Archive for the ‘Loyola’ Category

Tulane Villagers Fear Mysterious Curse of “Rain”

Monday, April 20th, 2015

As a wet substance fell from the heavens over the weekend, Tulane villagers were seen huddled inside of their cottages, cowering from the phenomenon known to Western scientists as “rain.”

“I do not know what this is. Perhaps a scourge from the days of old, haunting me from my home village of the Land of Cleve” said freshman Isabel Citadel from her rudimentary shelter known as ‘Patterson.’ “This heaven-water makes little sense to me” continued Citadel, citing the presence of palm trees, previously sunny weather, and her total ignorance of spring weather patterns in southern Louisiana.

As the watery curse sent villagers into a frenzy, many lamented the plague of precipitation through written word, attaching scribed parchment to the town Yak, and guiding the beast from household to household. “Oh lord, what be this wet shit? I believèd I have come to New Orleans for sunshine, not these sky-droplets,” read one note attached to the yak. Another popular note read, “Doth any maiden wish to watch Netflix and cuddle? For I am a lonesome squire :(((((.” The hieroglyph that followed this note is believed by anthropologists to signal “intense sadness.”

Although the presence of rain baffled younger members of the village, more wisened villagers were familiar with such occurrences and were happy to pass down oral histories. “Ah yes, I know of this rain,” said senior Tyler Lenol while chugging a mug of meade. “Tis that stuff which comes down and marks the changing of the seasons.” Lenol also noted that the rains signaled the beginning of the festival of Crawfest, “which continues to be inauspiciously planned during the only goddamn time of the year it rains.”

While Tulane villagers remained confused and fearful of the water falling from the sky, primitive inhabitants of the neighboring community of ‘Loyola’ were similarly confused by the existence of water falling from showerheads.

Illegal Loyola Immigration Growing Problem

Thursday, October 18th, 2012

Tulane students across campus have begun to complain, as the amount of illegal Loyola immigrants is at an all time high on campus as of yesterday, October 12.

“This is becoming ridiculous,” Commented Adam Scottsmen. “I know that our campus is paved with gold, and thrives over people from all around the world attending classes here, but Loyola kids as well? That just seems like it’s crossing the line.”

Tulane students’ biggest problem with the rising immigration issue may be the lack of on campus jobs left to the student body. This concern was brought up at one of the recent student debates held on campus.

“I don’t see why all of the jobs have to be filled up by Loyola students,” preached anti-immigration activist Daniel Martin. “There are no available jobs that are hiring! How am I supposed to make any money to spend on drugs and alcohol?”

When told that the warehouse maintenance and plumbing jobs were still hiring Martin responded, “Yeah, but… I don’t want to do those.”

“Over crowding has been a huge problem,” recognized concerned Tulane student Preston Thompson. “Every time I walk to my 12:00 class McAlister and the academic quad are so crowded. It’s like there isn’t even enough room for me to drive my golf cart there, and I got it just for that purpose. That has to be solved, and if it isn’t Loyola people walking to and from class, who could it be?”

“Listen, I like the Tulane campus,” Commented Margaret Therold, a Loyola student. “I like the Loyola campus, too. You guys know that when we come to Tulane it’s usually just because it’s on our way to the boot, right? It’s not like we are moving into your dorms.”

The immigration crisis has only escalated since the controversial laws passed independently by Monroe building officials. “Listen, we aren’t saying that they are definitely illegal,” commented Alfred Mongol, the original drafter of the law. “But if they look Catholic, then we are going to have see their splash card.”

Beyond the overcrowding and job crisis, certain Tulane officials are worried about the drug culture in Loyola spilling onto Tulane’s campus.

“We all know about the drug cartels in Loyola,” started Timothy Quentin, president of the Tulane Young Republicans. “They are dangerous and if we let that into Tulane, then we are in for some serious problems. Our students may even try smoking weed, and a select few could be at risk for cocaine. Tulane has never seen the likes of those problems.”

When asked about solutions for the problem, Quentin referenced the fence separating the two universities. “I know its there, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe we could make it higher? Could we also make a moat? Something needs to be done.”

While these problems continue to press the Tulane society, Tulane officials have no timetable for any kind of affirmative action, stating “I don’t know, when is the next student government election?”

This Fence is Actually There

Tulane Celebrates Columbus Day, Colonizes Loyola

Monday, October 8th, 2012

On Columbus day, October 8th, an expedition of Tulane students set out to find the mythical and mysterious “Downtown area,” but instead found the Loyola campus, or the “New World” as they are referring to it.

“I’m not going to say I’m a hero,” declared student conquistador Ryan Evans. “We wanted to discover the uncharted parts of the city. We tried going west before, and north and south, but we never tried east. That’s where we met the locals.”

“The locals were very nice,” said Arnold Davidson, a crew member on the journey. “First contact was incredible. The indigenous people seemed to have their own society. As time went on we started sharing customs. They gave us a Bible and we showed them how to pick up a girl at the Boot. It was beautiful really.”

“Seriously, what the fuck?” commented Loyola native Christopher Rudolph. “I just don’t get it. We literally have been here forever. I literally had dinner with my Tulane friend at Bruff last week. Oh, and thanks for those infested blankets. Now everybody has herpes.”

Tulane officials have already sent caravans of settlers to populate the newly found campus. Their diaries are to be published soon.

“The exciting part is the land,” continued Evans. “We think it could be a really cool place to put a giant new football stadium.”

When asked about where the local Loyola students would go, Tulane settlers shrugged and said, “I don’t know, we could just confine them to a dorm or something. I mean, somebody has to run Luff.”