Archive for the ‘Off-Campus’ Category

Black Sheep Banquet: Angsty Family Haters Hold Annual Meeting

Thursday, November 26th, 2015

On Thursday, Angsty Family Haters held their fifth annual Black Sheep Banquet for those too overwhelmed with angst to even consider going home, gosh.
Unlike many students for whom the trip would be financially unfeasible, these angst ridden mostly freshmen passed up the opportunity to eat a family meal at a friend’s house in Metairie or at an RA-lead meal in favor of bellyaching together.
The meeting was held in Warren, which was the only place not already taken over by more festive events. The possum who fell through the ceiling was in attendance, saying, “My family is the whole reason I fell through the ceiling. I was so sick of their shit I had to leave.”
The humans in attendance fell into three factions: middle children, the misunderstood, and “college has changed me.” The event was run potluck style. The middle children brought homemade cookies, which were completely forgotten about because the misunderstood had attempted to make kale into a dessert. The changed brought nothing because after an anthropology class most of them had taken they really began to question potlucks as an institution.
“I feel like I’ve found my people,” said some freshman. This writer thinks she then said something about feeling overshadowed at family holidays, but it was boring so I stopped listening.
One participant brought his artwork. “My family just doesn’t get my work. My mom’s always just like. ‘Oh that’s nice.’ It’s a meta examination of the deconstruction of post modernist theories of the commoditization of art. Get it?” It was a lump of clay with a coupon sticking out.
“I mean, I could go for some mashed potatoes,” said the president Lenny something. “Whatever, Thanksgiving is a racist holiday anyway, and so are potatoes.”

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Tulane Senior Finally Meets Someone from Louisiana

Tuesday, February 10th, 2015

Yesterday, February 9th, senior Kevin Freet finally had the pleasure of meeting what he called “a certified Cajun real-life Louisianianana…”. While getting out of his car in Diboll, Freet noticed that the adjacent car’s license plate had a strange bird on it. “I asked what kind of dinosaur it was and it turns out it is a ‘pelican,’ the official state dinosaur of Louisiana.”

Freet’s new friend is named Brent Ng, a native of Slidell. “Yeah, I’m the token Louisiana-native for a lot of different groups. I tell them all what to wear for Mardi Gras, how much the streetcar cost, and where to pick up high school chicks on parade routes.” Ng added that his Northern friends, “teach me how to shop for winter coats and be an unapproachable asshole.”

Tulane is known for its geographic diversity. The class of 2018 boasts more students from New York and California than Louisiana. “Yeah, I got friends from all over,” reported Freet. “I’m from Jersey myself, but my friends are from everywhere. Outside of New York, outside of Philly, southern Connecticut, northern Delaware, and western Long Island. We even have one kid in the crew from the South, all the way down in Alexandria, Virginia! We call him ‘Southern Dan.’ He’s always cold, haha!”

Freet, a finance major, met every single one of his friends freshman year in Sharp and prefers to spend his time around campus bars, although they did venture out into the city once. “Yeah we tried to go to the Marigny one time, but we ended up in ‘the Metairie.’ It was still very jazzy, very authentic.” said Freet, who once spent a semester abroad in Madrid without meeting a single Spaniard.

Student Drinks Boot out of Business at Fifty Cent Night

Monday, February 2nd, 2015

    “The Boot”, once voted number one college bar in America, sadly closed its doors last Tuesday after sophomore Nick Harlow took enough fifty-cent shots to run the bar out of business.

 

“He took four million shots. Four million fucking shots dude– it was unreal: kid just kept knocking them back, that’s why he’s my boy. He’s a fucking champ, undefeated 4 million and 0,” said Harlow’s best friend and blossoming alcoholic Cole Melling. According to former Boot staff members, the bar loses about a quarter per shot, and their failure to throw Harlow out led to the million-dollar loss.

 

Harlow entered The Boot at 10 pm for the start of fifty cent night with a chip on his shoulder and an emptiness in his stomach that longed for excessive amounts of cheap fireball. He knew this was his night. Within an hour he had taken 2 million shots, and the Boot staff began to get nervous. The Tuesday night bartender, Chad Tannerson, recalled the situation: “We had to call up the fighter jets over at Jack Daniels to refuel; we had to get some fireball airdropped on the premises. The Boot was not about to go down without a fight. We do not negotiate with alcoholics.”

 

Once midnight struck, Harlow, 3 million shots deep, showed no signs of slowing down. Besides occasionally screaming about how he’s “The King of Boots!” and his tendency to fall out of his stool whenever friends left his side to pursue freshmen girls, Harlow was in control of himself, The Boot and all of New Orleans. The staff had to remove him. The Boot’s loyal patrons, not keen on seeing the historic night come to an end, circled around him to protect their savior from the army of attacking bouncers. The bouncers charged, but could not penetrate the wall of Vineyard Vine button-downs, distasteful crop tops and sexual frustration surrounding the hero. Eventually, the men at Jack Daniels refused to airdrop any more whisky after the Boot ran out of money, and was soon after forced to file bankruptcy.

 

The Boot, which was once the site of an accursed Indian burial ground, fell into bedlam. Nobody really remembers what happened next, but Yik Yak reports the scene was reminiscent of the fall of the Berlin Wall.

 

One Boot staff member recounted the chaos, “It was a fucking mess, we had no idea how to handle this kid. We were on the edge of bankruptcy, so in a last ditch attempt to salvage the company we reached out to the best in the business biz; but by the time we got to the graduate B-school and woke up all the sleeping Asians, it was too late.”

 

A candlelight vigil will be held in Delta Iota Kappa’s fraternity house. The Boot will be razed. A variety of developers have come of for solutions for the empty lot including: the site of a giant statue of Scott Cowan grabbing his balls, a space for Crepes a la Cart to expand so it can finally make some real goddamn pancakes, and for the site to stay under construction for 10 years like every other building in New Orleans that isn’t a football stadium.

Sami Sparksweiner’s Study Abroad Travel Blog

Thursday, January 22nd, 2015

OMG! I absolutely cannot believe I’m embarking on this journey. Much like great writers and philosophers, I will be traveling to Paris, France. I’m seaux excited to meet other Americans that are also studying abroad so we can do totally authentic things together and pretend that we’re French!! Here are some other things that I’m way pumped to do this semester in list form, because apparently that’s the only way society can handle information anymore!! LOL!!

  1. Eat tons of French Fries. “When in Rome,” right?? (oops, I meant “When in France!”)
  2. Sit in a cute little French café while reading fine literature, like TotalSororityMove.com.
  3. Eat croissants with Nutella. This is the only country where those items are available so I better make it count, right?!?
  4. Go to the Louvre gift shop to buy a beret, and Instagram the Mona Lisa while I’m there! Then instagram myself !
  5. Instagram selfies with the caption, “Oh, just a typical day in France!”
  6. Instagram everything. Even things that are completely the same as in America.

Yayy, I’m so totally excited for all of these fun things, and I expect to be a completely changed woman when I come back! To all of my fans: don’t worry, I’ll keep this blog updated with info that only my mom cares about! To all of my haters: keep hating, and I’ll keep doing me. 😉

“Paris is always a good idea” – Audrey Hepburn (also me, LOLS!)

Freshmen Excited To Show Off New Orleans-centric Personality to Friends, Family Over Thanksgiving

Thursday, November 20th, 2014

With the Thanksgiving holiday coming up, Pat Callahan, a freshman here at Tulane, can’t wait to go home and catch up with his “Yankee” friends.

 

“Ooh boy, I just can’t wait to go home”, said Callahan, from what he calls his “Shotgun” Sharp dorm. “its gonna be great to just hang out with my friends after so long. I mean, I’ve learned so much living in New Orleans, I just feel like a local.”

 

“Its just like, hey, I know y’all [Callahan’s friends and relatives] are just a bunch of fast-talkin’, fast-walkin’ Yankees, but I got the voodoo spirit of NOLA running through my veins, so why don’t y’all come down ‘Naaawlins way and I’ll show you a real pot of gumbo” said Pat, speaking in a noticeable cajun accent. “The boudin is hot, but the jazz is hotter. Mardi Gras!”

 

In only three months time, Pat has not only vomited on Bourbon Street like a true local, but has worn Mardi Gras beads every day since arriving.

 

“Do I love New Orleans? Well, allow me to answer that question with another question. Do the Pelican love mudbugs? Do the cypress grow tall and strong? Yes sir, I love New Orleans. It’s as much of a part of me as the resurrection fern that grows thick on the oaks. Who Dat!”

 

After approximately three minutes of chanting “Who Dat” to no one in particular, Callahan proceeded to don a tall top hat decorated with bones, and started playing “When The Saints go Marching In” on a trumpet.

 

“It ain’t always easy though”, Callahan said woefully. “We still feel the pain that hurricane Kristina [Katrina] dumped on our doorsteps. But with the bayou spirit, and just a bit of jambalaya, I know we can all make it through”, said Callahan, while standing upon a large float and twirling a frilly umbrella.

 

“Well, I best be going now. As they say, I got a lot of beignets to eat, but I only got so much powdered sugar. Besides, Saint Jean Lafitte deBayoux Carondelet [Callahan’s pet alligator] needs walking. Laissez les bon temps rouler!”

NBA New Orleans Pelicans Name Finally Makes Sense

Saturday, December 8th, 2012

OH MY GOD WE ELECTED A BLACK PRESIDENT

Wednesday, November 7th, 2012

In a shocking turn of events last night, Tuesday, November 6, elected president Barack Obama turned out to be African American.

“Does that mean he was black the past four years as well?” asked bewildered student Austin Starpich, “I mean, who knew? That’s so strange… are you sure he was born in America? Not someplace like… I don’t know, Kenya? We should ask to see his birth certificate or something.”

Obama was elected last night for his second term of being African American, making him the first second black president…or the second first black presidents…or the first time second term first black president…WHATEVER he’s black, you get it.

“This is terrific news,” continued Starpich, “My once you go black you never go back joke is finally in style. I mean, do people know about this? This should really be big news. It looks like Kanye West needs a new excuse for hurricane Sandy.”

After discovering that Obama was African American today, the reporters at the Tulane Vignette asked Starpich if he knew what race Mitt Romney was. “Oh he’s, white… he is definitely white.”

Facebook Quarantined After Political Opinion Epidemic Outbreak

Tuesday, November 6th, 2012

Tuesday, November 6, national election day, the popular social networking website Facebook had to be quarantined from the greater public as college students everywhere broke into a terrible case of political and voting activism.

“It was terrible,” trembled Tulane freshman Nate Booker. “I logged onto Facebook, and instead of the normal funny cat pictures and complaining status’s on my homepage, everything was just yelling at me to vote, and who to vote for. It doesn’t even make sense, everyone at college already sent in their absentee ballot…”

The disease first showed up on the map late last night with Daniel Corey’s status of ‘Vegetables are important, eat your Barack-oli’ and from there the capital letters, terrible puns, and guilt ridden messages spread like wild-fire.

“There is no doubt it’s a viral disease,” Said medical expert Doctor Vicente Padilla, “The worry is that its going to spread from Facebook. Twitter will be the next step, and then who knows, maybe it could go offline. God damn, how annoying would that be?”

Picture uploads to facebook have also been at an all time high today, as thousands of people continue to put up photos of their filled out ballot, or selfies directly post voting.

“Its important that everyone know what voting is,” Said Alfred Stephans, a recently discovered political activist, and self proclaimed expert. “I put that burdon on myself. Anyways, how else could I possibly show that I like voting more than you?”

Vignette Writers Can’t Think Of Anything More Ridiculous Than Actual Events Of The Day

Wednesday, October 17th, 2012

Wednesday, October 17th, untrue SHOOTER alert messages were sent out to the entire Tulane campus, causing mass uproar among the student body.

“Holy Shit” commented Vignette writer Leo Tolstoy, sitting around a large circular stone table in the Vignette’s underground lair, 3 miles below McAlister auditorium, “I literally can not think of anything more ridiculous then what actually happened today. What do we do? I don’t think we have ever run into this problem before.”

The event was not only untrue, but took place somewhere that straight up just didn’t exist.

“That’s comedy gold,” commented Vignette editor Wally Sczerbiack, “I thought that we were the only satirical organization on campus, little did I know that we are also dealing with a satirical alert system. This brings out some new competition.”

Reports say that Tulane sent out three emails, one to warn the campus of the shooter, the second to say the first wasn’t true, and a third email that Tulane officials are calling the “you should of seen the look on your faces” message.

“God Damn, Princeton hall?” Sczerbiack added “I can’t even think of a more generic, college sounding name then that. Genius.”

After a semester that included a hurricane, two days where the students couldn’t use running water, and a fake shooter warning, Vignette writers are really starting to wonder whether or not the university is just fucking with them.

“This is just too ridiculous to be true.”

Green Wave Football Team Wins, New Orleans Goes Regular

Tuesday, October 16th, 2012

After a shocking Tulane Green Wave Football victory this past Saturday, October 13, the Tulane campus and city of New Orleans is going absolutely, insanely, ape-shit normal.

“I remember it was fall break and everyone was away,” reminisced excited Tulane student Francis Dumerville, right after finding out the big winning news, “Those two friends of mine who always go to the football game were totally slightly happier then normal. The next day when everybody came back to campus, we got to tell them the news. They were freaking out and yelling ‘oh, I guess that’s pretty cool’. It was totally regular.”

Reports say that the night of the win Frenchman street played music all night, seafood was served around the city, and things got so normal that two or three Tulane students were TEMS’d.

“Ah man, you should have seen Bourbon street!” claimed excited Tulane student James Gronkite. “There was drinking in the streets, people were throwing beads from their balconies, strip clubs were even open directly to the public. It was just like how it normally is!”

As the football game ended, the 500 Tulane fans in the Superdome that seats 82,000, stormed the field out of excitement.

“It was slightly overcrowded,” commented Tulane Running Back Ashton “speedy” Simmons. “If we were still playing the game we probably would have been called for too many people on the field. We might have been able to get away with it though.”

Daniel Wombok, a Michigan student visiting his best friend from highschool at Tulane for the win commented on the completely routine atmosphere: “Wow, thank god Tulane doesn’t win more games. New Orleans would just be crazy, can you imagine if it was like this every weekend?”