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Tulane Introduces “Candy Grams: For Bros” This Valentine’s Day

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Valentine’s day is upon us, and expressions of love are flowing freely like soft drinks from Bruff. Well, most expressions of love are. Lost among these confessions of intimacy are those between heterosexual males. For too long, Tulane’s boizzz have had to keep their bromances under the table, out of sight for fear of being called “homo”, or having their scrotums “tapped”. But as part of the Only the Audacious campaign, we at Tulane are happy to say that this Valentine’s day will be different. We are proud to unveil: Candy Grams for Bros.

With this new program, straight as an arrow dudes will finally be able to tell that someone special in their fraternity how they really feel. President Mike Fitts had this to say on the initiative, “Whether you pen a letter telling Chad how your heart goes aflutter whenever he tells you to ‘suck his dick’, or slip a note into Brad’s duck boots admitting how your body craves his lingering fist bumps, I’m just happy straight guys are finally getting the opportunity to express themselves.” The basic “package”, at $19.99, consists of a pack of 10 notecards, watermarked with “No Homo”, a box of Russell Stover chocolates filled with Whey protein, and a pen manufactured by Pen15 writing utensils. However, guys who really want to spoil their bros can opt for the “extra large package”. This option includes a couple extra goodies for your boy toy. Each of your guy crushes (not romantic of course) will receive: a Yankee Candle with the scent “Saturdays”, a sensuous mixtape from Lil Dicky and G-Eazy, as well as a Masculine Massage oil, delivered via U-Haul in a delightful wicker basket. The extra large package squeezes in at $69.69 (nice).

Brendan Smith, who is a recent recipient of a basket, had this to say “It was pretty fucking sick that Jason sent me all of this shit. Like I really appreciate it, and know that he appreciates me. I was vibing with the Masculine massage oil, which is perfect for couples massages– I mean oil wrestling.”

Order Candy Grams: for Bros to let your main man you think of him as more than a friend, but not too much more.

10 Things to Buy With $40 Other Than The Boot Fast Pass

Disney World fast passes…but for drunks! If your family is too bougie for the lines at Disney World, you definitely don’t have the time to wait in the Boot line this Mardi Gras, and the $40 fast pass will keep you from associating with the riff raff in line. For those of you on the fence about buying a fast pass, here are 10 other things you can buy with $40

  1. 4 chicken shwarma from Lebanon Cafe
  2. 8 Juul pods
  3. An oil diffuser to calm down after being vomited on in the poor people line

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  4. 1 shoebox of krokodil
  5. 18 days of the Tulane laundry service
  6. 26 minutes of guest time in Butler for either sex or half an episode of planet earth
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  7. A Rally’s Franchise
  8. 4 PJ’s gift cards to drunkenly give to the professors you wanna fuck
  9. The Uber vomit fee in South Africa (I studied abroad! :)
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  10. Donate to California WildFires!
    http://www.sanluisobispo.com/news/state/california/fires/article188487034.html

Tulane Administrators Blame Former LBC Restaurant for Climate Survey Results

Following the release of the Tulane Sexual Climate Survey at the Wave of Change event hosted by President Michael “Crying Mike” Fitts, Tulane administrators decided to stop staring out the window, put down their daqs and buckle up to launch an investigation regarding possible factors that may have led to these horrific results. The Survey results showed incredibly high numbers of Tulane students experiencing sexual assault, harassment and rape, and after careful assessment, Tulane’s pasty white research team can only attribute these results to one clear cause: Byblos. The number of Byblos locations on Tulane’s campus suffered a dramatic 100% decrease from 2016 to 2018. In the same time span, the number of times Tulane executives actually had to face the disgusting reality of the school’s sexual assault problem increased all the way from 0 to 1. The administration research team also believes the whopping 1 to 0 drop in campus Byblos locations may have precipitated other attitudes on campus, including discontentment and lack of respect for other humans.

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Freshman Digs to Find Underground Fraternity

960x540.jpeg“It has been a long time, and a lot of work, but I heard that’s what pledging is, so I don’t mind.” Freshman boy Danny Hodge smiled, wiping the dirt and sweat from his brow. The future frat star had agreed to grant The Vignette exclusive access to his journey in pursuit of joining an underground fraternity.

Danny was in good spirits today, explaining that earlier he had found an old Kirkland lite beer can, which meant he must be close.

“When I first heard about underground frats, I knew that I wanted to be in one. I mean, I’m an anthropology and chemistry major so it just made sense. As an anthropologist I love digging for stuff, so finding an underground frat would be no problem, and as a chemistry major I love experimenting, and I heard underground frats love mixing things into drinks and seeing how unknowing girls react. If that isn’t the scientific process I don’t know what is!”

Danny didn’t seem too startled when we explained that because he had stopped attending classes to dig his hole, he was no longer a chemistry or anthropology major, but rather not attending Tulane.

“Well that is even more perfect! I hear half the guys in underground frats don’t attend classes!”

Fraternity Spikes Vat, Sorority Gets One Year Suspension

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Tulane University has just charged the Psi chapter of the Sigma Mu Delta sorority with conduct violations for attending a party where Delta Iota Kappa fraternity members had spiked the drinks with xanax, roofies and rat poison. For their crimes, SMD was charged with underage drinking and being normal college women. Tulane has suspended the sorority for one year.

Mary Howser, Director of Fraternity and Sorority Programs, explained the reasoning behind the harsh punishment, saying “SMD had a responsibility to not drink the drugged vat that DIK had spiked with rat poison. They should know better.”

For the fraternity’s punishment, Delta Iota Kappa received an on-campus satellite house with a pool. When asked to comment, Delta Iota Kappa’s president, Mark Markenson, replied “Dilly Dilly!”

“We Fuck” – Tulane Holiday Sweater Slogan Both Controversial and Wildly Popular

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Holiday sweaters are an icon of the winter season, and colleges and universities across the country have gotten in on the trend by selling sweaters featuring their school’s name or logo with a holiday twist. This year the Tulane Bookstore is home to the hottest sweaters in the nation, as Tulane’s unofficial slogan, “We Fuck”, has made its way onto the school’s holiday sweaters. All the way down the east coast from “near Boston you wouldn’t know the town but yeah I have a cardboard cutout of Tom Brady that I suck off every Sunday” to “just outside DC so I know the real truth about crooked Hillary and I flipped off Malia Obama in a Whole Foods once,” students, alumni, parents, and jewish grandparents who just want you to find a nice jewish future doctor to date are sporting the controversial sweaters.

The first individuals to purchase the sweaters, Chad and Brittney Charleston (both Freeman ’95, pictured above) were able to meet with The Vignette to discuss their take on the sweaters.

“We flew to NOLA from Long Island for Halloween because we learned last year getting fucked up off hand grenades and passing out in the middle of the street is frowned upon in the suburbs,” explained Chad. Britney continued, “Then we checked out campus the next day. I couldn’t even remember what I did at Tulane, I definitely don’t recall any classes.” Chad chimed in, “We fucked. I told my wife, when we were at Tulane we fucked. All the time. It’s what we did. We fucked. So when we saw the sweaters in the bookstore we had to get some for ourselves and one for our little future Pi Phi here.”

The bookstore also offers less controversial holiday sweater designs, including a Hannukah themed “Jew-Lane” and a Christmas “Mike Fitts Got Run Over by a Reindeer.”

8 Crystals You Need This Holiday Season

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1. Rose quartz: For Family
Rose quartz is one of the most magical crystals that bestows healing and loving energy to those surrounding it. This one will help especially to bring your parents back together after that brutal divorce they had this past spring.

2. Sodalite: For Spirit
Sodalite is known to connect you with your sixth sense. Keep this crystal in your pocket and your plug will absolutely come through.

3. Selenite: For Smarts
Open note test.

4. Toumaline: For Luck
Keeping Tourmaline on you ensures double luck!! Make sure to keep this guy on ya during those late night Donald’s runs and the McFlurry machine will for sure be up and running! Works like a charm every time!

5. Obsidian: For More Spirit
This ol character brings healing energy and serenity when you need it. Plant this sucker under the tree to make sure your drug dealer cousin brings dabs to Christmas dinner.

6. Labradorite: For Peace
Labradorite gives that good good defense against whatever you tell it to protect you from. Keep it on you to make sure that neighbor you fucked ONE TIME leaves you alone at least this year.

7. Amazonite: For Lust
Everyone knows this crazy rock makes all your dang dreams come true! Swallow a few with your morning joe and your hot professor will add you on fb after grades are in!!

Tulane 100% Positive that Loud Noise Could Only Be Caused by North Korean Bombers

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Tensions are high on McAlister Avenue. In addition to North Korea’s recent missile test, the increased threat from North Korea has been punctuated by the President’s recent state visits in Asia, including a blunder involving an awkward encounter between Trump and TMZ in the DMZ. Tulane is rightly worried about the susceptibility of the campus to missile strikes, particularly due to any of the heavily disputed areas between Greenbaum and The Boot Store.

A poll of students and staff revealed that five out of five members of the Tulane community were certain that the loud scary noises that came from the sky were North Korean bombers, and the numbers don’t lie. That’s a whole 100% of people that are certain the North Koreans have been ready to blow us to shit since at least last semester.

The get some perspective on the issue, the Vignette sat down with the head of campus security, Kim Jungle, to get the scoop.

 

Vignette: So, Kim, why are the scary sky booms North Korean bombers?

Kim Jungle: Have you heard that noise? It is absolutely North Korean bombers.

V: What, exactly, should a person do when they hear the terrifying sound?

KJ: I’m going to be honest with you and let you know that they are always there. Hate to burst your bubble, but there is no escaping them. I’ve done everything. I live in terror every day, and the horrific tickle up my spine every time I hear them approach haunts me. I haven’t slept in days.

V: Any tips on how to cope?

KJ: When you can, forget the fear. Enjoy small things in life. Stay away from structurally unsound buildings, like Stern, buildings with dangerously low railings, like Phelps and Irby, and Sharp, because Sharp boys never text back.

 

The ROTC refused to comment.

President Fitts Set to Announce Tulane Will Join the SEC

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If you read the “View From Gibson” like a goddamn nerd, you already know Mike Fitts is set to announce some big news, and it’s not that we’re a top 39 school! Tulane is rumored to be returning to the SEC, the Southeastern Conference home to storied football programs including Alabama, Auburn, Arkansas and “The Tulane of Nashville,” Vanderbilt University. Many are surprised by the conference upgrade given Tulane’s mediocre 5-7 record this season, but the Yulman family snuck some discounted Sealy mattresses the SEC chairman’s way, and NCAA officials approved the deal after being wooed with a lifetime supply of Oz’s gourmet grilled cheese sticks.

Unfortunately, Fitts’s excitement has been slightly misplaced, as the email sent to mikeyfitts97@hotmail.com that he thought said “Tulane to be added to the SEC” actually read “Tulane to be audited by the SEC.” Tulane is not joining America’s elite college football conference; in fact the Securities & Exchange Commission is investigating Tulane for dubious financial actions, including but not limited to bribery via Sealy mattresses and grilled cheese stick inflation.

In a heroic and rare stroke of insight, Dean MacLaren noticed Fitts had misinterpreted the email, and began a Wolf of Wall Street-esque procedure of shuttling all the evidence into the Mississippi River.

 

Top Five Thanksgiving Fun Facts to Break the Tension When Uncle Bob Says Something Racist Again

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  1. On the first Thanksgiving they didn’t eat turkey. Instead the starving pilgrims gnawed on the skulls of a raccoon family that had drowned in a local pond.
  2. Thanksgiving has now become the fourth most popular Thursday holiday in November, just recently passing Dranksgiving (RIP Kappa Sig). It still ranks below Danksgiving, Election Day, and Matthew McConaughey’s Birthday Bonanza—Alright alright alright!
  3. Most people don’t know how America chooses the turkey for our fun “Turkey Pardoning” tradition. It is actually an all-year process. In January, federal officials randomly select one male and one female turkey from 12 separate farms. Then they put all 24 turkey-contestants in a battle arena and let them fight it out to the death Hunger Games-style while throwing challenges at them like “Raining Ovens” and “Gravy Tsunami.” The last remaining turkey gets to be pardoned!
  4. The amount of turkey consumed on Thanksgiving last year in America was 736 million pounds! That is the exact weight of Kim Jong-Un’s left thigh.
  5. Few people know that only 1% of American citizens actually eat turkey on Thanksgiving. Most of us don’t read the fine print that the special birds we pick out are not actually turkeys but rather exceptionally obese chickens.