Archive for September, 2015

Uptown Campus Dining to Create World’s First Challahcopter

Monday, September 28th, 2015

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a —– Challahcopter?!?!?! Fresh off their food truck high, Uptown Campus Dining is continuing to push the boundaries of campus food with the new Challahcopter©! The Challahcopter is rumored to bring fresh challah to the hungry students of Tulane by dropping the loaves from out of the sky. What some would call “foolish” or “attention-whoreish,” Tulane calls “a work of art” (see statue in front of Woldenberg). This tasty publicity stunt is sure to attract prospective students and distract from the shitty Bruff food!

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One of the ringleaders in this innovative foodservice, Jerry Geraldson, commented with gusto, “I’m so excited for the Tulane students! This is what the people want! This is the greatest thing to happen to me!” Geraldson then began to hyperventilate while wheeze-cheering, “Cha-llah! Cha-llah!”


When asked for comment, President Fitts added, “I can’t believe I’m a part of this beautiful…” Fitts’ comment couldn’t be completed, as tears started violently streaming down his face.

Kendra Kerrington, one of the UCD employees set to work on the new Challahcopter, raised some important questions. “I don’t really get it. How are we going to take payments? What if the customers can’t catch the challah? What about the children?”


Uptown Campus Dining, however, is not concerned about the unanswered questions, preferring to “focus on the positives, and revel in being the first University to create such innovation.” In other news, Loyola has just started their very own “food golf cart.” We’ve heard it’s adorable.

This Month’s Water Contamination Brought to You by Dasani

Friday, September 25th, 2015
Following another New Orleans water scare, Tulane students campus-wide are now praising the arrival of a shining savior: Dasani bottled water.

“I’ll never forget when I saw that beautiful Dasani truck drive up McAlister,” says Sophomore Billy Thompson. “Everyone immediately put down their empty rainwater buckets, fell to their knees, and said in unison, “I love water!”

The fun-filled afternoon kicked off when Dasani representatives poured out of the truck like a glorious waterfall of salvation, unraveled a banner reading “Water You Waiting For?,” and began tossing water to those who yelled Dasani the loudest.

The delivery provided students with over 2,000 water bottles and McAlister Road with over 2,000 feet of slip-n-slide, every inch of it covered with Dasani water.

“When Tulanians hear the words “precautionary boil water advisory,” I want them to immediately reach for a cold bottle of delicious Dasani water,” said Coca-Cola CEO Muhtar Kent as he flipped a switch that turned off all of New Orleans’ water treatment plants. “We just want the entire NOLA community to know we are here for them in their time of need. We even made the caps ‘Green Wave Green’ and enhanced the water with minerals so everyone at Tulane will like it.”

When asked why he turned off the treatment plants, Kent laughed, scoffed, and called security.

“I don’t really see what the big deal is, I’m H2 Overjoyed!” said freshman Thomas Dasani before making a phone call, smirking, and saying, “all is going according to plan, Father.”

Hugs, Hot Chocolate, and Volleyball: a Stunning Exposé on Loyola Hazing

Thursday, September 24th, 2015
A stunning Tulane Vignette exposé on Loyola fraternity hazing has sent both campuses reeling and has students asking: how far is too far?

Says Loyola freshman Jake Danforth, “I decided to rush because I went pretty hard in high school and I thought I could handle just about anything. But then, I walked into the frat house and the first thing they said was, ‘Drink this whole can of Monster.’ I mean, it was 8 PM! I would’ve been awake until 11:30, at the very least!” Danforth went on to explain that 8 hours of sleep one of the pillars of a Loyola education. “Even though they said I’d totally didn’t need to do anything, and that I would absolutely still be in the fraternity, I still felt pressured!”

Further interviews with other Wolfpack students have revealed a trend of reckless abandon and borderline human rights violations. Sophomore Mark Grenton spoke to the Vignette about his rush experience a year ago, “We all had to drink a glass of milk, eat three cookies, and play friendly rounds of volleyball. FOR AN HOUR. Seriously, I don’t know why I didn’t walk out right then and there.”

The Vignette sent their own reporter, Marvin Clockin, who wished to remain anonymous, as an undercover Loyola freshman to see uncover the true nature of these allegations. Clockin’s report was as shocking as expected, “they told us that we had to wear a necklace without a cross on it and that we weren’t allowed to hold the door for girls for the rest of the day. Some of the other guys seemed pretty upset. One of the pledgemasters threatened to take away our ‘No Tearz’ shampoo.”

 

Given the opportunity to comment, pledgemaster Francis Smith said this, “Oh geez, we didn’t mean to hurt the fellers’ feelings! We just wanted to welcome them to the gang with some friendly merrimaking, nothing serious! Gosh, we consulted with doctors about the potential stress but I guess we need turn our hijinks into lowjinks!” Smith then told the Vignette that by ‘doctors’ he meant priests.

In response to the competition posed by their Greek neighbors, Tulane fraternities instituted a 34 shot minimum drinking policy for all current pledges, effective immediately.

Tulane Student? This Article Is So Relatable, Your Life As You Know It Will Become Meaningless!

Thursday, September 17th, 2015

This past week, TUPD were baffled when drinks, underage Gibson only in New Orleans French Quarter, Hullabaloo!

Freshman Lil’ John said, “50 Cent shot night, too many drinks and administration. President Fitts, Sharp has parties more than Butler, remember Rocco’s? Jazz is soul, also the ball statue and sad Mickey Mouse.”

This comes weeks after the Dough Bowl is gone, Broadway Fraternities boil water advisory, oh no Hurricane; Boot dorm silly, academic quad, pot holes! TEMS, Bruff food is moderate, Luff food is slightly above moderate, The view from Gibson. Mardi party hardy? Working hard or hardly work hard play hard. Second semester rush is new football stadium Nico Marley remember girl from last night? Barely.

Boot pizza. Boot pizza Boot pizza Boot pizza, Boot pizza Boot pizza. Boot pizza? Boot pizza Boot pizza Boot pizza! Boot pizza Boot pizza: Boot pizza, Boot pizza. Boot. Pizza. Cheese fries.

When Tulane uptown Lavin Bernick Center, Panda Express! Orange chicken, wall of water fountain, Crawfest Newcomb girls. JL. Halloweekend Alligator! City Diner Shitty Diner Pancake that’s as big as your growing regret.

 

Best Semester Ever!

Balloon Animal Club Starts in Wall, Condoms Finally Put to Use

Monday, September 14th, 2015
Wall has long been regarded as a place where sexual prowess has gone to die, but the Balloon Animal Club has sought to change that by promoting the men of Wall as fun loving, good with their hands and in ownership of at least 2 condoms. President Daniel Graham welcomes anyone to his club who considers themselves “latex lovers and lady killers.”

 

The idea to use condoms instead of traditional balloons came after the club ran into “Greece-level financial troubles.” We consulted treasurer Farik Azbal. “Our passion for balloon animals grew, and fellow Wallabies wanted in. However, we had no budget left because we spent it all on Axe at the beginning of the semester.” They were in desperate need of a solution for their balloon shortage, when inspiration hit freshman Oliver Melman. “I was in my room on Friday night trying to figure out what the hell was going on in the condom application diagram they gave us. Then it hit me! Literally, a condom slipped out of my hand and hit me in the face. After that, it was all aboard to condom-town.”

 

The Balloon Animal Club has since become a roaring success. “It actually worked out really well,” added Farik. “Because they’re lubricated, there’s no more squeaky noise while we work our magic. Plus our hands are really soft!” Farik recalled a recent outing of the club “We took them to the boot. Two girls smiled at us, so it’s already been way more successful than when we tried breakdancing. Our next goal is to have three girls smile at us. After that, the sky is the limit!”


Popular balloon animals include weiner dogs, giraffes, Michael Fitts’ big round head, and the balls statue.

Radioactive Grandma Doesn’t Get New ‘Giant White Suit’ Fad

Thursday, September 10th, 2015

This past week, The Vignette sat down to talk about changing trends in today’s youth with local Tulane grandmother Meredith Kinsly, who, in a regrettable mix-up, was exposed to extremely high levels of radioactive gamma rays at a local carnival. This is a brief excerpt from our conversation:

“… and I remember back when grandpa Papi came back from the war, it was a nice simple button down shirt, tucked into kahki pants. Oh no, not anymore with the kids these days. Now all anybody wears are these big white suits, with the huge square helmets that make noise when they breathe. It’s crazy!

“And that’s not all, all the youth want to talk to you about is, ‘did you shoot fire out of your eyes again today?’ and ‘how did you move that desk with your mind’ or even ‘That Miley Cyrus and her tuchus cause so much trouble!’ What happened to a nice ‘Hello Mrs. Kinsly, is Jimmy around to play?’ It’s like a whole different world now. And don’t get me started on their rock music!”

Ask a Former TEMS Worker!

Tuesday, September 8th, 2015

Jerry Fordam is a former TEMS ambulance worker, who in a fit of despair and loneliness joined the Vignette writing staff.

 

Dear Former TEMS Worker,

Hey Jerry. Approximately 4 minutes ago, I dropped a broken bottle in the living room and gouged my leg open. It’s bleeding really badly. Any tips for me? I’m really scared and need help.

Lisa

 

Dear Lisa,

Well, Lisa, thanks for asking! Time is really of the essence here, so you’re going to need to act quickly. Since I can’t be there right now, let me walk you through your problem using this horribly inefficient advice column… Apply direct pressure to the site of the wound. Now, Lisa, can you tell me a little bit more about the cut and how it was bleeding? Was the blood bright red and spurting or dark and oozing? Lisa? Are you there, Lisa? Lisa? Lisa, are you there? Lisa? Ah, well.

 

Dear Former TEMS Worker,

Hey Jerry, I’m allergic to peanuts, and my aunt just dropped off some baked goods, and I don’t think she knew. I had one brownie and suddenly broke out in hives. My face is swollen beyond recognition, and I can feel my airway is closing in, making it hard to breathe and I (chokes) … I (gags) (choking noises) gggrrghghghhrrrrrhqwhvhelpmepleaseohgodicantbreathelevfvlhef

Michael

 

Dear Michael,

Wow, That sure sounds like an allergic reaction if I’ve ever heard one described to me! This seems like a real emergency! What you’re going to want to do here is grab an epi-pen, pop the cap (make sure it’s not expired!) And then thrust it into your thigh in one swift motion, waiting about 10 seconds for the medication to fully administer. Now, do you have an Epi-Pen, Michael? Michael? Are you there Michael? Michael, are you there? It’s important that you do this quickly Michael, you don’t want to stop breathing! Michael…?
Dear Former TEMS Worker,

Todd: Hey Jerry. I’m new to this whole drinking thing. My roommate, Jordan, came back from going out. He looked a little drunk, and told me that he had a couple of beers. I should probably mention, we’re both underage, so it IS illegal for him to have been drinking. He’s asleep now, breathing normally, and keeps telling me to stop waking him up to check if he’s alive. What should I do in in this situation?

-Todd

 

Dear Todd,

Fuck you, Todd. Your roommate is fine.

 

 

President Fitts Calls Himself a “Sophomore,” Taunts Freshmen Mercilessly

Thursday, September 3rd, 2015

In a speech given during the living hell that is commencement, second-year President Mike “Michael” Fitts referred to himself as a “sophomore president.” Fitts noted that The Class of 2019 is Tulane’s largest and most impressive to date. However, he added that it was “sad and lame” that they will never drunkenly enjoy a slice of original Dough Bowl boot pizza at 2am in 2014 and are therefore “nerds and pledges.” Regardless of how smooth their transition into Tulane has been, everyone’s favorite teary-eyed administrator has gained a sophomore attitude that has left freshmen shivering in their boat shoes.


President Fitts has been seen parading around campus in last year’s “Reily Rocks” t-shirt audibly scoffing whenever he sees a freshman wear the newer version, “they’re like, literally fetuses,” said Fitts. Divest Tulane president Shelly Copenhagen recalls a bizarre meeting with the president: “We were supposed to be talking about fossil fuels or whatever Divest does, but he kept boasting about how chill Mayer is and how no one will ever be as crazy as last year’s Sharp 3.”

 
“Ugh, I remember being a freshman,” cried Fitts while sitting on the balcony of Irby, blasting mashups from speakers made of coolers. “Everything was different, man, these dweebs will never know what it’s like to eat at pre-baby blue Bruff or pass out from dehydration at the first home football game.” Fitts then claimed he was going to the Palms, but ended up at the Boot for what he promised would be his last fifty ever.