Archive for September, 2017

Forty Other Forties: Why Tulane Doesn’t Miss Thirty-Nine but Would Totally Hook-Up If It Drunk Texted Her

Thursday, September 21st, 2017

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Recently Tulane rose in the ranks of colleges, increasing in the US News ranks from thirty-nine to forty, or in Fitz’s words, from “a kind-of-okay number” to “my lucky number according to a Buzzfeed quiz”. We fought off Princeton and Harvard, those two poor sops having to settle for one and two, and now we can relish our admittance into the Flirty, Fun, and Forty Club. Listed below are other esteemed club members who have ranked fortieth or embodying forty-ment.

  • The fortieth best ice cream flavor is Banana Mint, a frozen classic for people who have no taste buds
  • Watching Paint Dry on Refurbished Uptown Houses ranked fortieth in “Best Tides Classes” and number one in “Reasons You Should Go to Orientation”
  • The pudding waggler was named the fortieth best sex position

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  • 40 is the highest number ever counted to on Sesame street
  • The fortieth best player on the Baby Cakes, John Bowinkle, kind of went on the field once.
  • South Dakota was the 40th state to become a state (But ranked fourth in states New Yorker’s forget exist)
  • Quarantined ships during the Bubonic plague had to be isolated in the harbor for forty days. Why? Because nothing cures deadly illnesses like an awesome number
  • There are forty spaces on a Monopoly board

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  • Shakira is 40 years old. Forever.
  • On average pregnancies last forty weeks
  • Big foot was spotted on the fortieth day of the month of May last year
  • Brent, the hotter roommate, has had forty hook-ups over his college career
  • Paul, the other roommate, has been turned down forty times when interrupting to ask if “they need anyone, I mean anything”
  • The phrase “Yeah we are not really a sport’s school” was uttered forty times by Tulane students two minutes into this year’s first tail gate
  • The 1940’s possessed the invention of the microwave, slinky and the atomic bomb
  • “My Achey Heart Breaky” by the KissFace Boys ranked fortieth on the “Top Forty” charts in 2006
  • “Paul’s: Some Okay Food” ranked the fortieth best restaurant in Metairie
  • Gerald and Melg were this year’s fortieth most popular baby names
  • Edgy Teen Killer People ranked fortieth for hottest new ABC Family shows
  • Sardine crumbles ranked fortieth for best pizza toppings

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  • Ronald Reagan was the fortieth president
  • Boss Baby ranked fortieth for best movies this year
  • Rachel Ray’s Forty Dollars a Day inspired a generation to hate Rachel Ray
  • Most women never turn forty but rather stay thirty-nine until their kids figure it out and tell everyone anyway, “Mom has been thirty-nine for six years now”
  • Forty divided by four is the number of items that got skipped on this list
  • 40 steps from Bruff was where the infamous “Debbie puked on a cop” incident occurred
  • The LA Blue-Ballers ranked fortieth in their recreational baseball league last year
  • An Insidious Moth Ball Penetrates the World is ranked fortieth on the 2015 Bestseller list
  • Moony Holloway was in her fortieth porno this year. She will be in a project this year with porn newcomer Not Ted Cruz
  • Tom Goldstein was the fortieth person to be picked up by TEMS this year. He had swallowed a foam finger while barred out.

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  • Forty voicemails have been left by Tulane to thirty-nine, asking if it is happy with that bitch Boston University

Breaking: Fitts Drunkenly Texts Student Body Telling Them to Drink Less

Wednesday, September 20th, 2017

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Students across Tulane’s campus woke up this morning to some strange late-night text messages from President “Mike” Fitts, requesting that they drink less alcohol. In his drunken stupor Fitts must have forgotten he was no longer in the land of the Quakers, but now President of a school that literally has its own official beer.

iPhone X Features Preloaded Angry Taylor Swift Voicemails

Tuesday, September 19th, 2017


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If you’re a music fan, this week just got awesome.

Apple’s highly anticipated unveiling of their new iPhone X included a special treat for all new owners of the gadget. All iPhone Xs will come with a personalized, spiteful, and deeply insulting hate voicemail from none other than the current Queen of Pop, Taylor Swift.

“Apple is proud to announce our partnership with one of the great musicians of her generation, Taylor Swift, in our newest attempt at cutting edge user-oriented content. Every new phone comes with a hateful voicemail from Ms. Swift that directly addresses and verbally undresses each individual iPhone X user!” Apple CEO Tim Cook announced at Monday’s unveiling, swathed in thick violet robes with a genetically engineered python draped across his shoulders. “I’m really excited about this one. Steve may have invented the iPhone, but Tim Cook gave you angry voicemails from Taylor Swift. That’s real innovation.”

New iPhone X owner Chad Whitehaven talked to the Vignette about the quirky new feature earlier this week.
“Yeah, it’s really aggressive and also really personal. She told me I’d messed with her for the last time, and that I’d never live up to my own expectations, especially not with my stupid job and ugly fiance. I think she was pretty plastered when she recorded it. Honestly, it’s a pretty legitimate message. I feel like I’ve wronged not only her, but, in the process, myself.

In addition to hateful TSwizzle voicemails, every new iPhone X user will also get a free U2 album to never listen to.

Ted Cruz Porn Scandal Diverts Attention from Mike Pence’s Browser History Full of His Brother’s Wedding Photos

Friday, September 15th, 2017

U.S. Representative Mike Pence (R-IN) looks at his notes before a news conference about the goal of permanently extending Bush-era tax rates at the U.S. Capitol in Washington December 2, 2010. Pence told reporters on Thursday his view on stripping the Federal Reserve of its mandate to ensure full employment remains unchanged after a meeting with a top Fed official. REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst (UNITED STATES - Tags: POLITICS BUSINESS)

SEPTEMBER 12, 2017 – Vignette White House correspondent Tabby Macintosh reported recently that in the wake of hysteria surrounding Ted Cruz’s porn tweet, Mike Pence has been able to enjoy browsing his brother’s wedding album on Facebook without worry of being discovered.

The Vice President has been sinfully browsing the nuptial photographs without his wife’s knowledge. Were anyone to find out, he could kiss his career goodbye, but without the press breathing down his neck, he can—for once—rest safe feeling happy that his brother found such a handsome and photogenic woman to marry.

Secret Serviceman Todd Teller questioned the Veep after he would repeatedly sneak off to the bathroom with his brother’s wedding album open on his phone. Pence is believed to have defended himself by explaining: “her tasteful gown contrasts beautifully against the lush foliage and lakefront spreading behind her. And boy does she have some good birthing hips.”

At press time, a knock on Pence’s bedroom door scared the living daylight out of him, causing the vice president to knock over his bowl of Werther’s Originals and close the browser page immediately.

21 Cool Phrases for Freshmen in the Class of 2021!

Friday, September 8th, 2017

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  • Boot last night? Boot last night!
  • I live in JL
  • Wanna get margs at Felipe’s and then bleach our assholes after?
  • What sorority do you want to be in? I can’t even tell them apart, since I got blinded by the eclipse.
  • Can you add me to your GroupMe for fakes? I’ve been getting wasted off of the Kombucha at Le Gourmet.

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  • Don’t be afraid to catch feels!
  • I have a tattoo of a dick on my ankle what’s your LinkedIn?
  • My sister is a senior here and she banged a guy who knows the guy who was featured on Jordan Belfort so I’m pretty sure I’m going AEPi
  • Do you miss your dog? I miss my dog
  • My dad’s Bruce Willis so I’m pretty sure I won’t have trouble getting a single in Wall
  • Every night before bed we all have to kiss the picture of our RA on the bulletin board. If we don’t he poops in front of our door at night.

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  • Who the fuck is Gary Johnson?
  • Michael Fitts is our dad.
  • Have you ever been on the roof of Warren House at Tulane University home of the LBC?
  • My room. 8:30. No socks.You guys wanna go do drugs in Aron?

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  • Hey amigo you wanna see my fidget spinner?
  • Did I ever tell you about the time my mom fucked Ben Stiller?
  • Let’s have sex in Yulman Stadium
  • Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.

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  • My TIDES service learning was to improve the food in Bruff hahaha wait hold still while I snort this line off your sack
  • Yeah I’m undeclared B-School but I think I wanna do like the next facebook