Archive for February, 2015

Greenbaum Cooking Demonstration Will Feature “Legendary Pot Brownies”

Monday, February 23rd, 2015

In a Jackie Rouege-approved event to occur Tuesday, the Goldring Center kitchen in Greenbaum dorm will feature a cooking demonstration entitled “Riding the Green Wave: Pot Brownies and You.” Rouege hopes to improve the visibility of the Center’s food research by combining two Tulane favorites: “being a fatass and gettin stoney baloney.”

“Goldring Center’s brownies use the most pure form of bud I’ve ever tried,” said Rouege who reported being “blazed out of my gourd” at the time of interview. “The brownies melt in your mouth, and then your mouth melts into your throat, and then your throat melts into your lungs and you keep melting until you’re forced make peace with the God-King of gravity.”

The Center’s brochure features half-peeled bananas and chefs tossing quinoa salads, but the true culinary gem isn’t featured in the school’s pamphlet. Past attempts at programming for the Center have been well-intentioned but ultimately low attended. “No one wants to learn how to incorporate greens into your diet on a shoe-string budget, they just want to know how incorporate greens into their three-chamber bong without anything looking suspicious on Venmo,” said a giggling Rouege before looking panicked while a police siren went by. The Goldring Culinary Center hopes that attendance will surpass their most popular event thus far: a kissing booth with Oz.

President Fitts has been taking a hands-on approach in order to raise the profile of this cutting-edge facility, and indulges frequently in “Boot Dorm Brownies.” Raffi Real, a spokesperson for the president’s office confirmed the story. “He poured out his heart and soul into his words, and his words poured out of his mouth and filled the entire room, and the room lifted off and pranced into the smallest corners of the galaxy.” President Fitts, a true fan of the program, can be usually found doing somersaults in his office and wondering if Gibson can see anything from him

Tulane Senior Finally Meets Someone from Louisiana

Tuesday, February 10th, 2015

Yesterday, February 9th, senior Kevin Freet finally had the pleasure of meeting what he called “a certified Cajun real-life Louisianianana…”. While getting out of his car in Diboll, Freet noticed that the adjacent car’s license plate had a strange bird on it. “I asked what kind of dinosaur it was and it turns out it is a ‘pelican,’ the official state dinosaur of Louisiana.”

Freet’s new friend is named Brent Ng, a native of Slidell. “Yeah, I’m the token Louisiana-native for a lot of different groups. I tell them all what to wear for Mardi Gras, how much the streetcar cost, and where to pick up high school chicks on parade routes.” Ng added that his Northern friends, “teach me how to shop for winter coats and be an unapproachable asshole.”

Tulane is known for its geographic diversity. The class of 2018 boasts more students from New York and California than Louisiana. “Yeah, I got friends from all over,” reported Freet. “I’m from Jersey myself, but my friends are from everywhere. Outside of New York, outside of Philly, southern Connecticut, northern Delaware, and western Long Island. We even have one kid in the crew from the South, all the way down in Alexandria, Virginia! We call him ‘Southern Dan.’ He’s always cold, haha!”

Freet, a finance major, met every single one of his friends freshman year in Sharp and prefers to spend his time around campus bars, although they did venture out into the city once. “Yeah we tried to go to the Marigny one time, but we ended up in ‘the Metairie.’ It was still very jazzy, very authentic.” said Freet, who once spent a semester abroad in Madrid without meeting a single Spaniard.

Student Drinks Boot out of Business at Fifty Cent Night

Monday, February 2nd, 2015

    “The Boot”, once voted number one college bar in America, sadly closed its doors last Tuesday after sophomore Nick Harlow took enough fifty-cent shots to run the bar out of business.

 

“He took four million shots. Four million fucking shots dude– it was unreal: kid just kept knocking them back, that’s why he’s my boy. He’s a fucking champ, undefeated 4 million and 0,” said Harlow’s best friend and blossoming alcoholic Cole Melling. According to former Boot staff members, the bar loses about a quarter per shot, and their failure to throw Harlow out led to the million-dollar loss.

 

Harlow entered The Boot at 10 pm for the start of fifty cent night with a chip on his shoulder and an emptiness in his stomach that longed for excessive amounts of cheap fireball. He knew this was his night. Within an hour he had taken 2 million shots, and the Boot staff began to get nervous. The Tuesday night bartender, Chad Tannerson, recalled the situation: “We had to call up the fighter jets over at Jack Daniels to refuel; we had to get some fireball airdropped on the premises. The Boot was not about to go down without a fight. We do not negotiate with alcoholics.”

 

Once midnight struck, Harlow, 3 million shots deep, showed no signs of slowing down. Besides occasionally screaming about how he’s “The King of Boots!” and his tendency to fall out of his stool whenever friends left his side to pursue freshmen girls, Harlow was in control of himself, The Boot and all of New Orleans. The staff had to remove him. The Boot’s loyal patrons, not keen on seeing the historic night come to an end, circled around him to protect their savior from the army of attacking bouncers. The bouncers charged, but could not penetrate the wall of Vineyard Vine button-downs, distasteful crop tops and sexual frustration surrounding the hero. Eventually, the men at Jack Daniels refused to airdrop any more whisky after the Boot ran out of money, and was soon after forced to file bankruptcy.

 

The Boot, which was once the site of an accursed Indian burial ground, fell into bedlam. Nobody really remembers what happened next, but Yik Yak reports the scene was reminiscent of the fall of the Berlin Wall.

 

One Boot staff member recounted the chaos, “It was a fucking mess, we had no idea how to handle this kid. We were on the edge of bankruptcy, so in a last ditch attempt to salvage the company we reached out to the best in the business biz; but by the time we got to the graduate B-school and woke up all the sleeping Asians, it was too late.”

 

A candlelight vigil will be held in Delta Iota Kappa’s fraternity house. The Boot will be razed. A variety of developers have come of for solutions for the empty lot including: the site of a giant statue of Scott Cowan grabbing his balls, a space for Crepes a la Cart to expand so it can finally make some real goddamn pancakes, and for the site to stay under construction for 10 years like every other building in New Orleans that isn’t a football stadium.