Archive for March, 2017

8 Spring Break Options for When Daddy’s on a Budget

Tuesday, March 21st, 2017

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Oh no! Spring break is fast approaching, but your third house in Tuscany fell into a sinkhole last month so money’s been tight recently. Never fear! There are plenty of great places to visit even when you have to watch your spending.

  1. Your fourth house in the Swiss Alps. Your snowy instas are sure to stand out!
  2. Did you know there are public Greek islands? Instead of owning or renting the entire land mass, you just buy or rent a mansion. Not as spacious, but just as gorgeous!
  3. Mars is obviously the next big thing, but help daddy out by taking a trip to the moon instead. It’s quaint!
  4. Try a stay-cation and hire an up-and-coming private chef to prepare all your meals. We suggest a runner-up from The Food Network’s hit series Chopped. Gordon Ramsay comes at a steep price, that British bastard.
  5. Instead of renting a whole Virgin Island, try staying on just the tip. It still counts!
  6. Vacation in Bordeaux, the second best city in France
  7. Vacation in Nice, the third best city in France
  8. To save some money on a family vacation, only take one private plane. Time will fly by as you show daddy all of the improvements you’ve made since you got it, like the crystal detailing on the curtains and jacuzzi in the bathroom. He’ll be so happy to see his money well spent.

 

Incessant Flirting in Class Neither Disruptive Nor Disgusting

Tuesday, March 14th, 2017

Life is anything but still in Woldenberg as a pair of passionate art students are making marks on and off the drawing pad in ARST-1050 Beginning Drawing I.

“The first few classes, I was mostly concerned for her health. I’ve never seen someone throw their head back giggling that many times in a minute. Sometimes she just looks like one of those wacky wavy inflatable flailing arm tube men. But lately, I’m more concerned for the rest of us,” reported Junior Rebecca Stevens, who is just trying to fulfill her fine art requirement.

“I’ve had the misfortune of sitting between them for the entire 3-hour class several times,” said freshman Lucas Jones. “I didn’t know he was that funny but she fell over laughing today so I guess she understands comedy. I ended up with a slight concussion, but she was fine.”

“When we were supposed to be drawing trees she drew him naked instead,” added a visibly nauseated sophomore Brian Fitzpatrick.

In a stunning feat of investigative reporting, a Vignette contributor was able to infiltrate the class for a full three and a half minutes. During that time, the contributor witnessed the male subject licking the female subject’s ear, while the female subject spent forty-five seconds humping the male subject’s leg.

“Yeah, I notice it,” said the professor, Lawrence Jeremiah Williamson, when approached. “It’s kind of hard not to.” Has he ever tried to put a stop to it? “I moved them to opposite sides of the room but they just started doing mating calls and strip teases on top of the desks to get each other’s attention. It was starting to get distracting for the other students.”

Next week the class will be drawing still lifes of bowls of fruit. What will the flirters do with this activity?

“I don’t know, but keep them away from the bananas,” said Stevens.

 

Rose

11 Ways to Stop Slipping Into Your Uber Driver’s Accent

Friday, March 10th, 2017

It’s 9:13 on a Friday night. You’re leaving a happy hour where you consumed a 1:1 ratio of nachos and margs and it’s time to roll out to your next destination. Just when your friend Becky is about to launch into a diatribe about her ex-thing Fred, your Uber rolls up, a beacon in the night. You tumble into the back seat and Sergei offers you a water, and a mystery: Where is that accent from? How can you show Sergei, your knight in 5-star armor, your sweet, gentle driver, how much he means to you? You haven’t even made it through the first red light when it happens: you start to ask sweet Sergei how long he’s been driving for Uber in a butchered imitation of his own accent. You fucked up.

 

Rewind. Before you let your fuck up of a self ruin one more intrapersonal relationship, albeit with an Uber driver you will never see again, try one of these helpful tips to stop yourself from slipping into your Uber driver’s accent.

 

  1. Shove five of those tiny water bottles straight into your pie-hole.
  2. Overcompensate by talking about how Benjamin Franklin invented the bifocals.
  3. Take the time to perform as much of Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven” as you remember from when you had to recite it in front of your English class in 10th grade.
  4. Politely avoid conversation entirely by asking them to “Keep to your fucking self, please, Andrei.”
  5. Answer his question, “Any big plans for the weekend?” by rolling your window down, sticking your head out, and panting like your neighbor’s dog Annie.
  6. Answer his question, “Any big plans for the weekend?” by rolling your window down, sticking your head out, and saying “ Can’t you just feel the life running through you?”
  7. Play your voicemails out loud.
  8. Just start yelling, “LOVE TRUMPS HATE!”
  9. Ask for the aux and play the audiobook of The Blind Side by John Lee Hancock.
  10. Stick your phone in your mouth.
  11. Ask them, “So, do you like the flexibility of the hours?” and they’ll monologue for a while.Screen Shot 2017-03-10 at 11.26.18 AM

Mardi Gras Rando Still Trailing Two Feet Behind Group

Tuesday, March 7th, 2017

Mardi Gras has officially been over for a full week, but it has left many Tulane students with a lot of unanswered questions and questionable answers. The most peculiar of them all was brought to The Vignette by junior Kenny Davis, who reported that he and his friends are still being followed by a Mardi Gras Rando.

 

Kenny first encountered The Rando at Muses. Nearly 20 floats had passed before the group realized that they had all assumed he belonged to someone else, when, in fact, no one knew him. “He was wearing this green Mardi Gras shirt that I thought I saw one of Matt’s friends wearing, so I figured it was that guy,” said Kevin, still perplexed by the striking similarity between the festive shirts.

 

Despite persistently telling The Rando “Yeah, we’re gonna head back now,” and even going so far as to claim they were attending class the next day in an effort to ditch him, The Rando followed Kenny’s group back to campus at the conclusion of the parade. The Rando’s only responses were “I’m up for whatever” and “No yeah this is totally fine.”

 

“We still don’t know his name,” confessed Luke. “On Lundi Gras, I thought we might finally get rid of him. We were by the Rite Aid and he ran into someone he knew, but he just said hi and then kept following us. I think they called him Nate, but they also might have been saying mate because they sounded kind of Australian.”

 

In the past week, The Rando has made several appearances in Kenny’s Spanish class, catching his quizzes his professor throws back to him while shouting, “Throw me somethin’ Señora!” The Rando was later seen waiting for Kenny outside the bathroom in between classes, offering Purel from the fanny pack he was still wearing. He has also reportedly suggested to Kenny’s group that they all go to the nearest Rally’s or McDonald’s for every single meal every day since Muses.

 

When asked for comment about the week post-Mardi Gras, all The Rando could mutter was “What yeah no, this is totally fun. I’m good with anything.” The Rando plans to continue to be a leech that awkwardly sucks the fun out of Kenny’s friends’ weekend and is “totally down” to hit up Bethesda, MD with Kenny over spring break.

 

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