Archive for March, 2015

Op-Ed by the President: Vignette Representation of Quakers is Nuanced and Respectful

Thursday, March 26th, 2015

After I pressed send on my latest “View from Gibson” describing my attendance at the Shabbat, only one thing was running through my head: “Hey I wonder what kind of janky photoshop images will come from this announcement.” The Vignette understands that the image of a Quakers shouldn’t be limited to oatmeal packaging: I’m actually violently allergic to oatmeal and I am breaking out into hives just typing this op-ed. Quakers are doctors, lawyers, and Oprah impersonators. We’re husbands, neighbors, grandmothers, and sometimes all three of those things at once. We invented the Cadbury egg. We invented Pennsylvania. Fricking Herbert Hoover was a Quaker. It’s nice to know that the Vignette writers are making the most of the $20 that gets allocated to the history department every year.

Throughout my schooling and into my professional career I was teased mercilessly for two things: not crying enough and being a Quaker. While I’ve made steps to change the first thing, I will never be ashamed of my Quaker identity. I only hope that one day, all newspapers will have the tact and historical literacy of the Vignette.

Prez Fitts in Quaker History!

 

Big Fittsy as William PennPresident....Hoover???

Escaped “Senioritis” Patient Recovered After Infecting Several Happy Hours

Tuesday, March 24th, 2015

After a chaotic chase that involved police, doctors, and paramedics scouring greater New Orleans metropolitan area for an escaped patient suffering from “Senioritis,” the victim was finally found at a happy hour in the Lower Garden District drinking a nice saison beer.

The patient, who requested her name not be shared due to “being so fucking over it,” and whose name is Madi Nougat, has been suffering from the debilitating disease since August, 2014.

According to the Louisiana Department of Health, Senioritis has a wide range of symptoms, including but not limited to: prolonged bouts of ‘casual, but not too crazy’ drinking, sleeping until 10:30, bringing wine to class, eating Felipe’s whenever a patient goddamn wants to, scoffing at freshmen at The Boot, and making out with said freshmen at The Boot.

The Vignette talked to New Orleans Dept. of Public Health epidemiologist, Stephen F. Confounder regarding the severity of the disease and the escaped patient. “Senioritis is no laughing matter. Every year, up to 5,000 youths in the greater New Orleans area fall victim to the disease. And every year, people like Madi Nougat go and expose the disease to the population at various happy hours, wine bars, ‘the fly,’ and area porches at 3pm. Its absolutely reckless and irresponsible.”

Nougat was reached on her friend’s cool roof for a reply. “What-thefuck-ever, he’s probably just some kid who just took Intro to Public Health and thinks he’s an expert,” said Nougat, referring to the professional epidemiologist. “Anyways, I’m already late to meet Lindsay and John at The Blind Pelican for oyster happy hour, so I really don’t need to hear about this from a guy who is essentially a child.”

Madi Nougat was last seen blowing off her Intro to Acting class and sneaking champagne into orange juice at Satsuma Café before bleeding out of her eyes, vomiting blood, and collapsing due to a secondary infection of Ebola virus.

 

ANY AND ALL CASES OF SENIORITIS should be reported to the New Orleans Department of Health, which can be reached at 504-568-8313, or the Centers for Disease Control (CDC).

Very Excited to Debut our News Flash!

Thursday, March 19th, 2015

Vignette, Hullabaloo Writers Have Disastrous Mixer

Wednesday, March 11th, 2015

Over the weekend, the plucky and beautiful staff of The Tulane Vignette hosted the bourgeois “Hullabaloo writers” in the social event of the decade, the First Annual Reporter’s Hootenanny. The party was held in a large but upscale Garden District pothole, and featured the crème de la crème of the élite in college joúrnalism.

Hullabaloo editor Victoria Von Caviar stirred up some trouble when she tried to make a joke about President Fitts looking as if he was always crying. “That’s our territory, go take your mink tophat somewhere else, Von Caviar,” said Vignette writer, Stone D. Gutterman.

 

Esmée Van Der Ralphlauren was shocked and aroused by the Vignette writers’ infinite sex appeal and wise, yet revolutionary senses of humor after Vignette writer Chug Fudgeman showed her a photoshopped image of Dean McLaren farting onto a pile of cocaine.

“My ventricle! I am having an infarction!” Van Der Ralphlauren exclaimed before laughing to death.

Those weren’t the only Hullabaloo bloopers (Hullabaloopers™) of the night. At one point, a Hullabaloo reporter named Reginald Connecticut-Semicolon was even asked to leave on the premise of “too much typo editing.” When asked to comment on the disagreement, Vignette writer Mary Jane Chronic remarked , ” we at The Vignette pride ourselfs on our typos; Thats how you know our shit is real, raw and and comepletely uneditedf”.

The event was a “pot-luck” and according to social norms, every Vignette writer brought pot. However, like the bunch of gauche ninnies that they are, every Hullabaloo writer brought ‘food’. “It’s called a goddamn potluck, not a ‘foodluck’ jeez,” commented Joey “Nine-Fingers” O’Dingus. The Hullabaloo dishes were, according to Vignette writer Fartholomew Buttman, weird Pinterest food. The Vignette writers remained humble about their multiple Pulitzer Prize wins whilst Hullabaloo writers scooped up fondue with their monocles.

 

All was well in the end though. Vignette writers managed to eat everything in sight. When they ran out of food, the Vignette writers ate the entire Hullabaloo staff.

Tulane Student Accidentally Celebrates Purim

Tuesday, March 10th, 2015

In a classic “only at  Tulane” moment, student Zurab Baratashvili accidentally celebrated Purim alongside what the rabbinical community is calling “pretty much the rest of the college community.”  Baratashvili, a freshman, came to Tulane from Montana to play tennis. He had never met a Jewish person before in his life, although he noted that he had “eaten a donut before, and that’s kind of like a bagel.” However, it wasn’t long before he was celebrating the debaucherous holiday with more religious fervor than even the most observant member of the tribe.

 

After learning the nature of the holiday, Baratashvili took his role in the celebration very seriously. “It helped that I really had no idea who He-man or Malachi were in the first place,” he said, referring to Haman and Mordechai, the villain and hero of the Purim story. “But just to make sure that I definitely couldn’t tell them apart, I drank enough fireball to fuel like nine million menorahs.”

Hundreds of Tulane students took a journey off-campus to celebrate the holiday, which commands the Jewish people to drink and be merry.  “Zurab began to understand Judaism on a completely new level,” commented a local rabbi, who joined in at the Boot’s Purim celebration.  “Though he said he had never been exposed to Judaism, its as if he was drinking God’s tears of joy and then barfing them up, before rallying in the most holy of manners.”

The Vignette reached out to Johanan bar Nafcha, primary author of the Jerusalem Talmud about the situation. Nafcha approved of the hijinks and noted that Baratashvili’s keg stand at an off-campus party following his escapades at the Boot was “totally Talmudical, bro.”