Casualties Soar in Lizard-Cockroach Turf War



Earlier this week, decades of tension between local lizards and cockroaches erupted in a massive turf war that ravaged an entire square of sidewalk at the intersection of Drill Road and Newcomb Place. In the aftermath, severed tails littered the battleground, crumpled antennae were strewn every which way, and the corpses were piled high as a crushed Natty Light.

Reports indicate the carnage resulted from an aggressive dispute regarding which creature first laid claim to that abandoned mound of cheese fries on Broadway. Historians at the Great Library of Alexantria have already coined the phrase, “The fry that raised a thousand tails.” Fighting of this magnitude has not broken out since the signing of the Treaty of Zimple in 1835.

Major General Athropodus, the Cockroach’s lead general, outlined his plan of attack that fateful day.

“We sent our Skitterers out first, but they were almost immediately crushed by a salvo of acorns slung from the tails of those damned lizards.”

Private Anole of the lizard faction vividly described the massacre when the opposing front lines first clashed. “I lost my brother Eugene to a pinecone mortar that did its job all too well. His last words were, ‘Tell my wife and 37 offspring that I love them.’”

The impact of the gory conflict was exacerbated by the snail ambulance’s slow response times, despite being stationed the next square over.

The roaches won the initial battle, but the war was far from over. The lizards’ successful diplomatic negotiations with the squirrel cavalry gave them the tactical advantage they needed to secure the eastern curb and cut off the enemy’s vital supply train of starches. This move forced the roaches hand; after centuries of bitter feuding, they reestablished their ancient pact with the dragonflies, ushering in a new era of insect alliance not seen since the Thorax League. They proved to be great allies until they began mating mid air-strike.

Reverend Mantis, observing the bloodbath from afar, silently bowed his head in prayer and wished for all the violence to end and for a brighter tomorrow for animalkind.




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