Archive for November, 2016

Overbooked CAPS Redirects Overflow Appointments to Oz

Wednesday, November 30th, 2016

Unable to take any new appointments for the rest of the semester, CAPS has begun redirecting students seeking counseling to Bruff worker Oz. The charismatic grill master has opened up a temporary psychology booth in the back corner of Bruff Commons typically occupied by loners and a few lazy cockroaches.

“I really consider myself a psychologist because I’ve never made a burger without apologizing to the onions,” Oz said to the Vignette’s resident Food and Mental Health Awareness Correspondent. “I genuinely feel that I can bring bring peace of mind and overall contentedness to disillusioned and unhappy students of Tulane with my upbeat attitude, great listening skills, and my iguana sidekick, Dr. Giggles.”

At press time, all of Oz’s appointments consisted entirely of a fist bump and the statement, “Bump it, pal.” Students have unanimously agreed that this treatment has been more effective than anything CAPS has offered thus far.

 

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12 Ways Thanksgiving is Exactly Like “The Magic Tree House” Series by Mary Pope Osborne

Tuesday, November 22nd, 2016

1.  When the gravy ladle slips slowly into the gravy boat, never to be seen again…

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2. When everyone’s going around the table saying what they’re thankful for and then your Uncle Leo decides to give a five-minute speech instead of just saying some bullshit like, “Family,” or “This meal,” like a decent human being

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3. When your cousin Dan, who is the family favorite because he joined the Peace Corps after graduating from Cornell, lets you smoke some of his weed so you keep quiet about seeing him on Grindr

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4. When everyone at the dinner table tries to one-up each other on who misses your dead grandpa mosturl

5.When your cousin Sage who goes to Bard College and fully wrote in Bernie Sanders on her ballot solves the whole country’s socio-economic problems by loudly reading a Vice article to the tune of the entire “Hamilton” soundtrack
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6. When your travel-worn, sleep-deprived Aunt Stella misplaces her newborn



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7. When your sad uncle Lewis won’t shut his sad mouth about how much magic camp changed his life and then he botches pulling a wishbone out of grandma’s ear

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8. When your 16-year-old cousin and the weird friend he brought to dinner this year sneak sips of wine from every drunk relative’s glasses while they’re not looking

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9. When Dan gets the movie working and everybody shuts up for a solid two hours to watch Daniel Day-Lewis in that movie everyone claimed to love 4 years ago but nobody in your family actually watched

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10. When your relatives have eaten their fill and no longer feel the need to stay and pretend that you are even the least bit tolerable

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11. When you have to share a room with your childless Uncle Travis, who intermittently releases dainty, high-pitched snores

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12. When your Mom’s famous leftover crockpot casserole really isn’t that good and gives everyone the shits the next day

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Shirtless Man Yells At Crowd

Friday, November 18th, 2016

On Tuesday, one disillusioned member of Tulane’s Robert E. Lee fan club emerged  into a Phelps balcony with a conspicuous absence of fabric on his torso and broadcast a series of non-sequiturs to a crowd that had assembled to protest discrimination against minorities on campus. According to reports, he was loudly encouraging class attendance.

Sophomore and protest participant Bailey Slatter was unsure of the relevance of the unnamed man’s grievances. “I think he’s right- students at Tulane really do need to work on getting to class more often, but I don’t really get what that has to do with basic human rights,” she said.

Margie Altman, an assistant professor with the Africana Studies  department, who was holding a large sign that read “Stop Killing Us”, doubted the need to prioritize class attendance over racial justice, noting that the few students able to access her small and underfunded department’s classes were pretty good about showing up.

The incident led to more questions than answers.

“If he’s so concerned about class attendance, why isn’t he in class?” wondered Lisa Lisanelli, a sophomore philosophy major.

“Is he related to the old man yelling at a cloud? Is time travel real? There’s something they’re not telling us!” posited Joe Stein, who preferred to remain anonymous.

“Where did I put my chapstick? Do you have any?” asked Kayla Samuels, a freshman with visibly chapped lips.

When asked to comment on the commotion, sophomore Brad Tellement described his Tuesday experience. “This waffle truck line was way too long and more of a throng than a line,” he asserted. “And everyone was yelling. Probably because they were hungry and I guess this political environment really has people craving comfort food.”

Following the large protest advocating for basic benefits to contracted employees of Tulane, the administration responded by ignoring the demands and instead giving out megaphones to all white men on Phelps 3. “We want to show that everyone’s input is valued here at Tulane,” said a housing spokesman. “Freedom of speech is a core principle of our great nation, and I hope in the future this measure will let us respond with confidence to the concerns of all white men on campus.”

 

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Princetown Review Ranks Electoral College #1 Most Fucked Up College in America

Thursday, November 10th, 2016

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Just Another Totally Normal Stress-Free Day

Tuesday, November 8th, 2016

Students, faculty, and staff across Tulane’s campus are in agreement that today, Tuesday, November 8, 2016, is a totally pleasant and unextraordinary day, like many other days. Individuals are reporting that nothing is weighing on their minds and that they are going through their days living in the present moment without any distractions or concerns.

“Today is pretty much a typical day for me,” said sophomore Sofia Diaz. “My professor put a picture of his cat in our lecture today. It was so cute! I just wanted to grab it.”

A gaggle of political science students sat together ogling a very shiny penny. “We just can’t take our eyes off of it,” one of them exclaimed. “I have like 3 unread texts but all I can look at is this penny. Genuine copper!”

A general feeling of levity and contentedness can be felt throughout campus. Brandy Salamander, a senior Environmental Science major and president of QSA, reportedly got a full eight hours of sleep last night. “I didn’t even have a single stress dream.  I guess you could say this is the most wholesome I’ve felt since my pre-k years.  Only at Tulane, huh?!”

Tulane President Mike Fitts journaled, “For breakfast, I had everlasting harmony, understanding, and unity and a heaping side of serenity and also a stack of pancakes so tall I had to eat outside or risk getting syrup on Gibson’s ceiling.”

As data accumulates, it too confirms that this is a pretty average day. Only 2.4 skateboarders have fallen per hour, compared with the average of 2.7, students have scrolled through approximately 1.2 long-winded facebook statuses per walk to class, compared to the Tuesday/Thursday average of 1.5, and Mike Fitts has only cried 5.6 times today, meaning he’s on track to hit his usual 8.9. Data about dorm vomit will be inconclusive until about 1am CST, but even with Warren’s tendency to act as a swing dorm, nothing is expected to sway the averageness of the day either way. While the numbers are still rolling in, it seems that there should be no surprises and everything about this day should go exactly as predicted with no implications for the future of Tulane.

 

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Casualties Soar in Lizard-Cockroach Turf War

Friday, November 4th, 2016

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Earlier this week, decades of tension between local lizards and cockroaches erupted in a massive turf war that ravaged an entire square of sidewalk at the intersection of Drill Road and Newcomb Place. In the aftermath, severed tails littered the battleground, crumpled antennae were strewn every which way, and the corpses were piled high as a crushed Natty Light.

Reports indicate the carnage resulted from an aggressive dispute regarding which creature first laid claim to that abandoned mound of cheese fries on Broadway. Historians at the Great Library of Alexantria have already coined the phrase, “The fry that raised a thousand tails.” Fighting of this magnitude has not broken out since the signing of the Treaty of Zimple in 1835.

Major General Athropodus, the Cockroach’s lead general, outlined his plan of attack that fateful day.

“We sent our Skitterers out first, but they were almost immediately crushed by a salvo of acorns slung from the tails of those damned lizards.”

Private Anole of the lizard faction vividly described the massacre when the opposing front lines first clashed. “I lost my brother Eugene to a pinecone mortar that did its job all too well. His last words were, ‘Tell my wife and 37 offspring that I love them.’”

The impact of the gory conflict was exacerbated by the snail ambulance’s slow response times, despite being stationed the next square over.

The roaches won the initial battle, but the war was far from over. The lizards’ successful diplomatic negotiations with the squirrel cavalry gave them the tactical advantage they needed to secure the eastern curb and cut off the enemy’s vital supply train of starches. This move forced the roaches hand; after centuries of bitter feuding, they reestablished their ancient pact with the dragonflies, ushering in a new era of insect alliance not seen since the Thorax League. They proved to be great allies until they began mating mid air-strike.

Reverend Mantis, observing the bloodbath from afar, silently bowed his head in prayer and wished for all the violence to end and for a brighter tomorrow for animalkind.

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Fitts Viciously Attacked by Mob of Enthused White People

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2016