Ask a Former TEMS Worker!

Jerry Fordam is a former TEMS ambulance worker, who in a fit of despair and loneliness joined the Vignette writing staff.


Dear Former TEMS Worker,

Hey Jerry. Approximately 4 minutes ago, I dropped a broken bottle in the living room and gouged my leg open. It’s bleeding really badly. Any tips for me? I’m really scared and need help.



Dear Lisa,

Well, Lisa, thanks for asking! Time is really of the essence here, so you’re going to need to act quickly. Since I can’t be there right now, let me walk you through your problem using this horribly inefficient advice column… Apply direct pressure to the site of the wound. Now, Lisa, can you tell me a little bit more about the cut and how it was bleeding? Was the blood bright red and spurting or dark and oozing? Lisa? Are you there, Lisa? Lisa? Lisa, are you there? Lisa? Ah, well.


Dear Former TEMS Worker,

Hey Jerry, I’m allergic to peanuts, and my aunt just dropped off some baked goods, and I don’t think she knew. I had one brownie and suddenly broke out in hives. My face is swollen beyond recognition, and I can feel my airway is closing in, making it hard to breathe and I (chokes) … I (gags) (choking noises) gggrrghghghhrrrrrhqwhvhelpmepleaseohgodicantbreathelevfvlhef



Dear Michael,

Wow, That sure sounds like an allergic reaction if I’ve ever heard one described to me! This seems like a real emergency! What you’re going to want to do here is grab an epi-pen, pop the cap (make sure it’s not expired!) And then thrust it into your thigh in one swift motion, waiting about 10 seconds for the medication to fully administer. Now, do you have an Epi-Pen, Michael? Michael? Are you there Michael? Michael, are you there? It’s important that you do this quickly Michael, you don’t want to stop breathing! Michael…?
Dear Former TEMS Worker,

Todd: Hey Jerry. I’m new to this whole drinking thing. My roommate, Jordan, came back from going out. He looked a little drunk, and told me that he had a couple of beers. I should probably mention, we’re both underage, so it IS illegal for him to have been drinking. He’s asleep now, breathing normally, and keeps telling me to stop waking him up to check if he’s alive. What should I do in in this situation?



Dear Todd,

Fuck you, Todd. Your roommate is fine.



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