Finals season is just around the corner, and with it comes everybody’s favorite exercise in communal suffering – you guessed it, group projects! The scent of late nights and last-minute 2 letter grade drops is wafting through the air. The worst part of it is that none of this is your fault! Here are the enemies you’ll meet along the way:
- Delta Iota Xanax and her acid tripping boyfriend
You aren’t sure how the professor let them be in a group together, but he did, and it’s majorly cramping your style. How are you supposed to execute your lovingly made Prezzy to perfection when Andrea Adderall hasn’t slept in four days and LSD Larry has spent the last twenty minutes in the corner staring at his foot?
- That freshman who makes up more work
Let’s face it – you didn’t read the directions until this very moment and you just trusted that the over-eager freshman knew what you were supposed to be doing. But now that you’ve dug your syllabus out from underneath your trashcan full of novelty Mardi Gras beads you realize that there was no need to make that life-size diorama of Karl Marx’s laundry room, and that you probably won’t get any extra points by performing a full-length rock opera about the struggles of the Proletariat.
- That guy who won’t stop posting in the group chat four months later
It’s summer and you’ve forgotten everything there is to forget about Sociology 3050 when suddenly the facebook group chat from your project on divorce rates in Finland lights up. “Guys there’s a dead possum on my driveway what should I do with it? Does anyone want it?” He makes sure to add thirteen pictures of the dead possum from various angles for maximum effect.
- The football player who’s really into music
…or at least, that’s what you thought at first, but at the last meeting you noticed his earbuds aren’t plugged into anything and he’s just been ignoring you this whole time!
- The girl who can never find the group
You know the one. The whole group is waiting in the library and she’s wandering the halls of Tilton Memorial looking for you. “Wait so are you in Pocket Park?” Nobody wants to respond, though – she’s got an Android and she’s making the group chat green. Honestly, the definition of self-centered and inconsiderate!
- The minor Tulane celebrity
Maybe they ran for USG president and lost. Maybe they post in your graduating class’ facebook group twelve times a day. Or maybe they just punched Riptide the pelican right in the beak. Either way, you know who they are and they’ve never heard of you and you can tell people about that time you did a group project analyzing the black cat in Manet’s Olympia at parties for at least two years.
- Skittles the service dog
He must have an owner but you don’t really care. You won’t get any work done but you’ll have a really cute snap story this whole week.