Monthly Archives: February 2017

Krewe du TU to Cover Uptown in Privilege, Regret


The “Las Vegas of time periods”, Mardi Gras is the favorite time of year for many Tulane students and NOLA residents alike. With social order turned on its head, you can do literally anything (except touch a horse) with no social or legal repercussion. Mardi Gras allows the upstanding and righteous leaders of Tulane University to loosen their ties, wipe away their tears and shimmy for some beads. This year, Tulane will host its very own Krewe Du TU parade to showcase the alcoholic debauchery we really stand for.

We asked Dean Mac”Daddy”Laren to explain the rich symbolism in Krewe Du TU. He described a “theme of ‘Tulane through the Decades’, the parade celebrates the school’s rich history of rich white men: from Paul Tulane (New Jersey’s most wanting-a-college-named-after-him man) to Jerry Springer, Newt Gingrich and the least relevant Bush brother (Neil!).”

Krewe Du TU’s headlining float features the uprooted Mardi Gras tree encapsulated in a bubble that no institutionalized racism, socioeconomic disparities, or Loyola students can penetrate. Atop the tree sits parade King Michael “Like Mike” Fitts who throws bananas, “Only at Krewe Du TU, Only in Uptown (because New Orleans is scary)” necklaces, and white privilege. 

Many students are eagerly awaiting the parade, already staking out spots on the route. Sophomore Jennifer Garbler will be enjoying Krewe Du TU, as she told the Vignette: “Catch me on Ben’s weiner, the parade is supposed to go there too!”


The parade route is as follows:

  • Start at Gibson
  • Through the A-quad
  • Along McAlister then cut through bruff quad
  • Up Ben Weiner
  • Onto Claiborne
  • Check out Audubon Blvd real quick
  • Up broadway
  • (Throw up on stairs of Newcomb because doors are locked)
  • Lose half of parade at the Boot
  • To Snake and Jake’s, black out
  • Get a little lost in Carrolton neighborhood
  • Find way to Quills, leave because it’s weird
  • Up to St Charles
  • Stop at rite aid (remember u can’t buy alc w/ splash–bring cash!)
  • End up at Gibson
  • Draw funny faces on unconscious Mike Fitts


Notable floats

  • Newcomb/Liberal Arts Float
    • Throws A’s
    • Pulled by philosophy majors in need of work
    • Somehow flooding
  • Dining Services Float
    • Throws: scalding, loose red beans and rice, City Diner pancakes, Panera chai tea lattes
  • Walking Krewes
    • Mcalister skaters
    • Tour group that got lost
  • Art of Tulane Float
    • Moving replica of Ball statue balls colliding – represents the collision of art & practicality
    • Throws: Newcomb pottery 
  • Business School Float
    • Throws: vomit stained resumes, sticks to shove up asses
    • Stops on every block, gives elevator pitches to people on street

Sorority Woman Overjoyed to Get Big, Satan

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Prince of Darkness. Beelzebub. The Black Spy.  Old Splitfoot.  Countless titles, one evil being.  But today, after a week of anticipation, Satan takes on a new role: sorority big. Tulane’s chapter of Delta Iota Kappa (DIK) spent this afternoon on the steps of Gibson for their annual big little reveal, an event many sisters remember fondly as “the day I realized what joy felt like.”  This year’s reveal was particularly special for one new member, Mary Matthews, who was welcomed into what her sisters lovingly call “The Eternal Damnation Fam.”

“We had all found our littles and then we realized that Mary was still waiting to find her fam,” explained DIK sister Kim Adams. “All of a sudden, the construction pit behind Gibson started gurgling and we noticed a steaming trail of blood and glitter leading to its opening. She followed the blood and climbed into the pit, and we knew she was home.  She and Satan came out a few minutes later and took some really great PR photos with the rest of us.”

DIK members young and old are incredibly happy for what is undoubtedly this year’s hottest big/little pair. According to Emily Parker, a DIK junior, “They’re perfect for each other! I met Mary on the first day of recruitment, and I could tell right away that she’s the kind of girl who can hold her own during a ritualistic goat sacrifice but also really knows how to have fun.”  

Chapter president Jillian Powers is calling the pairing “a match made in Hell.”  Even God was willing to show His support, stating calmly “I didn’t want to say it, but someone has to.  These girls are adorable.”

As far as Mary is concerned, life has never been better. She took a few minutes to reflect on her experience today, saying “My heart has never felt darker.  The second I stepped into that fiery pit, I knew I was where I belonged. It was pretty standard big/little bonding stuff while we were down there, but Satan really made me feel special.  We took an ancient blood oath and like, so many selfies, and I met my grandbig! Her name’s Kate. She seems cool.”


Brokenhearted Class Hopes Philandering Student Will Remember the Good Times


Reports out of Jones Hall confirm that Brian Melrose, a smooth-talking, renegade junior, has officially ended things with Diversity of Life Section 02, unexpectedly dropping the forlorn class without warning. However, the inconsolable, devastated class, who had grown extremely close to Brian during their three weeks together, claims to only want the best for the wayward heartbreaker.

“I remember the first time I saw Brian,” said a teary-eyed Diversity of Life Section 02. “It was 8 in the morning and damn his slight slouch and bleary eyes were dazzling. The first thing he did was stumble into one of my chairs, and I know it sounds cliché, but it was love at first sit, for me at least.”

The two reportedly enjoyed an intensely intimate encounter on the day of their first meeting, when Melrose passionately yawned into his syllabus. Soon after the lovebirds haphazardly sealed the deal, with Melrose confirming his registration after stalking Diversity of Life Section 02’s online Quizlet and the two agreeing to continue seeing each other strictly on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays at 8 am. The pair experienced a handful of rowdy nights, purportedly meeting up every Thursday night from 6:30 – 9:15 pm for late night mischief and amphibian dissections.

Diversity of Life Section 02 recalled how the relationship soured, stating that Melrose began mumbling obscenities under his breath whenever Diversity of Life Section 02 tried to make plans outside of the classroom.


“We had some good times. We really did. He used to do this cute thing where he would sleep whenever we were together. I just hope as he moves forward and sees other classes, he won’t forget the cherished memories we shared,” sighed Diversity of Life Section 02 wistfully.


“DoL Section 02? Yeah, we used to hang,” stated a smirking Melrose as he browsed other potential classes online. “I’d come by, we’d kick back, watch some Internet TV and fool around until I fell asleep. You won’t hear this from the class, but things were doomed from the start. I was getting woken up way too early, it was a hell of a time commitment, and frankly I’m just trying to satisfy my lab with science requirement.“