Archive for January, 2017

Tulane Slow to Recover After Catastrophic Loss

Friday, January 27th, 2017

On January 14th, 2017, esteemed Tulane celebrity, Cow Cat, was found dead, signaling a difficult start to the semester. Two weeks later, the very fabric of the Tulane Community continues to be torn apart by grief and uncertainty in the wake of Cow Cat’s passing.

“I always saw Cow Cat running into bushes while I ran to my 8 AM in Richardson,” Kennedy Quist, a grieving student, said. “And now I all I have to say hi to are the ugly cat toys that bitch Harley Dale left at his memorial. As if her 3 Cow Cat instas weren’t already extra enough.

In addition to social strains, Cow Cat’s passing has caused an utter upheaval in the A-quad political atmosphere. During the past few years, Cow Cat’s reign ensured relative stability, but that could be changing, according to renowned Tulane political ecologist Gilbert Green. “The absence of Cow Cat has resulted in a power vacuum. He was what we experts call a VIP- Very Important Pussy,” Green told the Vignette on Tuesday. “Many cats who felt like they were oppressed under the Cow Cat regime feel that they have been liberated by this event.”

A neighborhood purrtrol has already been established by A-quad cats seeking to retain control over their territory in response to recent incursions by cats from other parts of campus and even Loyola. A source, who has chosen to remain anonymous due to concerns for their own safety, told the Vignette that popular Weatherhead Hall kitty-in-residence Boots may be eyeing a bid for the vacated leadership position.

Meanwhile, President Fitts has been frantically attempting to fill the void left by Cow Cat.

“It’s kind of sad,” junior Brad Evans told the Vignette, walking past Norman Mayer on his way to an Irish-Bulgarian Aerial Tapdancing class in Audubon Park. “He just sits on that bench and tries to get people to pet him. Sometimes he meows, which gets kind of weird.”

In the days since the tragedy, President Fitts has tried everything to assuage the student body’s aching hearts, from setting loose a Cat Cow – a bizarre looking cow with a feline tail, ears, and whiskers – to dressing up as a cat himself.

“I appreciate the effort, but I kind of just want to get to class without being mooed at,” said freshman Sally Henkins.

In addition to temporal chaos, Cow Cat’s passing has spurred deeper questions about the cat afterlife. Esmerelda Polakoff, an expert in animal divination, provided us with some answers. “The idea that most animals go to ‘a farm upstate’ is incredibly misleading,” Esmerelda told the Vignette while polishing her crystal balls. “It’s much more likely that he will end up in purrgatory for some time before reaching his final destination.”

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Students Pop Tulane Bubble, Activism Cherry At Women’s March

Tuesday, January 24th, 2017

Saturday, January 21, 2017 was a historic day for people around the globe, as cities on every continent allied themselves with the Women’s March on Washington. Students left uptown, despite not being offered service learning credit or alcohol. Many Tulanianswere involved in the marches, even those new to activism and who had never heard of “a parade without the floats”. As many of their peers joined in the movement, Tulane students were quick to comment with their own thoughts on what many are calling “kind of a party, but too much exercise!”

 

Ana Schneider, Esteemed Journalist, The Odyssey

 

“Honestly, I do not understand what happened on Saturday or why these people are so upset. I haven’t looked into it or anything, but I don’t think feminism is for me. Like, sorry you don’t have a boyfriend, but we’ve had the right to vote for, like, twenty years now.  Get over yourselves.”

 

Emily Albertson, Menstrual Cramp Counselor, The WELL

 

“Oh my God, it was amazing. I went, and never have I had so many tampons at my disposal. Aunt Flow made a surprise visit and I was freaking out, but I mentioned a period cramp and they just started falling from the sky!  One woman pulled an entire box of pads out from under her shirt and gave them to me. No pink tax! I felt like I had died and gone to heaven.  I’m starting a campaign for monthly marches!”

 

Jake (“O-Dawg”) Owens, Currently Pledging Theta Omega Alpha Delta Tau Fraternity

 

“My new brothers made me chase the Tulane bus all the way to DC as a joke, but the JOKE’S ON THEM because I actually learned a lot. I used to look at chicks and just be like ‘I’d do her,’ you know?  But now I look at them and I’m kind of like ‘I’d do her, but I also kind of want to know what she thinks about stuff.’ I don’t know – it’s weird. I can’t wait to tell my brothers. This is gonna blow their minds.”

 

Stacey Clearwater, Campus Social Media Celebrity

 

“The Women’s March?!  SEAUX SWEET.  I was absolutely honored to take part in such a huge movement and show my support to all of my followers on Instagram to see.  This was a march that will be a highlight of recent history and my Facebook timeline. It’s so rewarding to think that one day, my grandkids could be looking at my posts in like, a book!”

 

In the wake of the march, 97% of students now consider themselves activists, 76% plan on incorporating signs about what they want into their daily lives, and  82% are patiently awaiting an award for their paricipation. For those not able or too lazy to attend the march, the Tulane Bookstore is now offering a Women’s March package, including TU Pink Pussy hats, “Roll Women” t-shirts and “Cow Cat Was a Feminist” wall decor, something they’re confident will appeal “not only to those who identify as feminist, but also to the weird subsect of this university that claims one of our campus cats was their ‘#firstfriend’”.  

 

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Trump Attributes Restful Nights to Plenty of White Noise

Thursday, January 19th, 2017

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