Monthly Archives: April 2015

Tulane Villagers Fear Mysterious Curse of “Rain”

As a wet substance fell from the heavens over the weekend, Tulane villagers were seen huddled inside of their cottages, cowering from the phenomenon known to Western scientists as “rain.”

“I do not know what this is. Perhaps a scourge from the days of old, haunting me from my home village of the Land of Cleve” said freshman Isabel Citadel from her rudimentary shelter known as ‘Patterson.’ “This heaven-water makes little sense to me” continued Citadel, citing the presence of palm trees, previously sunny weather, and her total ignorance of spring weather patterns in southern Louisiana.

As the watery curse sent villagers into a frenzy, many lamented the plague of precipitation through written word, attaching scribed parchment to the town Yak, and guiding the beast from household to household. “Oh lord, what be this wet shit? I believèd I have come to New Orleans for sunshine, not these sky-droplets,” read one note attached to the yak. Another popular note read, “Doth any maiden wish to watch Netflix and cuddle? For I am a lonesome squire :(((((.” The hieroglyph that followed this note is believed by anthropologists to signal “intense sadness.”

Although the presence of rain baffled younger members of the village, more wisened villagers were familiar with such occurrences and were happy to pass down oral histories. “Ah yes, I know of this rain,” said senior Tyler Lenol while chugging a mug of meade. “Tis that stuff which comes down and marks the changing of the seasons.” Lenol also noted that the rains signaled the beginning of the festival of Crawfest, “which continues to be inauspiciously planned during the only goddamn time of the year it rains.”

While Tulane villagers remained confused and fearful of the water falling from the sky, primitive inhabitants of the neighboring community of ‘Loyola’ were similarly confused by the existence of water falling from showerheads.

Freshmen Can’t Believe How Cool They’ve Become

Steph Jeeberman: I feel like a totally different person, I can’t wait to move into Phelps; the ‘Phirby’ community is so fun-loving, and I love the vintage flair of the rooms. I might not even need insta filters with that kind of lighting. So derelicte!

Chris Bartholomew: My work hard play hard motto means that I shotgun natties with my TA and throw up half digested Panda and Daq on my professor during office hours.

Stephen Pickens: I saw the Stall Street journal thing about career-tide or whatever and I was just like, wow, I like reading, I’m totally majoring in Humanitaries. Stall Street Journal changed my life.

Gretl Gray: I’m going on a service trip to Bolivia this summer, I’m just so excited to escape the shallow bullshit of corporate America and like, connect with myself and change the world. I just finished Spanish 2030 and I go to Zumba every week so I really identify with Latin American culture already. Viva la migra!”

Rabid Possum (not pictured): “I love living in Warren! It’s the best! Roll Wave!”