Valentine’s day is upon us, and expressions of love are flowing freely like soft drinks from Bruff. Well, most expressions of love are. Lost among these confessions of intimacy are those between heterosexual males. For too long, Tulane’s boizzz have had to keep their bromances under the table, out of sight for fear of being called “homo”, or having their scrotums “tapped”. But as part of the Only the Audacious campaign, we at Tulane are happy to say that this Valentine’s day will be different. We are proud to unveil: Candy Grams for Bros.
With this new program, straight as an arrow dudes will finally be able to tell that someone special in their fraternity how they really feel. President Mike Fitts had this to say on the initiative, “Whether you pen a letter telling Chad how your heart goes aflutter whenever he tells you to ‘suck his dick’, or slip a note into Brad’s duck boots admitting how your body craves his lingering fist bumps, I’m just happy straight guys are finally getting the opportunity to express themselves.” The basic “package”, at $19.99, consists of a pack of 10 notecards, watermarked with “No Homo”, a box of Russell Stover chocolates filled with Whey protein, and a pen manufactured by Pen15 writing utensils. However, guys who really want to spoil their bros can opt for the “extra large package”. This option includes a couple extra goodies for your boy toy. Each of your guy crushes (not romantic of course) will receive: a Yankee Candle with the scent “Saturdays”, a sensuous mixtape from Lil Dicky and G-Eazy, as well as a Masculine Massage oil, delivered via U-Haul in a delightful wicker basket. The extra large package squeezes in at $69.69 (nice).
Brendan Smith, who is a recent recipient of a basket, had this to say “It was pretty fucking sick that Jason sent me all of this shit. Like I really appreciate it, and know that he appreciates me. I was vibing with the Masculine massage oil, which is perfect for couples massages– I mean oil wrestling.”
Order Candy Grams: for Bros to let your main man you think of him as more than a friend, but not too much more.