Butler Resident Gets Laid, Dorm Renamed in His Honor

This past Saturday, the honors freshman dormitory formerly known as Butler Hall was buzzing with excitement as President Fitts unveiled the dorm’s new name, Richard Gunn House. Butler was renamed in honor of first-year student Richard Gunn, who had sexual intercourse in Butler’s (previously ironic) sex dungeon, Room 220, the previous Friday.

“I think I speak for all of us at Tulane when I say that I am incredibly proud of Mr. Gunn. I hope other honors students can follow his example. God knows we need to compensate for all those Sharp boys entering the gene pool” said President Fitts as he handed Richard a personal gift, a whimsical pair of his own boxer shorts that reads “STUD” across the buttocks with arrows pointing toward the crotch.

Gunn met his sexual partner, Joelle Goldenstein, after she tried to steal a slice of pizza from the Science and Engineering Honor Society mixer. Goldenstein swooned at the sight of Gunn’s new Apple smart-watch, and her heart fluttered as he told her “My dad works for Apple, so I like could maybe get you one before it comes out…if that’s like you know something you’d think is cool I guess.”

Even the most veteran Butler residents were perplexed at the thought of an act of coitus taking place in their residency. “Two years ago I walked in on a Loyola girl giving a student an over-the-pants handy in the laundry room, but I never could have imagined someone would get laid in here. Actually, I imagined it pretty often but usually it was me and the hot library gir-wait are you still writing this down? Dude, don’t publish that. Come on. Please? Bro she’ll be so creeped out come on. Fuck you then, no one reads your shitty paper anyway,” commented Jeremy Johnson, who is in his third year as a Butler RA.

In the RG 2 common room the auction of Richard’s no-longer-needed pocket pussy reached a winning bid of 25 Bruff swipes, unlimited use of Captain Falcon in the floor’s Super Smash Bros tournaments, and an agreement to stop referring to Joelle as “Dick’s little shiksa goddess.”


One Comment to “Butler Resident Gets Laid, Dorm Renamed in His Honor”

  1. Fatcat McGee says:

    Well done mr. Gunn. Looks like another big dick on campus will be swinging around here soon. Here’s to another but baby!

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