Archive for October, 2017

Tulane Takes Stand Against Sexual Violence, Takes Back Honorary Degree Set to be Given to Harvey Weinstein

Wednesday, October 18th, 2017

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Just days before finalizing plans to reward Harvey Weinstein with an honorary PhD for his “remarkable achievements in one of Tulane’s core values: being a rich and powerful white man,” university officials announced that the whole thing was a no-go, because, you know, Tulane cares about sexual violence now?

Students are excited about this revolutionary move. “I’m really proud to be rolling with the Wave in this one,” Junior Patty Ranch commented. “Not a lot of colleges can say they are woke enough to do something like not give Harvey Weinstein an honorary degree.”

When asked about the decision, Dr. Earl “Hot-Pocket” Wilson, chair of the all-male honorary degree committee, noted that the move was not just a stroke of genius, but a stroke of luck. “We were this close to a PR disaster!” he said, drinking from a mug of room temperature coffee. “Good thing Mark from PR has a daughter and is therefore able to comprehend that women are people too. Otherwise we wouldn’t have even known sexual violence is a problem.”

Although Tulane has not officially stated who will be rewarded the now unassigned honorary degree, rumors suggest that the recipient will be the respectful, socially conscious, 2004 PETA “World’s Sexiest Vegetarian Celebrity” award winner… Andre 3000!

 

 

 

 

 

Tulane resources for reporting sexual assault can be found at http://www.titleix.tulane.edu/how-to-report/

TU Declares “Fall Break” Not Enough for Overworked Students, 2018 to Include “Maycation” “Febrecess” and “Spring Break II: I Left My Splashcard in Punta Cana”

Tuesday, October 17th, 2017

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Tulane students have returned from their fall breaks, where they skied in aspen, reunited with their doggos, and proved to their friends at Boston College that “no college rages like Tulane bro lol no one in this club could even get into the Boot!” Only two days removed from freedom, students and staff alike have again grown tired of the necessary Tulane drudgery known as “class.” To boost morale, administration has decided to add three more vacation periods into the academic calendar next semester: “Maycation,” “Febrecess” and “Spring Break Part II: I left my Splashcard in Punta Cana.”  So hit up the Cabo grext and get ready for three extra “toes in the water, ass in the sand” insta captions, just don’t leave the splard behind!

Was President Fitts in Sharp During Tropical Storm Nate?

Thursday, October 12th, 2017

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Tulane President Michael Fitts’s location during Tropical Storm Nate has been called into question after reports from a number of different sources have asserted that he was not at home with his family but rather spending his time in Sharp Hall.

“We were told to keep an eye out for him, yeah,” said Allied Officer Scott Brown, a known guru of Sharp security matters. “Administration was freaking out. They asked us fifteen times over the phone if we were prepared to open the door for him in case of rain. ‘He hates closing his umbrella outside,’ they kept saying, ‘please make sure he doesn’t get wet, he gets uncomfortable when he’s damp.’ I don’t really know what ended up happening, I split to City Diner when Modern Family came on at 9.”

The thought-provoking question is not whether Fitts did or did not stay overnight in Sharp during Nate, but rather why he would have gone in the first place. Public Health upperclassmen were quick to note that due to the suspicious absence of recent disease outbreaks in the building, it was entirely possible that Fitts was heading to Sharp to drop off a Stall Street Journal issue celebrating the dorm’s first week free of new herpes cases (Congrats!). Others have suggested that he may have been participating in the Facebook event “Hold Back Hurricane Nate with Your Bare, Pruny Hands.”

Fitts has worked tirelessly these past few months to change the drinking culture on Tulane’s campus, sending two emails about the matter. Perhaps he was planning to go to Sharp to get an inside look at where and why Tulanians drink in their own habitat. The view from the ivory Gibson tower is known for its distortions of civic and private life at Tulane. Recent incidents of arson, property damage, and general havoc in the building have caused concern among faculty and students alike. Alex Klezmer, a film major and a Sharp 3 occupant, agreed. “Pretty sure he was gonna Undercover Boss us.”

One Sharp Hall RA on an undisclosed floor revealed that yes, his team had prepared a room for him, and adhered as closely as possible to his request to make it look “y’know, natural.” They hung up a Pulp Fiction poster.

Whatever his motives, uncertainty about whether or not Fitts spent the night in Sharp remains. Conspiracy theorists note that the suspicious fire alarm set off at 8 PM would have let him enter the building discreetly with the other students. Maybe the question is not “did Fitts hide in Sharp,” but rather, “is Fitts still in Sharp?”

Boo! Pregnancy Scare Is The First Spook of October!

Wednesday, October 4th, 2017

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October has arrived, and that means candy, costumes, and accidental conception. Freshman Cassidy Peters loves a good spook, and she managed to conquer the scariest of them all—an unwanted pregnancy scare! Spooky! “It started out fun, I brought my BFF Sabrina to Walmart for pregnancy test trick or treat,” Peters told The Vignette. Reportedly, Peters was seen parading through Walmart’s aisles, filling her trick-or-treat bag with scary goodies like Hershey’s Kisses, Mars Bars, and Clear Blue First Response.

Back at Tulane, Peters had to face the haunted house that is the Sharp 3 bathroom. “The cockroaches crawling around, the creepy broken mirror, the ghoulish screeching coming from the pregame next door—I felt like I was in the middle of SAW,” the maybe-mommy described. Finally, Peters overcame scariest part of them all—the result. “When that tiny check or minus won’t show up fast enough, it really gets your heart pumping. What an adrenaline rush!” Peters says her pregnancy scare was a fright to be remembered. “I can’t wait until Halloween now! I’m going to be a cat!”