Monthly Archives: October 2015

Cow Cat Reunited with Father

Yesterday, October 25th, with the help of Tulane’s genetics department and the cat ladies in the English department, the campus celebrity known as “Cow Cat” was finally reunited with his father. Cow Cat’s father, a Holtstein cow named Morris Davidovitz, let out a mournful moo upon seeing his long lost child. The reunion took place in Cudd Hall.

“Moooooo I’m so sorry I ran off to Baton Rouge and abandoned you and your mom mooooo,” said Davidovitz. The reunion was featured heavily on the Tulane Snapchat story. The meeting was so emotional that even Mr. Lloyd was seen shedding a tear. When reached for comment, Cow Cat let a Vignette reporter pet it for like a minute, then ran off.

The Ball Statue, seeing the scene of bovine/feline filial reconciliation, vowed to look for the hundreds of children it has fathered through the years. cow cat

47 Year-Old Feral Business Student Found Inhabiting B-School Breakout Room

The TUPD has confirmed the presence of a Feral Business Student in our midst. The student, Colson Reid (Class of ’90), is reported to have been living in one of the A.B. Freeman School of Business study rooms, where business students can be seen not doing work since 1986.
On Thursday, Sophomore Darren Schenk left class early to attend a 1980’s themed bash at the Sigma house. “After the party, I was chasing the cow cat and got too tired to make it all the way back to Irby, so I slept in the B-school. I woke up around 8 am and saw a dude who looked like he moonwalked straight out of the 80s, so I asked him if he had a good time at the party. That’s when he screamed ‘Trickle Down Economics!’ and attacked me.”
After he was mauled with the ferocity of a disgruntled used car salesman on PCP, Schenk bled alone for over an hour until students arrived for their 9ams and notified TUPD. Investigators followed the trail of blood to the breakout room where Reid had been living for over 29 years.
TUPD found Reid huddled over an illegible resume, repeatedly chanting “Productivity, Start up, Revenue, Logistics, Cocaine.” He was sporting a Bon Jovi, neon ski jacket, hammer pants, large glasses, and Reebok Pump Shoes (Figure A) The party portion of Reid’s mullet had grown to his feet, although the business portion had remained remarkably intact and neatly trimmed.
Over the course of 29 years, Reid had reformatted lair into what can only be described as a conference room from a haunted Alcatraz: a plush bed made of failed accounting tests, walls covered in stock photos of businesswomen torn from flyers, and the word “Synergy” etched into the wall over 60 times. A Walkman hooked into speakers was playing Wang Chung’s “Everybody Have Fun Tonight”.
TUPD’s investigative bureau hypothesizes that Reid sustained himself over the 29 year period scavenging for food between the hours of 8-8:50 am while students slept through their classes.
“The staff knew about him,” commented an anonymous Marketing professor “but we never said anything because no one would believe us and we thought we’d get bullied by grad-school professors again. Sometimes I give him the attendance candy I brought for students, to appease him”.
“The investigation is ongoing but we have a few theories,” remarked TUPD agent Skylar O’Wolfe, “We think he was reserving the breakout room to meet with his group for a report titled ‘Workplace Dynamics: Your Cubicle and You’. He was able to go unnoticed for so long by finger painting the word “ART” on the window because he assumed business school students would never look at anything art related.”
TUPD plans to continue the investigation and has shut down the business school for the remainder of the semester, which students have yet to notice.

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Bait Bikes Recalled After Failing to Catch a Single Fish

The Tulane fishing community was devastated last Thursday when the Commission for Research on Aquaculture Policy (CRAP) revealed the findings of their most recent study: in over twenty years of data collection, not a single fish has been caught using a Tulane Bait Bike.

“This is just disgraceful,” Tulane Fishermen’s League President, Rod Finney said, standing at the edge of the large puddle on the corner of Broadway and Zimple with a homemade spear in hand. “The Bait Bike was marketed to us as the new cutting edge technology for urban fishmongering. But now that we know they’re a sham, what are we supposed to use to lure scaly beasts to their deaths with? We just want the bait bikes to live up to their name!”

The bikes, marked with a sticker that says “this could be a bait bike,” have apparently failed to catch even a small fish, leaving students to rummage for food in Bruff, like savages. However, the Vignette interviewed a senior named Robert Cuddy who has used a bicycle to agitate the waters of the Mississippi to uncover “a bunch of king cake babies and koozies,” which he ate anyways because he was very bored.

When confronted with claims that the advertizing for Bait Bike™ Technology is false, TUPD shrugged collectively. “Maybe you’ve been using the wrong bikes,” one shouted from the back. “Yeah,” another officer nodded, eyes wide. “Not even we can tell which ones are the bait bikes anymore.”picture bait bike

President Fitts Hires ISIS to Write “View from Gibson”

After unwittingly opening last week’s “View from GIbson” in some sort of freak accident, dozens of Tulane students stumbled upon some disturbing content within the President’s weekly epistle, namely threats to behead infidels, dissenters, and students who violate Tulane’s new Alcohol Policy.

“I first realized something was up when the subject of the second body paragraph shifted from renovations in the LBC to spreading the blessed flag of truth, justice, and military violence across the whole campus,” said sophomore Elizabeth Smalls. “I didn’t quite know what to make of it,” Smalls told a Vignette field reporter before emphasizing that reading “The View From Gibson” was a total accident and that she thought it was just another one of those helpful emails telling her to enter her password.

A more thorough investigation by the Vignette staff revealed that this week’s “View From Gibson” had been penned not by Mr. Fitts, but rather by representatives from the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, also known as ISIS, also listed on Tulane’s bankroll as “President’s Social Media Consultants.”

“You have to admit, ISIS does do a great job connecting with American youths,” Director of Student Communications Arturo McComb commented. “They’ve somehow convinced countless millennials to leave their families, communities, and country to join a wildly destructive militant group; I am so excited to see what they do for football attendance.”

As per usual, President Fitts’ egregious weeping prevented him from commenting, but some of his tears fell onto his desk to spell, “I just wanted someone to read it.”

At this time, Fitts’ administration is considering the move to dismiss ISIS from the consulting position. “We can definitely look past all the human rights atrocities that they’re perpetrating,” said Arturo McComb. “But truth be told, they have barely made a dent in student apathy.”

Recent polls conducted by the Vignette demonstrate that the percentage of students that read “The View from Gibson,” has indeed dropped to below -32%.

The short list for potential replacements in the role of social media consultant includes Martin Shkreli, Pepe the Frog, and the Dark Lord Satan.

Library Hit by More ‘Totally Real’ Crimes

Howard Tilton Memorial Library, the beloved building that was once known as a place to sit back, get some work done, and maybe even fall asleep at your laptop, has apparently turned into the most crime-infested edifice in New Orleans. Unlike the debunked robbery attempt of last week, TUPD has assured students that these crimes “definitely happened” and “don’t worry about it.”

The first crime alert came yesterday morning and reported a rolling meth lab operated in the first floor men’s stall. The faint odor of toxic fumes was apparently noticed by a sensitive-nosed freshman occupying the next stall over. “You know that this crime totally happened because a freshman noticed it,” said a not made-up TUPD officer Gladiola Marz, “most of our student population has little to no sense of smell left after spending even a small amount of time in Phelps and Irby.” Officer Marz reported that the lab was “almost certainly” being operated by a chemistry professor because “Duh, Breaking Bad.”

A second TUPD police report was sent out in the evening. The report was detailed and most likely written by someone who had just seen a “Die Hard” movie.

“TUPD received an anonymous call regarding suspicious activity on the fourth floor. The handsome officers definitely rushed up to the fourth floor to find none other than Chechen rebels, organizing in the microfilm room. An all or nothing shootout ensued, leaving many bloodied and fatally wounded. Tulane law enforcement thoroughly infiltrated the Chechen headquarters and all members of the extremist organization were definitely taken into custody.”

“Yup, definitely happened” said TUPD officer Neil DeRock Johnson, denying persistent claims that ‘microfilm’ is just a made-up library word.

When reached for comment the head of TUPD Randy “The Ghost of Christmas Past” Willis had this to say: “Be alert in the library, there is a 10% chance of crime and a 90% chance of the library’s social media team trying to make it look more badass.”

Students Can Now Fulfill Service Learning by Attending Football Games

Today, Monday the 5th, Tulane Football and the Center for Public Service announced an exciting new program that lets students fulfill their service learning requirements by attending football games. “We were concerned by last Saturday’s numbers and we realized that something drastic had to be done so that Tulane could continue to pretend to be a football school,” said Franklin Hickory, director of Tulane Athletics. The timing could not be more perfect, following disappointing attendance during Saturday’s game against University of Central Florida. Experts agree that the low attendance was caused by a double whammy of arctic sub-70 temperatures and an 11 am start time which left little time for students to recover from their hangovers.

The program will begin by allowing students fulfill 1st and 2nd tier Service Learning requirements by remaining in the stadium for any two quarters. “Literally, you just sit there and not die,” said CPS director Morgana Carey. “We don’t care if you’re taking selfies, studying for your accounting exam, or watching Netflix. Just be a human being in the stands.” The program will cater to freshmen through TIDES classes. One example, “Contemporary American Football” asks students to attend Tulane football games then write a reflection of no more than 15 words at the end of the semester.

For those who wish to expand their involvement in the football program, the Theatre Department will start offering a 4+1 Program, wherein theatre students will stay on for an extra year learning the sport of football and the art of sideline-yelling. At the games, students will be able to fuse their newfound understanding of the sport together with their stage talents into a flawless interpretation of what it would look like if students actually gave a shit about the game. “Theatre is all about reacting, pretending like you know what’s going on, and acting like someone you aren’t,” said Miguel Toblerone, a theatre major. “I was sidelined from theatre by a gruesome jazz hands accident, but now I’m ready to play the role of a lifetime”

When asked about his take on the potential boost in attendance, Freshman Running Back Mike Thompson replied “Well, only 35 people signed up. Those 35 extra people might make the stadium much nosier. More noise means more distractions and I’m worried that I won’t be able to hear plays!” The Philosophy Department also makes football games a part of the “Intro to Buddhism” curriculum. Here, students are able to practice their transcendental meditation techniques in a quiet environment after everyone leaves in the 2nd quarter.

Special Report: Pope Francis At the Boot

After a visit to the city of brotherly love, Pope Francis decided to make a completely necessary and not out of the way stop at the Boot. The Vignette was not on the scene, due to prior obligations to call our mothers, but has diligently interviewed many key witnesses.
“He told me I could call him Papa Frank, so I told him to call me the poon-slayer,” said frequent Boot patron, freshman Eugene Reynolds. “He tried to roll up in the pope mobile, but it got stuck in that pothole on Zimple, so he got out, climbed on top and started making it rain Eucharist wafers. Then he yelled over an appeal to the bouncers to accept all IDs because we are all made in the image of God and He’s definitely over 21.”
Sophomore Erika Mooney was having an average night out until the Pope came along. “When he walked in, a path opened up for him. He didn’t get elbowed or groped once! Once he was in the middle he started swinging around that thing with the incense. When the bouncers tried to stop him he said, ‘You of all people need some forgiveness.’ Then he kept swinging the incense and started break dancing.”
Erika’s friend Kayla, a total shitshow, had a special interaction. “I was puking when out of nowhere came the pope. He held my hair, extensions and all, and when I finished he kissed me on the forehead and said, ‘Blessed are the sloppy, for they make us feel better about ourselves.’ He even promised to wash everyone’s feet at the Palms, Sunday. I felt so #blessed.”
“I was telling my friend I was going to go take a piss and the Pope came up and said he had the bathroom hookup.” Self-proclaimed Pope expert Louis Barker told us the inside scoop. “We walked over to the Catholic center ‘cause he said they knew him there. He totally missed the urinal, but then just laughed and called it holy water.”
The Pope was last seen walking away from the Boot being supported by two of his cardinals, saying, “I’ll be back in three days!”Boot Pope