All The Questions About NEW TEMS You Were Too Afraid To Ask

Well would you look at that, TEMS is back after a harrowing months-long absence! Now that you’ve all grown accustomed to living like beasts in the fearful lawless wasteland that is the Real World Without TEMS, we here at the Vignette thought you might want to ease back into this particular privilege. So here they are kids: your most frequently asked questions about TEMS’ glorious return and our EMT-B answers!

 

What have TEMS members been doing this whole time?

That’s a simple one, buddy-o. They’ve been hibernating! Lying dormant underground beneath a thin layer of soil, and on top of a pile of cotton balls and latex gloves. Still in their uniforms and holding a walkie-talkie to their cheeks, they emerged one by one up out of the earth the second Ol’ Dusty announced that it was time to resume boozin’ and hazin’ and driving the Wee Woo.

 

Is it true TEMS has to accept ugly people now?

It is true that TEMS is no longer allowed to review applicants on the bases of attractiveness, personality, talent, or anything else that could easily be a category in the Miss America Pageant. However, they may take advantage of a loophole that says there are no stipulations mandating that TEMS has to hire any fuglies. Indeed, insiders described their new class as “Bruff 5’s, Boot 7’s, Snakes 10’s”

 

How did you choose members if not based only on appearance?

There are a number of skills and personal qualities TEMS can use to evaluate applicants that are not appearance-based. Some of these include liquor tolerance, loyalty, and the ability to see something and say nothing.

 

What are some other changes you’ve made to the organization?

TEMS has been ordered to become “Less Party, More Business,” a mantra that will lead to transitions away from some tried and true TEMS traditions. Uniforms will now include a tasteful suit jacket, walkie talkies will be replaced by Bluetooth headsets, the ambulances will be traded in for luxurious but not ostentatious Cadillacs, and the organization’s members will shift their destructive energies away from hazing and toward insider trading and predatory lending.

 

When will TEMS be officially back in service? Can I call them now?

The start date for TEMS, while forthcoming, has yet to be announced so no, you may not call TEMS now. bBut sources say if you’re looking for something to do next weekend they’re definitely down to party!

 

But my roommate is having a seizure.

Wow, that is unfortunate. I would suggest you call 911 in this situation.

 

Nah, my number one priority is that all the EMT’s are friends. Might as well wait until TEMS gets back.

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Are there any people negatively affected by the return of TEMS?

The Tulane Enchilada Making Society is still recovering from the brutal tearing away of their control over the “TEMS” acronym.

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