player Osgood Freeguard while taking a break from the Tulane offseason practice of playing the illegally downloaded Backyard Football computer game on his brand new mac computer. “In terms of Backyard Football, it’s kind of like instead of just having a team of just Maria ‘Pinky’ Lunas, we have a team with Pablo, the nerdy kid with orange hair, and the kid in the wheel chair who can dunk in basketball. It really changes everything.”

Buzz around the Tulane sports program is at an all-time high, where general consensus is that this upcoming year could be the best Tulane sports year yet. Two or three wins could be on the horizon.

“It’s good to have the Green Wave back,” continued Richardson. “See, it’s not really the difference between winning and losing with these guys, it’s more of a losing terribly versus just losing, so it’s fine. It’s what the MLB has been doing with the Royals for years.”

Tulane Senior reads tradition page on website: “Huh”

September 10th, Tulane Senior Rickard Applebaum accidentally clicked on the traditions page of the Tulane website when trying to log onto his Tulane email account.

Applebaum, who had previously not known a tradition page, or tradition, at Tulane existed was semi-baffled by the discovery.

“Yah know, I just sat there and said ‘huh, who knew?’”, recalled Applebaum while sharing a moment with Vignette reporters. “There was the Helluva Hullabaloo song, which I previously had just though was drunk ramblings one guy was yelling when I went to the first Tulane football game of my freshman year, but that’s actually a real song.”

The traditions page, which according to Tulane officials is “admittedly thin”, cites the Gibson Hall, Wall Residential College, and “Waving Goodbye” as  Tulane traditions. That’s real: Two of those things are just buildings, the other a universal gesture.

Applebaum, while surprised to see certain things on the page, was admittedly more shocked at the absence of other things, questioning, “Where are all those great Tulane slogans we have come to love so much? Like the tradition of never going to The Boot until you’re so drunk you no longer have morals? Or that great phrase at Tulane… what is it.. something about birds… oh, Tulane where you always kill two birds with one stone, since you’re seeing double. Ooo! Or, Tulane, where the cup is always half full… of alcohol because the other half is mixer.”

In the end though, Applebaum decided to just forget about it and have a beer on the Phelps balcony at 9:00 am., as is Tulane tradition.

Riptide the Pelican Excited for New Sports Year: “..killllll mmeee…”

In the annual sports pep rally today, Wednesday August 28, 2013, Riptide, the Tulane Greenwave’s lovable, excitable mascot, expressed his extreme jubilations for the upcoming season.

“kill meeeee…” rasped Riptide over and over again as he joyously grabbed people by the shoulders and shook them until they listened. “I’m a talking bird, all my friends are dead, I don’t even know if my family is still alive… don’t make me go…you don’t know what they do to me…”

Riptide, the Tulane mascot has been uplifting and delighting fans everywhere non-stop since he got separated from the rest of his kind during the BP oil spill.

“Oh Riptide, he’s so funny!” commented Greenwave fanatic and Tulane alumni Gerold Greere. “I give him a lot of credit. Sometimes it can be hard to stay so upbeat all the time, but boy, does he do it well!”

When Riptide isn’t performing as the Tulane main cheer man, he can be found in his cage under the stairwell in Reily, shaking and clawing with such enthusiasm and pleasure for the chance to root on more Tulane sports.

“My favorite part of basketball games is when they let him free, and he sprints towards the exits,” continued Greere. “It’s like he’s saying, ‘go on! Get out of here opposing team! Tulane belongs to the Green Wave, forever and always!’ He is truly a genius.”

The pep-rally ended with Riptides famous chant he does every year. He got on stage and yelled, “Let me go!” to which the crowd roared back, “At em! At em! Let me go at em!” to welcome all of the opponents Tulane would be facing this year.

No One More Excited For Basketball Season Than Football Team

With college basketball season fast upcoming, excitement for Green Wave hoops is at an all time high, much to the delight of the football team.

“Enough of us, lets talk about basketball!” Said Tulane defensive end Jonathan Montania, “I really like their chances this year. What’s most important though is that they have fan support, so all of the Tulane Sports fans out there should back them up 100 percent. Really though, they should put all of their attention and energy into basketball. All of it.”

Tulane football this year may be one of the only teams in the history of college football to not be able to score their AP ranking of 124 the entire year.

“It’s been strange so far,” commented Basketball start Derrick Donovan, “Today was our first day of practice, so it’s usually just the team who shows up. This year though the entire football team was in the stands rooting us on. After practice finished they all just kept thanking us and shaking our hands… it was kind of nice.”

Green Wave basketball press representative Oscar Johnson did not take the new found attention from the football team so well though.

“What? Excited for basketball? I think you mean baseball! Yeah, baseball is going to be great this year, we should really keep all of our attention on baseball. All of it.”

Tulane Skateboarder Forgets How To Walk

Reports say that sophomore Marty Brent has not attended a single class due to the fact his skateboard broke in two last Sunday, October 14, while trying  a “totally gnarly” kick flip off of the benches in front of the LBC.

“I don’t know what happened,” questioned Brent, “All I know is that was in the air, doing the flip, then everything went black. I woke up in my bed and haven’t been able to move since.”

Brent’s roommate says he seemingly has no injuries, and appears “the exact same as usual.”

“I don’t understand.” Yelled the frustrated Brent through teary eyes, “I just nonchalantly stand there like I normally do, but I’m not moving. Something is seriously wrong.”

Brent said he first noticed something wrong when he wasn’t in his Anthropology class Monday morning at 10 am.

“I did everything I normally do. I put on my backwards hat, didn’t tie my shoes, listened to my dub step version of kick push by Lupe Fiasco… I even grew out my goatee. I still wasn’t moving though.”

Brent’s roommate has been bringing food to him this past week, “I thought he was going to die. He’s just been urinating in jars.”

When asked whether or not he would be able to get food this week Brent replied, “Food? I just can’t miss ULTRA… that would be disastrous.”

Green Wave Football Team Wins, New Orleans Goes Regular

After a shocking Tulane Green Wave Football victory this past Saturday, October 13, the Tulane campus and city of New Orleans is going absolutely, insanely, ape-shit normal.

“I remember it was fall break and everyone was away,” reminisced excited Tulane student Francis Dumerville, right after finding out the big winning news, “Those two friends of mine who always go to the football game were totally slightly happier then normal. The next day when everybody came back to campus, we got to tell them the news. They were freaking out and yelling ‘oh, I guess that’s pretty cool’. It was totally regular.”

Reports say that the night of the win Frenchman street played music all night, seafood was served around the city, and things got so normal that two or three Tulane students were TEMS’d.

“Ah man, you should have seen Bourbon street!” claimed excited Tulane student James Gronkite. “There was drinking in the streets, people were throwing beads from their balconies, strip clubs were even open directly to the public. It was just like how it normally is!”

As the football game ended, the 500 Tulane fans in the Superdome that seats 82,000, stormed the field out of excitement.

“It was slightly overcrowded,” commented Tulane Running Back Ashton “speedy” Simmons. “If we were still playing the game we probably would have been called for too many people on the field. We might have been able to get away with it though.”

Daniel Wombok, a Michigan student visiting his best friend from highschool at Tulane for the win commented on the completely routine atmosphere: “Wow, thank god Tulane doesn’t win more games. New Orleans would just be crazy, can you imagine if it was like this every weekend?”


Tulane Student Already Tired After Stairs To Reily

In what started as a valiant effort to be healthy one goddamn time, Tulane student Gabe Pollack is already tired after only walking up the stairs to Reily.

After a seemingly endless walk all the way to the on-campus Reily Sports Center, student Pollack looked at the staircase, took one deep sigh, and then made one continuous groan as he hiked up the staircase to the doors of the favorite student gym.

“I came here to exercise, not walk up some shitty stairs” Gabe was seen mumbling to himself as he flung his arms around, zig-zagging up the staircase through three step bursts, “If I wanted to walk up some fucking stairs I’d live in Monroe or something.”

At the top of the staircase Pollack was seen heavily panting, bent over sideways with his hand on his knees and sweat dripping down his face.

“I’ve never seen anyone drink an entire water bottle so quickly” Reports Freddy Williams, an eye witness to the event. “Its just not hard to tell his Boot to Reily ratio (BTR) is like 10 to 1.”

After standing at the top of the staircase for a few minutes with hands on hips looking seemingly into blank space, Pollack turned around, went strait back to his dorm and immediately went back to bed.

Incidents like this are becoming more and more frequent at Tulane University, to the point where a movement has been started to remodel Riley and bring it 20 feet closer to the ground. “It’s just too fucking high,” Gabe Pollack says, “way too fucking high.”