Vignette Endorses Vinny for USG President

Tulane’s USG elections are right around the corner and undergraduate students are feeling the pressure from their friends’ changing cover photos to select the perfect presidential candidate.  Here at The Vignette, we have done the work for you this year, you lucky voter.  We’re proud to be officially endorsing the only candidate right for Tulane and its student body.  He’s someone to support during all seasons, he prefers epic novels to simple stories, and if you don’t really care at all about these elections, you should know that he doesn’t either.    

 

Screen Shot 2016-03-07 at 9.07.20 AMHis name is Vinny, the Vignette V, and he’s here to make some serious changes to this campus.  He has served as USG’s chair for Disembodied Letters and was his freshman residence hall’s senator or something. He promises to do all he can for USG, even though that may not be much. We’ve included a breakdown below of some of the key issues facing Tulane students along with a brief summary of the way they fit into Vinny’s campaign.  

Worried about campus safety?  Vinny  is too! One of his campaign promises is to order enough Landmark Security Jackets for every student.  Any intruder to campus will be unable to tell the difference between students and security guards, and we’ll all have about the same level of training anyway.  

Too lazy to make it all the way to Starbucks? Vinny promises to build an underground, air-conditioned tunnel from the LBC to the Loyola Starbucks. He is in contact with Tulane’s contractors and he doesn’t care that the water table in New Orleans is too high to ever consider such a thing. There is nothing – NOTHING – that Vinny loves more than an iced grande double shot Starbucks blend coffee with two equals. He understands that you feel the same way. Until such a tunnel can be completed, Vinny hopes to restructure the routes of all campus shuttles to stop across the street.  No more slaving away to get the good coffee.

Feel like you deserve to ride the hoverboard your grandma paid $700 for to buy back your love? The banning of hoverboards on this campus shocked and appalled the ten football players who decided that walking was a thing of the past.  Vinny stands for athletes, and for all students, in the fight for alternative cross-campus modes of transportation.  He’ll fight for this right, and he will not let the fear of spontaneous combustion stop him from bringing hoverboards back.

Not sure about whether Tulane should Divest? Neither is Vinny, as nobody has been able to really explain the whole issue to him.  He’s looking into it.  He doesn’t look great in orange though…

Distressed that the bookstore doesn’t sell bananas with the Tulane logo branded on? Vinny would never stand for such nonsense. He’s already got an online order ready to go, all you have to do is elect him and he’ll proceed to checkout.

Mad that Tulane didn’t win the 2013 New Orleans Bowl? Ever since Vinny started running, UL-L has experienced a recruiting scandal and Tulane is now technically the victors of the New Orleans Bowl. #givebackourbowl
Worried About Our Feline Friends? Vinny believes that the real reason students choose Tulane over other universities every year is because of our abundance of stray cats.  He promises to insulate the cat houses on the academic quad with all those unread copies of The Hullabaloo, decluttering campus for you and keeping our kitty friends warm at night.
Concerned that Vinny in a fictitious, anthropomorphic mockery of the letter V who could never uphold the values of Tulane let alone logically exist in the real world? Shame on you. You were raised better than that. Vinny is as really real as he is absolutely absolute. He puts the “ape” in “paperwork.” We’re not really sure what that means, but he told us to say it, and we gotta agree, it makes a lot of sense.

Think shoes are “so 2015”? Vinny has sworn that, if elected, he will lift the “you must wear shoes” rule that everyone seems to mindlessly follow. Imagine, not having to wear shoes all the time! Sweet freedom. Vinny will free your feet from tyranny. And if gingers have taught us anything, it’s that it’s ok to be soleless.

Annoyed that the flyers in Newcomb only cover a tiny portion of the ugly walls underneath? Vinny has always hated ugly walls and his love of flyers can be traced back to his days as a young lowercase. He vows to cover Newcomb’s remaining wall space with the most beautiful flyers you can image.  

Think all doors should be revolving doors? Wow, we never thought of that! What a unique and novel concept. Bravo. That idea is all yours, pal. Congrats.

Worried about mental health on campus? Vinny is, too. Currently he is the ONLY candidate working to block CAPS’ newest proposal, the “Let’s Give Every Student Who Comes In A Lobotomy.” Vinny is fighting for you, working to make this a campus where students accept each other’s minds instead of trying to surgically remove them. He is also working with the Healthy Veggie Club to create a safe environment for those students who have already been lobotomized after getting lost on the way to the financial aid office.

Worried about the overwhelmingly racist values and power structures present throughout Tulane’s campus? Like all of the other USG candidates, Vinny will be answering this question with a vague but relatively supportive-sounding statement packed with buzzwords like diversity, intersectionality, and inclusivity. There won’t be any concrete plans for long-awaited change, but it will sure sound like he cares!.

Impressed?  We were too, and that’s why the entire Vignette staff will be swiping their V-Card at the polls this week.  Join us, and vote Vinny!


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