The weak cries from Tulane’s most sorrowful program have been heard and at long last the waifs of the A.B. Freeman School of Business will be sheltered by a 45,000 square foot, 4-story addition that architecture majors have described as “showy and obscene,” “a glorified lobby,” and “get that thing away from me.”
Slowly wasting away in business casual, the students of the business school have been forced to watch as other departments carried out obscene acts of avarice such as the Africana Studies department getting the cash to buy new pens, the Hebrew department buying a vowel , and the History department finally hiring exorcist to take care of the racist ghost of F. Edward Hebert. “Every dollar that does not go to the Business School is a stab in the back. How dare the library build an atrium when they know that my students wouldn’t dare step foot in there,” said management professor Billiam Jefferton, before sending false information to U.S. News & World Report.
Gone are the days of Liberal Arts students stunting from their gilded ivory towers. Perhaps now the poor, wretched souls of the A.B. Freeman school of business won’t burst into tears of jealousy at all of the ostentatious basement snapchats from boastful Gender Studies majors, as they will finally have a $35 million shoebox to call their own.
Senior Zadwell Lushringer testified between sobs of relief. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve printed just thousands of pages of gibberish just out of pure angst. Now I just hope to be able to seek shelter in the sweeping three-story atrium. Thank goodness they got rid of the public square.”
“The Science and Engineering kids have always been relentless in their taunting, using their goggle straps to slingshot chunks of gneiss at us,” said AKPsi President Genvieve Vanderwoodski. “It’s not our fault that we will one day own the pharmaceutical companies they will toil for. I mean, I’m in MCOM, I bet that’s harder than orgo.”
Sadie O’Leary, a freshman who has only gone riverside of Freret for Mardi Gras, expressed her excitement. “I hope that I’ll be able to see the construction from my room in Butler!” Reports confirm that Butler’s foundation of compressed rat turds, mold, and shower drain hair has not yet collapsed, so little Sadie may well get to watch the structure’s construction from her dorm.
President Fitts had the last word, “Everyone keeps talking about a Liberal Arts education. I was like hey, what about the poor little B School kids? Imagine the impact that these future leaders of industry could have if just given a lil’ shelter to keep their blow dry.”
Tulane’s USG elections are right around the corner and undergraduate students are feeling the pressure from their friends’ changing cover photos to select the perfect presidential candidate. Here at The Vignette, we have done the work for you this year, you lucky voter. We’re proud to be officially endorsing the only candidate right for Tulane and its student body. He’s someone to support during all seasons, he prefers epic novels to simple stories, and if you don’t really care at all about these elections, you should know that he doesn’t either.
His name is Vinny, the Vignette V, and he’s here to make some serious changes to this campus. He has served as USG’s chair for Disembodied Letters and was his freshman residence hall’s senator or something. He promises to do all he can for USG, even though that may not be much. We’ve included a breakdown below of some of the key issues facing Tulane students along with a brief summary of the way they fit into Vinny’s campaign.
Worried about campus safety? Vinny is too! One of his campaign promises is to order enough Landmark Security Jackets for every student. Any intruder to campus will be unable to tell the difference between students and security guards, and we’ll all have about the same level of training anyway.
Too lazy to make it all the way to Starbucks? Vinny promises to build an underground, air-conditioned tunnel from the LBC to the Loyola Starbucks. He is in contact with Tulane’s contractors and he doesn’t care that the water table in New Orleans is too high to ever consider such a thing. There is nothing – NOTHING – that Vinny loves more than an iced grande double shot Starbucks blend coffee with two equals. He understands that you feel the same way. Until such a tunnel can be completed, Vinny hopes to restructure the routes of all campus shuttles to stop across the street. No more slaving away to get the good coffee.
Feel like you deserve to ride the hoverboard your grandma paid $700 for to buy back your love? The banning of hoverboards on this campus shocked and appalled the ten football players who decided that walking was a thing of the past. Vinny stands for athletes, and for all students, in the fight for alternative cross-campus modes of transportation. He’ll fight for this right, and he will not let the fear of spontaneous combustion stop him from bringing hoverboards back.
Not sure about whether Tulane should Divest? Neither is Vinny, as nobody has been able to really explain the whole issue to him. He’s looking into it. He doesn’t look great in orange though…
Distressed that the bookstore doesn’t sell bananas with the Tulane logo branded on? Vinny would never stand for such nonsense. He’s already got an online order ready to go, all you have to do is elect him and he’ll proceed to checkout.
Mad that Tulane didn’t win the 2013 New Orleans Bowl? Ever since Vinny started running, UL-L has experienced a recruiting scandal and Tulane is now technically the victors of the New Orleans Bowl. #givebackourbowl
Worried About Our Feline Friends? Vinny believes that the real reason students choose Tulane over other universities every year is because of our abundance of stray cats. He promises to insulate the cat houses on the academic quad with all those unread copies of The Hullabaloo, decluttering campus for you and keeping our kitty friends warm at night.
Concerned that Vinny in a fictitious, anthropomorphic mockery of the letter V who could never uphold the values of Tulane let alone logically exist in the real world? Shame on you. You were raised better than that. Vinny is as really real as he is absolutely absolute. He puts the “ape” in “paperwork.” We’re not really sure what that means, but he told us to say it, and we gotta agree, it makes a lot of sense.
Think shoes are “so 2015”? Vinny has sworn that, if elected, he will lift the “you must wear shoes” rule that everyone seems to mindlessly follow. Imagine, not having to wear shoes all the time! Sweet freedom. Vinny will free your feet from tyranny. And if gingers have taught us anything, it’s that it’s ok to be soleless.
Annoyed that the flyers in Newcomb only cover a tiny portion of the ugly walls underneath? Vinny has always hated ugly walls and his love of flyers can be traced back to his days as a young lowercase. He vows to cover Newcomb’s remaining wall space with the most beautiful flyers you can image.
Think all doors should be revolving doors? Wow, we never thought of that! What a unique and novel concept. Bravo. That idea is all yours, pal. Congrats.
Worried about mental health on campus? Vinny is, too. Currently he is the ONLY candidate working to block CAPS’ newest proposal, the “Let’s Give Every Student Who Comes In A Lobotomy.” Vinny is fighting for you, working to make this a campus where students accept each other’s minds instead of trying to surgically remove them. He is also working with the Healthy Veggie Club to create a safe environment for those students who have already been lobotomized after getting lost on the way to the financial aid office.
Worried about the overwhelmingly racist values and power structures present throughout Tulane’s campus? Like all of the other USG candidates, Vinny will be answering this question with a vague but relatively supportive-sounding statement packed with buzzwords like diversity, intersectionality, and inclusivity. There won’t be any concrete plans for long-awaited change, but it will sure sound like he cares!.
Impressed? We were too, and that’s why the entire Vignette staff will be swiping their V-Card at the polls this week. Join us, and vote Vinny!
Well would you look at that, TEMS is back after a harrowing months-long absence! Now that you’ve all grown accustomed to living like beasts in the fearful lawless wasteland that is the Real World Without TEMS, we here at the Vignette thought you might want to ease back into this particular privilege. So here they are kids: your most frequently asked questions about TEMS’ glorious return and our EMT-B answers!
What have TEMS members been doing this whole time?
That’s a simple one, buddy-o. They’ve been hibernating! Lying dormant underground beneath a thin layer of soil, and on top of a pile of cotton balls and latex gloves. Still in their uniforms and holding a walkie-talkie to their cheeks, they emerged one by one up out of the earth the second Ol’ Dusty announced that it was time to resume boozin’ and hazin’ and driving the Wee Woo.
Is it true TEMS has to accept ugly people now?
It is true that TEMS is no longer allowed to review applicants on the bases of attractiveness, personality, talent, or anything else that could easily be a category in the Miss America Pageant. However, they may take advantage of a loophole that says there are no stipulations mandating that TEMS has to hire any fuglies. Indeed, insiders described their new class as “Bruff 5’s, Boot 7’s, Snakes 10’s”
How did you choose members if not based only on appearance?
There are a number of skills and personal qualities TEMS can use to evaluate applicants that are not appearance-based. Some of these include liquor tolerance, loyalty, and the ability to see something and say nothing.
What are some other changes you’ve made to the organization?
TEMS has been ordered to become “Less Party, More Business,” a mantra that will lead to transitions away from some tried and true TEMS traditions. Uniforms will now include a tasteful suit jacket, walkie talkies will be replaced by Bluetooth headsets, the ambulances will be traded in for luxurious but not ostentatious Cadillacs, and the organization’s members will shift their destructive energies away from hazing and toward insider trading and predatory lending.
When will TEMS be officially back in service? Can I call them now?
The start date for TEMS, while forthcoming, has yet to be announced so no, you may not call TEMS now. bBut sources say if you’re looking for something to do next weekend they’re definitely down to party!
But my roommate is having a seizure.
Wow, that is unfortunate. I would suggest you call 911 in this situation.
Nah, my number one priority is that all the EMT’s are friends. Might as well wait until TEMS gets back.
Are there any people negatively affected by the return of TEMS?
The Tulane Enchilada Making Society is still recovering from the brutal tearing away of their control over the “TEMS” acronym.
Tulane President Mike “Michael” Fitts and former presidential candidate John Ellis “Jeb!” Bush met this afternoon at a Golden Corral restaurant outside of Baton Rouge, LA, where both waited anxiously for even a single friend to show up to their respective birthday parties.
President Fitts brought homemade goodie bags filled to the brim with Garfield-themed pencils and obsolete but nostalgic Palm Pilot accessories for the estimated 26 guests who had confirmed “Yes” and “Maybe” to the birthday boy’s Facebook invitation. Two and a half hours after the party’s designated start time, the University admin was seen sitting still unaccompanied at a large corner booth, listlessly watching the flow of Golden Corral’s patented GC Chocolate Fountain™.
Bush’s party had a “Friends” theme, and although the Florida governor had spent hours the night before specifically assigning the perfect character to each of his friends, witnesses spotted him sitting for nearly three hours at the head of an otherwise empty 10-person table, wearing a “Joey” hat and sadly playing Angry Birds on his iPod Touch.
The deeply intimate eye contact began when President Fitts pretended to check his watch, hoping to convince his waitress that his guests’ absence was simply a mix-up, just as Jeb(!) was trying to get his waiter’s attention so he could request an extra packet of mustard for his third hot dog. In that moment, each sad white tycoon met the gaze of the other, and, as of press time, have not looked away for even an instant.
Michael Fitts’ only comment to Vignette reporters was that he hoped that “he’s not like all the others,” and went on to openly question whether Governor Bush sorta maybe wanted to hang out later and check out “my stamp collection.” Governor Bush inquired to the wait staff if President Fitts was “a cool guy or a lame-o,” and also paid to have the staff send a Shirley Temple to the table of his newest friend as an invitation to “shoot the shit.”
The pair was politely asked to leave the restaurant after several patrons complained about the “intensely sexual” and “almost depraved” nature of the pair’s eye contact. Within minutes the dynamic duo was spotted leaving the eatery arm in arm discussing their Ms. Pacman high scores and how drinking beer “really hurts my stomach, too!”