Brokenhearted Class Hopes Philandering Student Will Remember the Good Times


Reports out of Jones Hall confirm that Brian Melrose, a smooth-talking, renegade junior, has officially ended things with Diversity of Life Section 02, unexpectedly dropping the forlorn class without warning. However, the inconsolable, devastated class, who had grown extremely close to Brian during their three weeks together, claims to only want the best for the wayward heartbreaker.

“I remember the first time I saw Brian,” said a teary-eyed Diversity of Life Section 02. “It was 8 in the morning and damn his slight slouch and bleary eyes were dazzling. The first thing he did was stumble into one of my chairs, and I know it sounds cliché, but it was love at first sit, for me at least.”

The two reportedly enjoyed an intensely intimate encounter on the day of their first meeting, when Melrose passionately yawned into his syllabus. Soon after the lovebirds haphazardly sealed the deal, with Melrose confirming his registration after stalking Diversity of Life Section 02’s online Quizlet and the two agreeing to continue seeing each other strictly on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays at 8 am. The pair experienced a handful of rowdy nights, purportedly meeting up every Thursday night from 6:30 – 9:15 pm for late night mischief and amphibian dissections.

Diversity of Life Section 02 recalled how the relationship soured, stating that Melrose began mumbling obscenities under his breath whenever Diversity of Life Section 02 tried to make plans outside of the classroom.


“We had some good times. We really did. He used to do this cute thing where he would sleep whenever we were together. I just hope as he moves forward and sees other classes, he won’t forget the cherished memories we shared,” sighed Diversity of Life Section 02 wistfully.


“DoL Section 02? Yeah, we used to hang,” stated a smirking Melrose as he browsed other potential classes online. “I’d come by, we’d kick back, watch some Internet TV and fool around until I fell asleep. You won’t hear this from the class, but things were doomed from the start. I was getting woken up way too early, it was a hell of a time commitment, and frankly I’m just trying to satisfy my lab with science requirement.“

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