99% of Tulane Students Don’t Realize They’re the 1%

A typical college is full of typical poor college students, but neither Tulane nor its students are typical in any way, shape, or form, according to recent news that 99% of Tulanians have no clue they’re the 1%. With college tuition skyrocketing, the economic gap widening, and the number of houses Santa couldn’t get to on the rise, awareness of income inequality in the United States has been heightened over recent months. The Vignette thought it was only appropriate to interview Tulane students about their recent economic difficulties.

“The price of college is outrageous. Every year I watch Daddy CRINGE as he writes the $65,000 check for Tulane. All that cringing can’t be good for his skin. Thank God we have the best plastic surgeons on call.” said Brianna, a sophomore, as a helicopter dropped a refrigerator-sized box full of smart water, Lululemon headbands, and jewels outside her dorm (value estimated at $50,000). “What? It’s sister’s quarter birthday. If I don’t get something also, I throw a fit. That’s just who I am. It’s tough.”

Ethan, a freshman, has started to feel the heat himself. “I know struggle. I mean, my family is just making ends meet with the $3 million salary my parents cut from Father’s business profits each year. Money is limited, you know – I had to decide if I wanted to go to Tulane or suck it up at a state school and get a new car.” he claimed, donning his Ray Bans to cover up the tears. He then pulled away in his 2015 BMW i8. Ethan was later overheard telling a pack of poverty-stricken polo-wearers the best ways to yell at their fathers so they can get that monogrammed bath robe and toiletry set.

“People don’t understand how difficult it is to budget in college. This is what it feels like to be poor,” Jennifer claimed, clinging her Louis Vuitton bag close to her chest. “I try to eat the free food in Bruff as much as I can, like twice a week or so. I also told my parents that I’m ok with only having 318 outfits, even though there are 365 days in a year.” She was unable to be reached for further comments, as she was running late for her reservation at R’evolution, where she reportedly spent $18 on a bowl of lettuce and croutons.

Jacob, a senior, has started to realize the true value of money in his last semester at Tulane. “I was feeling pretty down when I saw all my friends had black credit cards while I was stuck platinum. It’s so hard when your parents give you a credit card limit $1,000 lower than your friends. But then, I checked my privilege- I noticed my roommate didn’t even have a platinum credit card. It was blue. I didn’t even know they came in blue! How would he find it if he dropped it in, like, the beautiful blue waters of Cancun?”

The rest of Jacob’s floor could not be reached for comment, as they were busy making an enormous mess for DTZ to clean up.

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