Archive for January, 2015

Student Group Fights to Legalize Blow Jobs

Wednesday, January 28th, 2015

After learning on his newsfeed that blowjobs are actually technically illegal in the state of Louisiana, junior Bobby Walker decided to take matters into his own hands. Walker’s , Blowjobs: Always, Everywhere (BAE) has one goal: “to educate people about literally the worst thing that’s ever happened in Louisiana.”  BAE has planned lobbying events and other events to raise its profile. A  ‘blow in’ in Baton Rouge was scheduled for next week, but the members of BAE sadly reported that they couldn’t find enough participants who weren’t “totally lame.” “We’re a lot like Divest,” claimed BAE President Walker, “except we love blowjobs and also I don’t know what Divest it.”

The law, which is not currently being enforced by any legal entity, “is totally ruining our lives,” said Walker. The law also controversially bans gay sex, but the men of BAE appeared unfamiliar with such provisions. “If we ain’t talking blowies I don’t want to talk,” said BAE treasurer Graham Brooks, who has never talked to a girl in a non-group project setting.

The members of BAE come from all grades and social backgrounds, but they all seem to share similar sentiments. “Louisiana’s RS 14:89 section 89 is unfair and causing us to live in fear” proclaimed Tony Bayton, who is unaware that the law was rendered unconstitutional by the Supreme Court in Lawrence v. Texas.
The club meets almost every day to talk about their mission. “It’s the most of any org,” said SOC student worker Margaret Finlay, “they just sit over there and keep saying how they want to ‘enact real change.’” “Oh yeah , we really want to enact real change” said Walker as he glanced at his dick and then over at Finlay, “reeeaal change….”

Freshman Accidentally Joins Street Gang Instead of Fraternity

Sunday, January 25th, 2015

In a classic, “Only at Tulane, Only in New Orleans” mix-up, freshman Steven Morris recently discovered that he was accepted into the “Voodoo Boyz” gang, instead of the Delta Iota Kappa fraternity he intended to rush. The situation has been a hot topic of conversation, between both Interfraternity Council members and groups of guys shootin’ the shit outside Rite Aid. The Vignette secured an interview with Morris (now known as Blaze FivestarSwag) so he could attempt to explain the situation.

“You know, looking back on it I probably should have realized the guys I was hanging out with were not members of a Tulane fraternity. First of all they call each other ‘bruh’ instead of brother, and rush week was all about selling weed. Then, when I asked about GPA requirements, one of the bruhs responded ‘Yeah yeah we got GPA–Ganja Pushing Assessments,’” recalled Blaze as he adjusted the baggy, salmon-colored shorts that reached his ankles.

“The biggest sign I missed though was probably when they invited me to chill at their ‘trap house.’ It wasn’t until I got there I realized they meant trap house in the, ‘we sell crack cocaine’ sort of way and not the, ‘wanna-be fuckboy’ kind of way. Saying that out loud makes me wonder if these guys even actually go to Tulane…”

Blaze went on to explain that regardless of the legality of the Voodoo Boyz, he is happy with his newfound Bruhhood. He spoke highly of gang kingpin, Voodoo TopDoll, who promised to hook him up with some “real time connects in the biz” once Blaze proved his worth on the streets.

“Voodoo thinks I got potential, ya know for initiation I banged out some fool outside Snake & Jake’s and took his Benjamins” reported Blaze. “Only problem was the punk only had 7 bucks. I gotta put in more work if I wanna be top doll one day.” Blaze ended the interview by adding “Shoutout to my boy Biggie SmallHands, hope you get out real soon bruh we be missin’ yo little fingers back at the dollhouse.”

Blaze seemed unconcerned about losing out on fraternity-sorority connections, reciting Jay-Z’s lyric “I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one” when The Vignette brought up the topic. Finally, when asked how joining the Voodoo Boyz could coexist with his daily life at Tulane, Blaze responded “Fuck roll wave, Imma roll j’s.”

Sami Sparksweiner’s Study Abroad Travel Blog

Thursday, January 22nd, 2015

OMG! I absolutely cannot believe I’m embarking on this journey. Much like great writers and philosophers, I will be traveling to Paris, France. I’m seaux excited to meet other Americans that are also studying abroad so we can do totally authentic things together and pretend that we’re French!! Here are some other things that I’m way pumped to do this semester in list form, because apparently that’s the only way society can handle information anymore!! LOL!!

  1. Eat tons of French Fries. “When in Rome,” right?? (oops, I meant “When in France!”)
  2. Sit in a cute little French café while reading fine literature, like TotalSororityMove.com.
  3. Eat croissants with Nutella. This is the only country where those items are available so I better make it count, right?!?
  4. Go to the Louvre gift shop to buy a beret, and Instagram the Mona Lisa while I’m there! Then instagram myself !
  5. Instagram selfies with the caption, “Oh, just a typical day in France!”
  6. Instagram everything. Even things that are completely the same as in America.

Yayy, I’m so totally excited for all of these fun things, and I expect to be a completely changed woman when I come back! To all of my fans: don’t worry, I’ll keep this blog updated with info that only my mom cares about! To all of my haters: keep hating, and I’ll keep doing me. 😉

“Paris is always a good idea” – Audrey Hepburn (also me, LOLS!)

Donnie Waltham’s DEFINITIVE “Best Sandwich Ever” List

Tuesday, January 20th, 2015

Hey there. Hey! Hey you! What the fuck? What the fuck are you eating? A sandwich? You’re calling that a fucking sandwich? Fuck you! Thats not a sandwich! That’s an abortion between two slices of yeast infection. Fuck off. There are only three sandwiches in this world:

  1. The Reuben sandwich. Does that abomination you’re stuffing down your fat gullet have cheese, pastrami, rye bread, thousand island dressing, and sauerkraut? Does your goddamn “sandwich” have any of those fucking ingredients? No? Fuck you! Go eat a dick!
  2. The BLT. It only takes three ingredients to make a good sandwich. If you need any more than that you are worse than every dictator. Except Leopold II. That guy knew how to fucking run things. But you, you can fuck off, you venereal disease. Bacon. Scumbag. Lettuce. Douche. Tomato. Dickhead. Bread. Where are those strippers.
  3. The Cuban sandwich. I don’t give a shit who’s in charge of that island. Fidel? Fuckdel, thats more like it. That bearded whore doesn’t know anything about anything. Except these god damn sandwiches. This guy is a genius. A true visionary. Pulled pork, ham, cheese, onions, bread. Press until flat. Goes great with a salad. But what the fuck do you know? You parasitic tapeworm. You waste of oxygen. Jesus, are you awful.

Do you see? Do you see now? You are dirt. You are FUCKING dirt. I swear to all that is holy don’t you ever look at another sandwich ever again. Stick to your risotto. Or whatever the fuck you eat. Fuck you.

Hey, does anyone have any more coke?

Donnie Waltham is the Tulane Vignette’s sandwich correspondent, and has been working at Jimmy John’s for three years.