Archive for November, 2015

Tulane’s Turkey is Cooked: A Thanksgiving Preview

Friday, November 27th, 2015

Editor’s Note: A typical preview usually comes out the day before a game. But some of our writers (looking at you Jimbo) decided they would rather “eat food” with their “family” while writing the article. So we are doing the best with what we got.
Preview:
It certainly wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without the three TU’s. You know what I’m talking about: TUlsa, TUlane, and TUrkey. Today’s matchup pits two TU toting rivals in a game as American as apple or pecan pie. Really any pie, I love pie. Janice will you pass me some pie? Anyone who remembers last year’s game knows that they are playing for blood. Except instead of blood, it’s gravy. I know I remember last year’s game — people running up and down the sideline screaming like my Uncle during Thanksgiving when someone claims Obama was actually born in America. Here is your preview:
TULSA:
The Golden Hurricane has centered their offense on two golden boys of their own: Lou and Clark Jawea. How golden are they? 24 karat baby! To put that into perspective, the average family consumes that many carrots on Thanksgiving. The Jaweas have been smashing everything from potatoes to records in their sophomore year. If Tulane hopes to win the game, it is in the defense’s best interest to sack a Jawea. Speaking of defenses, Tulsa’s is Plymouth Rock-solid and will most certainly be casseroling over everything Tulane throws their way. In fact, Tulsa is so confident in their abilities that they have been playing their 3rd string-bean special teams the past four games.
TULANE:
Things are looking pilgrim for the 3-8 Green Wave. Plagued by injuries from ankles rolls, dinner rolls, and broken wishbones, they have been getting cranberried by the competition. The Green Wave’s future bowl eligibility is questionable, just like my future as made evident by my mother’s incessant nagging in front of my whole family. Needless today, things have been less than gravy for all involved. However, when asked, Junior Receiver Will Tompkins countered, “I think that I yam a good player and that I yam playing for a great team. We have been practicing and pumpkin’ iron like crazy for this game. The coaching staff has done a great cob preparing us — basting, marinating, steaming, baking, braising. You name it, they’ve done it.” Unfortunately, however, The Vignette’s Advanced Statistical Sexy Sporty Algorithm™ has yielded only one result for the game: Their turkey is cooked with a side of squash.
Final Thoughts:
Unlike my stomach currently, the seats at Yulman have been under-stuffed all sesaon, and this will continue today as most of the stuffing is in the fridge for sandwiches tomorrow. However, don’t let that stop you from coming out today as there is a cornucopia of reasons to attend the game. Tulane’s a capella group “Green Bean Envy” will be performing with the “Hot Potato Brass Band” at half time, followed by a Riptide Freedom Roast. For you gamblers out there, Vegas has set the over/under at 450 degrees Fahrenheit for 2.5-3 hours. In conclusion, make sure you support our ….…sdfvfw9099999er2mmmmarshmallowsasd34890uq8hqgf8herfre.
Hey gang! Editor here again. Unfortunately Jimbo fell asleep writing this article due to a triptophane induced food coma. So check back in later this week when he finally wakes up, cleans the sweet potatoes off his body, and finishes the article.

Black Sheep Banquet: Angsty Family Haters Hold Annual Meeting

Thursday, November 26th, 2015

On Thursday, Angsty Family Haters held their fifth annual Black Sheep Banquet for those too overwhelmed with angst to even consider going home, gosh.
Unlike many students for whom the trip would be financially unfeasible, these angst ridden mostly freshmen passed up the opportunity to eat a family meal at a friend’s house in Metairie or at an RA-lead meal in favor of bellyaching together.
The meeting was held in Warren, which was the only place not already taken over by more festive events. The possum who fell through the ceiling was in attendance, saying, “My family is the whole reason I fell through the ceiling. I was so sick of their shit I had to leave.”
The humans in attendance fell into three factions: middle children, the misunderstood, and “college has changed me.” The event was run potluck style. The middle children brought homemade cookies, which were completely forgotten about because the misunderstood had attempted to make kale into a dessert. The changed brought nothing because after an anthropology class most of them had taken they really began to question potlucks as an institution.
“I feel like I’ve found my people,” said some freshman. This writer thinks she then said something about feeling overshadowed at family holidays, but it was boring so I stopped listening.
One participant brought his artwork. “My family just doesn’t get my work. My mom’s always just like. ‘Oh that’s nice.’ It’s a meta examination of the deconstruction of post modernist theories of the commoditization of art. Get it?” It was a lump of clay with a coupon sticking out.
“I mean, I could go for some mashed potatoes,” said the president Lenny something. “Whatever, Thanksgiving is a racist holiday anyway, and so are potatoes.”

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Tulane Agrees to BSU’s Demands to Meet Original 1968 Demands, Propelling the School into the 1970’s

Friday, November 20th, 2015

On Wednesday, Tulane’s Black Student Union and Students Organizing Against Racism held a well-attended rally that called for unity and solidarity amid overt, subtle, and institutional racism. One of BSU’s demands was for Mike “Michael” Fitts to finally respond to the African American Congress of Tulane’s “Order of Discourse,” a list of demands made in 1968 to address systemic racism.

Other Tulane officials made sure to note that they’re not going to get ‘too crazy.’

“Sure we’ll address the minimum demands made by students who grew up in segregation times almost 50 years ago, but jeez how much more do you want?” said the very same administrator who agreed with a decision not to allow Sodexo workers to take Tulane shuttles to their jobs. “We eventually came to an agreement to reach 1974-ish racial progress, just as long as they aren’t too taxing.”

“It’s just difficult to recruit black students,” said one administrator while living in a city that’s 60% black. “We just prefer to spend the money where it’s needed, like hosting admissions events at the most expensive hotels in Manhattan. I mean, the national average for African American students at American colleges is around 15%, that’s pretty close to our average of 2% isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty bummed out by all this,” said the ghost of an enslaved woman who worked on the plantation that Tulane was built upon.

“I don’t see why these organizers can’t be more easygoing,” said an administrator that ok’d a tailgating tent for Delta Kappa Epsilon, a fraternity whose charter was revoked 31 years ago for, among other things, hosting blackface parades. “I also don’t think it’s a problem that we have more campus cats than black undergraduate students in the School of Public Health” (the number is 23 vs. 18.)

“In the end, a lot of these changes are just going to be too expensive,” said President Fitts, lovingly stroking his 75 million dollar stadium.

Updated 1pm: The administration has reviewed the 1968 demands again and has decided to go with another townhall on diversity instead, hoping that students will forget about the whole thing until 2068.

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Thousands of Students Fall Victim to Netflix Epidemic Ravaging Tulane

Thursday, November 19th, 2015

Earlier this week, a health report released by TheWell entitled Living Among Us: The Netflix Affliction revealed that thousands of physically and mentally dependent Netflix addicts currently inhabit Tulane’s campus. The deadly scourge has no boundaries, and the report warns that most likely everyone you know is an addict.

Karen Usbon, Tulane’s Chief of Sensationalism, paused from a mean and uneducated Facebook tirade on the harmful effects of magnets to offer some insight. “It’s truly an actual genuine authentic real-life horror story,” says Usbon. “These poor souls try this Netflix once and are instantly hooked on the immediate gratification they somehow get from reclining motionless for hours as the Netflix disintegrates their pupils.”

Usbon also mentioned that addicts often meet up at secret locations to share passwords and enjoy the “experience” together. Known colloquially as “Stream Shacks,” these filthy dorms, dingy study rooms, and shoddy lecture halls serve as streaming sanctuaries for society’s degenerates. Withdrawal symptoms include boredom, having nothing to talk about, and inexplicably staring at a blank wall for hours at a time.

In an effort to fight the massive outbreak of addiction cases, a ragtag team of “mom hackers” took down Wahlburgers, The Muppets Take Manhattan, and everything Harold and Kumar, but with little to no effect on the Netflix’s demand.

Seeking more information on this heinous plague, Vignette reporters visited the living room of Matthew McKneery, a Tulane junior and well-known “Net-head,” who exuberantly recalled his many “dope” experiences with the Netflix.

“Oh, it’s the shit, man. Have you seen Storage Wars?” said McKneery while visibly struggling to recover from a Netflix included coma that left him incapacitated on his futon and under a blanket of empty Doritos bags for 3 days. “I could watch that shit all day. Actually, I do watch that shit all day. Although, recently I’ve been looking for more of a thrill, so I’ve started hanging around Loyola where they’re experimenting with…HBO Go.”

Claiming he had to go because he left his laundry in the oven, McKneery quickly walked out the front door of his own home while scratching his neck and mumbling something about “just one more episode.”

Students Break Record for Most Lies per Second Over Homecoming Weekend

Monday, November 16th, 2015

As parents descended upon campus this past weekend, panic rose among the student body. The seeds planted in phone calls throughout the semester bloomed into full-fledged lies. Here are their stories.

“We had just walked into Bruff and my parents were excited by the jazz band. My mom started dancing and my dad was lip syncing.” Said Jordan Spigot, sophomore, shuddering at the recent memory. “I had told her I started eating more vegetables, but pizza is a vegetable. I knew I couldn’t get my usual four slices, so I got a salad instead, with some weird fucking grain thing on top. Next thing I knew, I blurted out, ‘I always eat this healthy!’ It was word vomit worse than what Bruff does to the other end. I barely kept myself from saying that I started cooking.”

“It was like I was giving a tour on steroids.” Said Kayla Stevens, a Green Wave Ambassador and current junior. “I just let the school’s lies fuel me; I felt so alive. ‘We recycle a lot! Tulane is so diverse! Your tuition dollars are being well spent!’ I couldn’t stop myself. I mean, I had told them that I’m really happy here, but never anything like this.”

Aaron Finsky confessed that he had walked right into a trap. “We went to Hillel and I just saw the spark in my mother’s eyes when she saw all of the ‘nice Jewish girls.’ She was moving in on one so I panicked. I googled a picture of Lea Michele and said she was my girlfriend, but that she was at her sister’s Bat Mitzvah this weekend.”

Freshman Will Kenison stated, “My mom asked me what LBC stands for. I said, ‘I know what I’m doing!’”

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Search Party Will Not Stop Until Fake ID Found

Tuesday, November 10th, 2015

Last Thursday, sophomore Matty Pullman was sitting in the back seat of a cab departing from F&Ms that smelled vaguely of recently cleaned-up vomit and transportation protest when he realized his entire wallet was missing from his back pocket.

Due to its effectiveness of finding lost items, Pullman posted in the Class of 2018 Facebook page, and soon an entire search party was on the hunt for the velcro wallet.

The search party gathered for briefing in City Diner. TUSTEP dogs sniffed Pullman’s left butt cheek to help them find the wallet. TUPD, lacking any professional supplies, grabbed spare napkins and pancake boxes to take notes of Pullman’s various locations throughout the night. Landmark Security just showed up for the Hullaballo photo-ops and milkshakes.

The search party departed at 1:30 AM following Pullman’s steps, which began with a dabbing session in the second shower stall of a Phelp’s suite. With no luck, the team of 200 followed Skipper’s strong scent to Quills. Skipper is one of TUPD’s most talented officers; all the TUSTEP dogs were left behind at Phelps because they couldn’t stop licking their balls.

After a quick game of bp and a few hundred pitchers of beer — they found a five dollar bill along the way — the search party piled into a Toyota Prius Uber and scooted over to their last hope: F&Ms.

The search party used the well-established detective tactic of “putting themselves in Pullman’s sperrys.” Sacrifices were made: Landmark security whipped their yellow jackets around as they danced on the pool table, TUPD officer Joe Shmuker assumed the fetal position below the stairs, and officer Jannette Buckley made out with various sexually frustrated freshmen girls. “I did it for the case,” she said, covering her black and blue neck with copious amounts of cover-up.

With all hope lost, members of the search party decided to get cheese fries to celebrate their attempt at doing something significant. Pullman thanked the party by pulling out his wallet from his front pocket and paying for everyone’s fries.

Turf War Between Landmark Security and TUPD Culminates in an Epic Rap Battle:

Thursday, November 5th, 2015

This month, tensions between Landmark Security and TUPD have been palpable. Turf wars between the two groups have taken a turn for the violent, and came to a head Halloween weekend. Vignette writers happened to be on the scene, taking a break from trick or treating to find TUPD pitted against Landmark Security in a vicious rap battle outside Cudd Hall. What follows is a verbatim transcript of that battle:

[Wu-Tang Clan’s “Protect Ya’ Neck” Instrumentals]

Verse 1- MC PoPo
Uh…ok… here we go.
TUPD puttin’ the 5-0 in the 504
Wanna see where we reign? Ok, here’s a tour:
St. Chucks to Claiborne
Broadway to ‘Houn,
We keep the blocks hot like a Demi Lovato tune.
We’re the OG’s of Justice- an Uptown Judge Judy
You got weird eyes and a limp like Mad-Eye Moody.
Grab some PJ’s, the Hulla’, and relax
While I give you knowledge straight from Howie T’s stacks.
Golf Carts, bikes, and patrols of at least two;
Our resources are unlimited- we move faster than you.
Were much older and wiser, and if you’re astute
You’ll see Landmark is sloppy gross, we’re talkin’ freshman at the Boot.
So please step back and we’ll resume our patrol
We’ve been on top of the game since Fitts took control

Verse 1- Yella Jackit
We are the new wave, you are the old wave.
We see you and get sick- call us the Green Wave.
Ridin’ your bikes around, you must be a child.
The simple truth? Our peacekeeping skills are wild.
We arrived last month cuz of Mr. Sardoni,
And now we’re the bosses- a southern Vito Corleone.
Catch us rollin’ about town in a fresh Yellow Jacket,
We have observable swagger and you certainly lack it.
Campus presence is huge, it’s hard to ignore us.
You’re in the background like a Shakespearean chorus.
So please step aside as we usurp your throne,
We’re dripping with justice, like Batman’s ice cream cone.
We apologize to grill you just like Oz in Bruff,
But the verses are hot, coming right off the cuff.
Your flows are rusty, better get some new piping
Call us Dora the Explorer because the Swipers will stop swiping.

Verse 2- MC PoPo
Allow me to rebut, cause you’re just not our equal
You’re just a bad follow up like a Star Wars Prequel
You’ve just been struck- ZAP- lightning rod.
In fact, you’re as useless as the balls on A-quad

Verse 2- Yella Jackit
Here is the thing that you fail to see:
It goes Kobe, Lebron, Landmark Security.
If you had done your job we wouldn’t be here
So do us a big favor and just disappear.

Unfortunately, the battle had to end there once they were made aware of a campus crime by an anonymous source on Yik-Yak.