47 Year-Old Feral Business Student Found Inhabiting B-School Breakout Room

The TUPD has confirmed the presence of a Feral Business Student in our midst. The student, Colson Reid (Class of ’90), is reported to have been living in one of the A.B. Freeman School of Business study rooms, where business students can be seen not doing work since 1986.
On Thursday, Sophomore Darren Schenk left class early to attend a 1980’s themed bash at the Sigma house. “After the party, I was chasing the cow cat and got too tired to make it all the way back to Irby, so I slept in the B-school. I woke up around 8 am and saw a dude who looked like he moonwalked straight out of the 80s, so I asked him if he had a good time at the party. That’s when he screamed ‘Trickle Down Economics!’ and attacked me.”
After he was mauled with the ferocity of a disgruntled used car salesman on PCP, Schenk bled alone for over an hour until students arrived for their 9ams and notified TUPD. Investigators followed the trail of blood to the breakout room where Reid had been living for over 29 years.
TUPD found Reid huddled over an illegible resume, repeatedly chanting “Productivity, Start up, Revenue, Logistics, Cocaine.” He was sporting a Bon Jovi, neon ski jacket, hammer pants, large glasses, and Reebok Pump Shoes (Figure A) The party portion of Reid’s mullet had grown to his feet, although the business portion had remained remarkably intact and neatly trimmed.
Over the course of 29 years, Reid had reformatted lair into what can only be described as a conference room from a haunted Alcatraz: a plush bed made of failed accounting tests, walls covered in stock photos of businesswomen torn from flyers, and the word “Synergy” etched into the wall over 60 times. A Walkman hooked into speakers was playing Wang Chung’s “Everybody Have Fun Tonight”.
TUPD’s investigative bureau hypothesizes that Reid sustained himself over the 29 year period scavenging for food between the hours of 8-8:50 am while students slept through their classes.
“The staff knew about him,” commented an anonymous Marketing professor “but we never said anything because no one would believe us and we thought we’d get bullied by grad-school professors again. Sometimes I give him the attendance candy I brought for students, to appease him”.
“The investigation is ongoing but we have a few theories,” remarked TUPD agent Skylar O’Wolfe, “We think he was reserving the breakout room to meet with his group for a report titled ‘Workplace Dynamics: Your Cubicle and You’. He was able to go unnoticed for so long by finger painting the word “ART” on the window because he assumed business school students would never look at anything art related.”
TUPD plans to continue the investigation and has shut down the business school for the remainder of the semester, which students have yet to notice.

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