After unwittingly opening last week’s “View from GIbson” in some sort of freak accident, dozens of Tulane students stumbled upon some disturbing content within the President’s weekly epistle, namely threats to behead infidels, dissenters, and students who violate Tulane’s new Alcohol Policy.
“I first realized something was up when the subject of the second body paragraph shifted from renovations in the LBC to spreading the blessed flag of truth, justice, and military violence across the whole campus,” said sophomore Elizabeth Smalls. “I didn’t quite know what to make of it,” Smalls told a Vignette field reporter before emphasizing that reading “The View From Gibson” was a total accident and that she thought it was just another one of those helpful emails telling her to enter her password.
A more thorough investigation by the Vignette staff revealed that this week’s “View From Gibson” had been penned not by Mr. Fitts, but rather by representatives from the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, also known as ISIS, also listed on Tulane’s bankroll as “President’s Social Media Consultants.”
“You have to admit, ISIS does do a great job connecting with American youths,” Director of Student Communications Arturo McComb commented. “They’ve somehow convinced countless millennials to leave their families, communities, and country to join a wildly destructive militant group; I am so excited to see what they do for football attendance.”
As per usual, President Fitts’ egregious weeping prevented him from commenting, but some of his tears fell onto his desk to spell, “I just wanted someone to read it.”
At this time, Fitts’ administration is considering the move to dismiss ISIS from the consulting position. “We can definitely look past all the human rights atrocities that they’re perpetrating,” said Arturo McComb. “But truth be told, they have barely made a dent in student apathy.”
Recent polls conducted by the Vignette demonstrate that the percentage of students that read “The View from Gibson,” has indeed dropped to below -32%.
The short list for potential replacements in the role of social media consultant includes Martin Shkreli, Pepe the Frog, and the Dark Lord Satan.