Monthly Archives: September 2016

Fitts Dresses as Coke Machine in Latest Attempt at Making Friends

Although the new LBC smell has already faded, Tulane has decided to pompously celebrate its renovated food court four weeks into school with decorative balloons and a coke machine that gives you free soda in exchange for hugs.

Our favorite President Michael “Hugs a lot” Fitts has decided to get in on these sweet embraces by dressing up as a Coke machine. “My mom is always telling me to put myself out there, so I figured hanging out in the social hub of campus wearing a boxy replica of a vending machine would be the perfect way to do just that.”

Upon learning that the reason students were hugging the machine was to get a free Coke, Fitts adapted quickly, giving away scholarships to anyone who tells him to “bring ‘er here!” In addition, Fitts rewards selfies with free city diner milkshakes, and those who dry his tears and give him a pat on the head earn a Master’s in Social Work.


How to Frat with Doug Benson

So I hear you want to Frat! I, Doug Benson, am going to teach you How to Frat in 7 steps. Read this. Be inspired. Be Fraternal, you Fratty McFrat Fuck.


Step 1: Every Frat Star knows the holy (fra)trinity consists of: Tools, Women, and Life in general/anything that isn’t contained in Tools/Women. These are the three branches of government in Fratlandia. If one falls, they all fall, and your brothers fall.


Step 2: Every person in a Frat has a Frat Rat, so you have to get one for yourself. Plus, everyone knows chicks dig rats. Remember to keep their tail clean!


Step 3: Frat Math. Its fundamental. If you want to even TRY to be Frat, you need to know this shit front and back:

0 Pledges > 30 Goobers Banging Ugly Broads

America > Everything else

Your Future = WHATEVER YOU MAKE IT. This country’s about having everything and   then working your ass off for more, damnit.




Step 4: America!!! *snorts coke, pukes*



Step 5: When it comes to gear, a true Frat Bro would not be caught dead in anything but head to toe Frat Gear.

  • Bucket hats are so last year. Get yourself a fucking barrel hat.
  • A koozie is a must at all times; whether it’s around your beer bottle, your Frat Rat, or your penis.
  • We can tell you’re a Frat Faker if you only buy one Confederate flag. Owning TWO Confederate flags is the essence of being Frat to the core. If you only had one, what would you do if one is in the wash? (by the way, has anyone seen my Tide Pods?)



Step 6: Discard your complacency. Seriously though, snap the fuck out of it. Hit up some hotter bitches. Be the alpha male girls love to hate.


Step 7: Congratulations! By making it to the end of this article you have earned a bid to Delta Iota Kappa! If you’re interested in being a ΔΙΚ, come to the house right now, and bring your rat!


Fraternally yours,

Doug Benson

Tulane Men Not Romantic, Generally Impressionist or Post-Modern


According to a recent study, a mere 2.3% of Tulane men are Romantic, with the majority falling into Renaissance, Cubism, Post-Modern, Impressionism and Pop. The findings came as an unsurprising disappointment to the many singles on campus seeking an alternative to the ordered world of Enlightenment thought and an appreciation for the unpredictability of nature.


The results of the study resonated with many. Taylor Lift, who spearheaded the study, reportedly dated a man who claimed, “He couldn’t split the fee for the Uber because he’s Baroque.”


Many other students have also come forward with similar experiences since the report’s publication.


Carli, sophomore, spent her entire freshman year dating Rick, before she was enlightened by Art History Survey II. “I’d ask him for weed but he was like, ‘this is not a pipe.’ WTF of course it’s a pipe.” Her first hook-up of the year was equally unromantic. “I knew Andy was a mistake as soon as we got back to his dorm, which he called ‘The Factory.’ Now he won’t stop sending me pics of his banana.”

Andy and Carli

“Men here just don’t know how to communicate- they express themselves so abstractly,” vented junior CoCo LaPlace. “Whenever I call Vinny he’s like, ‘I can’t hear you’ but then he gets mad at me for the dumbest reasons and threatens to cut off his other ear.”


Paula D., SWUG, expanded her Tinder age range to 47, hoping to find some true romantics, but to no avail. Of her former beau Marcel, a middle-aged Tulane alumnus, she said “He always wants me to call him Dada. Whenever we go out he signs the urinal, like, R. Dogg or something. I broke things off when I slept over and he drew a mustache on me.”


Sarah Levine summed it up best when she explained, “If Tulane men were a work of art, they’d be called ‘Entitled (Asshole), 2016.”

Marcel and Paula

Mike Fitts Dons 39 Ceremonial Spots to Commemorate Tulane’s 39th Spot in U.S. News Best Colleges Rankings

In a classic display of Tulanian pomp and exhibitionism, President Mike Fitts has donned his ceremonial “Ranking Robe” yet again, this time, sporting 39 exquisite multi-colored spots to commemorate Tulane’s 39th spot on U.S. News’ 2017 list of best colleges.


“I’m so glad to be back in the robe’s comforting snuggle,” said a visibly emotional Fitts. “All the polka dots are so pretty. I think this dot’s my favorite. Wait, no, the purple. Aw, I just love them all.”


Last year’s robe was emblazoned with 41 spots, a majestic yet cumbersome outfit that Fitts is reportedly happy to leave behind in favor of the sleeker and more chic, 39 spot model.


fancy fitts


Tulane Dominates Princetown Review Rankings; Loyola and UNO Also Win Something for Once

Tulane University was recognized in a record number of categories in this year’s Princetown Review, including the highly sought-after #1 spot on the Princetown Review’s famous Most Community Service While Hungover list.


Sophomore Brenda Sherman tweeted the rankings with the caption, “Soooooo true! Remember when I barfed on that orphan at Outreach 2015?”


Nancy Hoyt, a Tulane parent, shared the rankings in parents’ groups of every university her little Johnny got rejected from. “This’ll shut Linda up about Harvard,” she wrote in a recent Facebook post. “Tulane of the North my ass!”


Tulane unsurprisingly swept in the category of Most BMW’s per Capita. “Yeah, my M3 is definitely more pothole ready than my Porche,” said Chad Chadwick, senior. He then proceeded to skid down Broadway, tearing up his tires on littered Natty Lite cans in the process.


Some students are disappointed. “I’m on my fourth liver. It’s something my friends and I like to do together. I’d say it’s almost as refreshing as Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Detox Cleanse. For us to only get ranked #6 for Most Liver Transplants is LITERALLY an outrage. Tulane was definitely chopped,” Julia, a junior, exclaimed, as she changed the Burnette’s IV bag flowing directly into her bloodstream.


Tulane did, however, rank #1 in Highest Parent Blood Alcohol Content. Susan, mother of a Tulane junior, shared her contribution to this distinguished award. “When I visit my son at Tulane, I like to have the most authentic New Orleans experience possible: blacking out at The Boot and ending the night by being TEMSed.”


Loyola retained the title of Most Stealable Letter Sign, and the Loyola Quidditch team alone propelled the school to the #3 spot on the list for Most Groin Injuries.


Not to be left out, the UNO earned a spot as the #2 College in Omaha, Nebraska.


[Correction: It has come to our attention that the UNO referenced above is actually the University of Nebraska at Omaha. The University of New Orleans still awaits recognition in any category.]



TUPD Leads Door Locking Workshop to Combat Recent Burglaries

Door Locking Demo

In the wake of recent off campus residential burglaries targeting unlocked homes, TUPD officers are leading a door locking workshop on McAlister, demonstrating latest key turning techniques and even providing onlookers with real unlocked doors to practice on.

“Let me put this in words you kids will understand,” said Officer Rick O’Shea chatting with a gaggle of bystanders. “You gotta pop, lock, and drop yourself into a safety-centered mindset…emphasis on the LOCK! And before you turn up, turn the lock. But seriously, deadbolt your door knobs.”

To prevent future robberies, TUPD also recommends closing all windows, leaving as few laptops on the front lawn as possible, and living in a dwelling with at least four connected walls.