Archive for April, 2017

The 7 People You’ll Meet Doing a Group Project

Friday, April 21st, 2017

Finals season is just around the corner, and with it comes everybody’s favorite exercise in communal suffering – you guessed it, group projects! The scent of late nights and last-minute 2 letter grade drops is wafting through the air. The worst part of it is that none of this is your fault! Here are the enemies you’ll meet along the way:

  1. Delta Iota Xanax and her acid tripping boyfriend

You aren’t sure how the professor let them be in a group together, but he did, and it’s majorly cramping your style. How are you supposed to execute your lovingly made Prezzy to perfection when Andrea Adderall hasn’t slept in four days and LSD Larry has spent the last twenty minutes in the corner staring at his foot?

  1. That freshman who makes up more work

Let’s face it – you didn’t read the directions until this very moment and you just trusted that the over-eager freshman knew what you were supposed to be doing. But now that you’ve dug your syllabus out from underneath your trashcan full of novelty Mardi Gras beads you realize that there was no need to make that life-size diorama of Karl Marx’s laundry room, and that you probably won’t get any extra points by performing a full-length rock opera about the struggles of the Proletariat.

  1. That guy who won’t stop posting in the group chat four months later

It’s summer and you’ve forgotten everything there is to forget about Sociology 3050 when suddenly the facebook group chat from your project on divorce rates in Finland lights up. “Guys there’s a dead possum on my driveway what should I do with it? Does anyone want it?” He makes sure to add thirteen pictures of the dead possum from various angles for maximum effect.

  1. The football player who’s really into music

…or at least, that’s what you thought at first, but at the last meeting you noticed his earbuds aren’t plugged into anything and he’s just been ignoring you this whole time!

  1. The girl who can never find the group

You know the one. The whole group is waiting in the library and she’s wandering the halls of Tilton Memorial looking for you. “Wait so are you in Pocket Park?” Nobody wants to respond, though – she’s got an Android and she’s making the group chat green. Honestly, the definition of self-centered and inconsiderate!

  1. The minor Tulane celebrity

Maybe they ran for USG president and lost. Maybe they post in your graduating class’ facebook group twelve times a day. Or maybe they just punched Riptide the pelican right in the beak. Either way, you know who they are and they’ve never heard of you and you can tell people about that time you did a group project analyzing the black cat in Manet’s Olympia at parties for at least two years.

  1. Skittles the service dog

He must have an owner but you don’t really care. You won’t get any work done but you’ll have a really cute snap story this whole week.

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The Scars to Your Beautiful: An Open Letter to the Caterpillar That Stung Me When I Stepped On it But Lived to Fight Another Day

Wednesday, April 19th, 2017

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You don’t know me. You never will. And yet, as your tiny gross body wriggled underneath my foot, I came to realize that we all are just passengers on the same train. The train of life. You may be just a fuzzy worm, and I may be just a communications major with a fourth grader’s ability to use a computer young journalist,  yet the day we met remains etched in my mind like an etched message in an etch-a-sketch. Your bravery was palpable, and although the pain I felt following your sting could only really be described in seven “Parks and Recs” GIFS (www.theodyssey.com/being-stung-by-a-caterpillar-as-told-by-parks-and-recs) I am thankful for it.

That’s right. I’m Thankful for My Caterpillar Sting, and That’s Okay. The day we crossed paths was a regular Thursday. I had decided to have a “Me day”  like everyday, and walked to the park to look at “Animal Farm” on a bench. I slipped off my Birks, buried my toes in the grass like a hobo, and was suddenly shocked by a shock. What followed that surprising sting was several stages of pain (Namely fifteen of them, as best described by Lorelai Gilmore) and I immediately searched the ground for the culprit. I found you. There you were, my precious poisonous pal (this literary tactic is called alliteration). I watched you struggle, then crawl away, your creepy body slowly slinking away. At that moment, I felt something different. (From before, not in general): Pride. You fought that day, caterpillar. And that’s more than a lot of us can say for ourselves. But it is all that I can say now that I have completed this two hundred word limit.

 

 

President Fitts Completely Ready To Be Easter Bunny Should Anyone Ask Him

Friday, April 14th, 2017

 

This weekend, the 15th president of Tulane University is hoping to hop into a new role: Easter Bunny. In the Good Friday View from Gibson, Fitts said he is, “Completely prepared to be the Easter bunny at any gatherings or events being held this weekend, or whenever really,” should those needs arise in the Tulane community or beyond.

According to his assistant, Kelly R. Rabbith, this is actually progress for the weepy leader. “Year after year he was told that he ‘didn’t have the charm’ to play Santa, so it’s good that he’s finally lowering the bar a little,” said Rabbith while lint rolling her entire body to remove the Easter grass littering Gibson from her person. “While many Tulane students spent the end of this week zipping their suitcases for flights home, Fitts was busy zipping himself into the bunny suit sewn for him by his mother when he was but a student himself.”

Fitts’ mother has since passed, but the Vignette was able to reach his cool older brother, Nichael Fitts. “He’s such a dweeb. There’s no way he can pull this off! Have you seen him try to hop? He just does t-rex hands while scrunching his body and then standing up straight. He rarely leaves the ground- maximum a quarter-inch of air. And no, I don’t go by Nike for short.”  

At press time, there were no leads on any opportunity for Fitts to act as the symbol of springtime renewal and hand out small chocolates to children, but he remained hopeful. “I just want to be part of the fun,” Fitts sniffled. “If someone needs a bunny to stir the pot for hours on end at a crawfish boil or sort through eggs because they forgot which ones are raw, I can do that. My mom always said, ‘There’s nothing that this wittle wabbit can’t do.’”  

Tulane president Mike Fitts is currently accepting any and all offers to play this Sunday’s token role and help New Orleans’ spring dreams come true. With a little added material and a boost of confidence from Tulane’s administrative staff, the president is ready to roll.  Easter egg roll, that is!* In the meantime, he has been patiently weeping in his office, making the headpiece of the costume very, very damp.

 

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Interested community members are being asked to contact Fitts or his staff members via email, phone call, or “really any other way you can think of” if they’d like to hire the president as a bunny. They’d like to remind any interested parties that the president is really just absolutely ready to do this for you, and he wants to make that very clear. All you have to do is ask.  Really. No charge.  Please. He says he won’t take the suit off till someone hires him. He’s starting to cry again.  Please.

*The author would like to clarify that this is simply a figure of speech.  The idea of Mike Fitts’ involvement in any organized Easter Egg Roll, specifically the famed event at the White House, is certainly a ridiculous reach.  Sorry for any confusion. Happy Easter to you all!

T-Pain Confused by Lizards

Friday, April 7th, 2017

This Thursday, April 6, TUCP sponsored a concert by an artist who has never voiced a cartoon. T-Pain’s much anticipated performance filled the student body with nostalgia for the seventh grade, minus the puberty. The Vignette was lucky enough to chat with the chart-topping musician upon his arrival to campus despite being asked to “please come back at a later time” and “how did you even get in here?”

Mr. Pain expressed an overwhelmingly positive impression of the institution, but was immediately confused by a notable presence on campus.

“What’s up with all these fucking limbed snakes?” he asked sternly, politely refusing the Shakshuka provided by TUCP. “I’m serious,” he continued, “Those tiny wiggling-ass dinos, what is going on with those?”

The creator of Booty Wurk was visibly alarmed, and remained agitated despite the earnest efforts of TUCP members to console him with free cups and Crawfest 2013 swag.

The Nevada native’s preoccupation with “Those creepy earth birds,” followed him from the green room into his set, which he interrupted at several points, with such remarks as, “They’re like turtles, but without homes?!” and “Where do all these green skittery wigglers come from?”

Despite these interruptions, the concert has received generally positive reviews. For some, seeing this previously unknown side of the artist featured in the Lonely Island’s I’m On A Boat even enhanced the performance.

“It was almost humbling to think that as this wildly successful musician, clearly at the peak performance of his career, graced our presence with the sounds of “Bartender” he was surrounded by thousands of spooky little lizards,” reflected Rafael Squam, a T-Pain fanatic,  “Not all heroes wear capes. But my hero doesn’t know what a lizard is.”

 

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Intern Ship to Set Sail This Summer

Tuesday, April 4th, 2017

Earlier today, Capitalist Caribbean announced the official travel dates for its newest cruise ship, Synergy of the Sea, a vessel designed specifically for travellers who delight in the drudgery of menial labor without financial compensation. The ship is set to depart June 1st and will carry hundreds of eagerly unpaid worker bees on an aimless odyssey through the oceans and and job fairs of the world.

Spots on the ship are reportedly very competitive, as Jeffrey Santiago, a hopeful applicant, told Vignette reporters.

“This is my dream intern ship. I’ve been on my fair share of trainee dinghies and apprentice schooners, but the Synergy of the Sea is a miracle of nautical ingenuity. I hear its motor runs on coffee and its hull is reinforced with only the strongest cover letters.”

The ship is maintained entirely by the interns, and sources report that 2/3 of the crew are directly involved in the coffee retrieval field.  

“Yeah, the demand for coffee fetchers is booming right now,” said Layla Kaylin, a coffee specialist who served on board the Relevant Experience of the Sea last year. “My official title was Coffee Underling, but this year I’m hoping to work my way up to Coffee Schlepper.”

Activities on the Synergy of the Sea include a corporate ladder climbing wall, organizing the BINGO (short for binder cargo), and plain old just sitting around.

Anderson Zaloni, a devout worker who interned aboard Busywork of the Sea for 15 summers in a row, described other amenities.

“The rollercoaster is insane,” said an exuberant Zaloni. “It’s called the ‘Intern Experience’ and it’s such an exhilarating, educational ride. It even loops around and brings you right back to where you started.”

Though he has never set foot on an intern ship, Rick Ameroli, an industry insider, is a huge proponent of the ever-growing fleet.

“The system is ingenuous. We lure all these gullible saps out here with the promise of a better resume, but out here at sea, they’re at Poseidon’s mercy. The ships don’t have life jackets because in real the world, when you’re drowning in responsibilities, flail around all you want, but you won’t find any damn floaties. Only thing on their side out there is human reef sources, and that’s not even real, it’s just a thing I made up.”

Executives at Capitalist Caribbean have high hopes for the voyage, despite a sketchy track record. The last intern ship, We Regret to Inform You of the Sea, famous for its transparent hull, infamously capsized years ago when some overly ambitious fish smashed through the glass ceiling. None of the lifeboats were deployed and all lives were tragically lost, as none of the onboard interns wanted to make a bad impression by leaving first.  

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