Tulane University was recognized in a record number of categories in this year’s Princetown Review, including the highly sought-after #1 spot on the Princetown Review’s famous Most Community Service While Hungover list.
Sophomore Brenda Sherman tweeted the rankings with the caption, “Soooooo true! Remember when I barfed on that orphan at Outreach 2015?”
Nancy Hoyt, a Tulane parent, shared the rankings in parents’ groups of every university her little Johnny got rejected from. “This’ll shut Linda up about Harvard,” she wrote in a recent Facebook post. “Tulane of the North my ass!”
Tulane unsurprisingly swept in the category of Most BMW’s per Capita. “Yeah, my M3 is definitely more pothole ready than my Porche,” said Chad Chadwick, senior. He then proceeded to skid down Broadway, tearing up his tires on littered Natty Lite cans in the process.
Some students are disappointed. “I’m on my fourth liver. It’s something my friends and I like to do together. I’d say it’s almost as refreshing as Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Detox Cleanse. For us to only get ranked #6 for Most Liver Transplants is LITERALLY an outrage. Tulane was definitely chopped,” Julia, a junior, exclaimed, as she changed the Burnette’s IV bag flowing directly into her bloodstream.
Tulane did, however, rank #1 in Highest Parent Blood Alcohol Content. Susan, mother of a Tulane junior, shared her contribution to this distinguished award. “When I visit my son at Tulane, I like to have the most authentic New Orleans experience possible: blacking out at The Boot and ending the night by being TEMSed.”
Loyola retained the title of Most Stealable Letter Sign, and the Loyola Quidditch team alone propelled the school to the #3 spot on the list for Most Groin Injuries.
Not to be left out, the UNO earned a spot as the #2 College in Omaha, Nebraska.
[Correction: It has come to our attention that the UNO referenced above is actually the University of Nebraska at Omaha. The University of New Orleans still awaits recognition in any category.]