Archive for the ‘Food’ Category

Greenbaum Cooking Demonstration Will Feature “Legendary Pot Brownies”

Monday, February 23rd, 2015

In a Jackie Rouege-approved event to occur Tuesday, the Goldring Center kitchen in Greenbaum dorm will feature a cooking demonstration entitled “Riding the Green Wave: Pot Brownies and You.” Rouege hopes to improve the visibility of the Center’s food research by combining two Tulane favorites: “being a fatass and gettin stoney baloney.”

“Goldring Center’s brownies use the most pure form of bud I’ve ever tried,” said Rouege who reported being “blazed out of my gourd” at the time of interview. “The brownies melt in your mouth, and then your mouth melts into your throat, and then your throat melts into your lungs and you keep melting until you’re forced make peace with the God-King of gravity.”

The Center’s brochure features half-peeled bananas and chefs tossing quinoa salads, but the true culinary gem isn’t featured in the school’s pamphlet. Past attempts at programming for the Center have been well-intentioned but ultimately low attended. “No one wants to learn how to incorporate greens into your diet on a shoe-string budget, they just want to know how incorporate greens into their three-chamber bong without anything looking suspicious on Venmo,” said a giggling Rouege before looking panicked while a police siren went by. The Goldring Culinary Center hopes that attendance will surpass their most popular event thus far: a kissing booth with Oz.

President Fitts has been taking a hands-on approach in order to raise the profile of this cutting-edge facility, and indulges frequently in “Boot Dorm Brownies.” Raffi Real, a spokesperson for the president’s office confirmed the story. “He poured out his heart and soul into his words, and his words poured out of his mouth and filled the entire room, and the room lifted off and pranced into the smallest corners of the galaxy.” President Fitts, a true fan of the program, can be usually found doing somersaults in his office and wondering if Gibson can see anything from him

Donnie Waltham’s DEFINITIVE “Best Sandwich Ever” List

Tuesday, January 20th, 2015

Hey there. Hey! Hey you! What the fuck? What the fuck are you eating? A sandwich? You’re calling that a fucking sandwich? Fuck you! Thats not a sandwich! That’s an abortion between two slices of yeast infection. Fuck off. There are only three sandwiches in this world:

  1. The Reuben sandwich. Does that abomination you’re stuffing down your fat gullet have cheese, pastrami, rye bread, thousand island dressing, and sauerkraut? Does your goddamn “sandwich” have any of those fucking ingredients? No? Fuck you! Go eat a dick!
  2. The BLT. It only takes three ingredients to make a good sandwich. If you need any more than that you are worse than every dictator. Except Leopold II. That guy knew how to fucking run things. But you, you can fuck off, you venereal disease. Bacon. Scumbag. Lettuce. Douche. Tomato. Dickhead. Bread. Where are those strippers.
  3. The Cuban sandwich. I don’t give a shit who’s in charge of that island. Fidel? Fuckdel, thats more like it. That bearded whore doesn’t know anything about anything. Except these god damn sandwiches. This guy is a genius. A true visionary. Pulled pork, ham, cheese, onions, bread. Press until flat. Goes great with a salad. But what the fuck do you know? You parasitic tapeworm. You waste of oxygen. Jesus, are you awful.

Do you see? Do you see now? You are dirt. You are FUCKING dirt. I swear to all that is holy don’t you ever look at another sandwich ever again. Stick to your risotto. Or whatever the fuck you eat. Fuck you.

Hey, does anyone have any more coke?

Donnie Waltham is the Tulane Vignette’s sandwich correspondent, and has been working at Jimmy John’s for three years.

Poll Reveals Tulane Students’ Favorite Food: Bruff Omelets, Adderall Top List

Tuesday, October 8th, 2013

In a poll conducted by Sodexo regarding Tulane students’ food preferences , university students resoundingly chose Bruff omelets as their favorite food, followed very closely by Adderall. Bruff, has been serving omelets every morning since it opened in 1963. “I get Bruff omelets three or four times a week,” says Sophomore Pete Peterson, “they’re delicious and they keep me really regular.”

Coming in close second in the poll was Adderall, a stimulant drug used to manage ADHD. Adderall very narrowly beat out Ritalin, Vyvanse, Focalin, and Concerta.

“Adderall is one of things that are good and good for you—that’s pretty much why I like it so much” gushed Freshman Jennifer Gates, who has not slept in three days. “When I have a big test or a paper coming up, I take a lot of Adderall. I guess you could call it stress eating” she said, laughing hysterically before staring at a spot on the wall for twenty-five minutes without blinking. When asked her opinion Bruff Omelets, Jennifer admitted that she couldn’t remember the last time she ate something, and proceeded to pass out from dehydration.

 

Boot Pizza, Zapp’s Potato Chips and Marijuana rounded off the top five list.

Most Ordered Drink at PJ’s Directions To Nearest Starbucks

Thursday, March 7th, 2013

In a mid-term report published yesterday, March 5, PJ’s Coffee revealed that the most ordered drink at their shop was in fact direction to the nearest Starbucks.

“Oh well of course” began unsurprised New Jersey freshman Oliver Mist, after hearing about the new report. “I order that every time I go in. It’s just the right mix of frothy whip cream, vanilla bean flavor, and fuck you to the PJ’s staff. Plus, I get a great Starbucks trip out of it. It’s not that I dislike PJ’s, I just hate it and think its stupid.”

The PJ’s report stated that the second most ordered drink was a “Frappuccino”, the third was “what do you mean you don’t have Frappuccino’s, I thought this was a coffee shop?”, and the fourth was frozen hot chocolate.

“I don’t understand.” Stated perplexed PJ’s barista Antonio Roosevelt. “We have been around for a really long time. I don’t know how many times I have to explain that our sizes are small through large, I don’t know what a damn vente is. Really, it should be way easier, we are the ones using english.”

“People say that we are a southern, New Orleans chain” continued PJ’s Barista Roosevelt, “but I would really contest that uptown is our northeastern location.”

Freshmen 15 Actually Baby

Friday, December 7th, 2012

Friday, December 7, Freshman girl Amy Berger found out the freshman fifteen she thought she had gained was actually just baby weight from her unknown pregnancy.

“I just had no idea,” said a stunned Berger, reliving the moment when she found out the news, “After gaining so much weight in my first four months here I really didn’t know what was causing it. I guess I feel relieved; at least I’m not just getting fat.”

After a particularly large meal at Bruff commons, Amy started to notice the added weight.

“My friend made a food baby joke,” said the still shocked Amy, “and I thought to myself- wait, is that possible? That’s when I took the test and found out the news. I had to tell A-dawg the news, he didn’t take the news quite as I had thought.”

A-dawg, the father of the unborn baby, was ecstatic about the upcoming pregnancy.

“Oh, thank god!” A-dawg told reporters this afternoon, “I thought I had just accidentally hooked up with a fat girl! You can’t imagine how comforted I am by this news. Maybe we can name the baby thunderdome, after my dorm room where he was conceived.”

Tulane officials report A-dawg being less happy when told that it was too late for plan b, and plans c through z weren’t “real things.”

When asked what she plans to do next Berger responded with a resounding, “I really don’t know. I feel like the most unlucky person ever. Well, not most unlucky, at least I didn’t get pregnant at Loyola.”

Freshman Microwaves Weed To Cover Up Smell Of Popcorn

Friday, October 26th, 2012

Yesterday, Thursday October 25, freshman student Ashton Browner was arrested when TUPD officers found that he had accidentally microwaved his marijuana instead of making his usual popcorn.

“I guess I got confused,” commented freshman student Browner, “I didn’t realize what had happened until I started walking around my hall and everyone was high. I thought it tasted less buttery than normal.”

Browner had achieved the nickname Orville among his friends for making popcorn so often in his dorm room.

“There is no way he likes popcorn that much,” Said popcorn personality and butter enthusiast Orville Redenbacher. “No fucking way.”

“This episode was stranger than usual,” reminisced TUPD officer Gary Mcshanton, “Usually we get calls from RA’s and they sound angry, or worried, but this time we got the call from the RA and he just kept asking ‘how do I know my insides are working if I can’t feel them?!’ Needless to say we were confused.”

“I’ll tell you what,” remarked Browner, “Smoking that popcorn wasn’t to comfortable either.”

This has been the most confusing weed related incident since students realized the neighborhoods around campus also have to abide by laws.

1’Fight For Breast Cancer’ Cookies Linked To Diabetes

Monday, October 15th, 2012

According to numerous sources, Bruffs new “Fight For Breast Cancer” cookies have been linked to a rise in Diabetes within the Tulane community.

“We just don’t understand it,” commented baffled doctor Roscoe Mcgriff. “There is something about these sugary, chocolate stuffed cookies that is causing obesity and diabetes within the Tulane community. We have sent the cookies to the lab, but we are still waiting for a response.”

Tulane Officials reports that obesity hasn’t been this prevalent on campus since Crawfest. Every year.

“It’s messing around with my emotional reactions,” Claimed freshman student Daniel Statsman. “Now every time someone mention breast cancer my mouth salivates and I start to feel hungry… it’s pretty screwed up.”

Students are trying to do their part in order to raise awareness for breast cancer by trying to reach the 100,000 cookie goal set in Bruff. That is 100,000 cookies for maybe 4,000 students who use Bruff.

“I ate 30 of them,” said sophomore student Terry Mcgill, “You know, to help raise awareness for breast cancer. I’m just trying to do my part for the greater good of society.”

Tulane officials have started a new initiative to raise awareness for diabetes prevention with new “End Diabetes” cigarettes being given away in the sitting area outside the business school.