Last Wednesday evening proved to be very fruitful for sophomore Michael Goldblum. Michael wasn’t expecting much when he Yik-Yakked, “So high not even God can touch me.” But what started out as an ordinary Yak, quickly turned into a life calling for this inspired student.
“I mean at first I was just flattered,” Michael explained from his Phelps “inspiration den” (the bathroom). “Once I started getting into the 80’s for upvotes though, that’s when I realized I have a gift. My parents don’t really understand, but I don’t expect them to. The life of an artist is a lonely, misunderstood one.”
Due to the anonymity of Yik Yak, Michael has had trouble gaining the recognition he desires. When a randomly selected student was interviewed about Michael he responded, “Who? Oh, I remember that Yak, I read that while I was shitting in the LBC. I chuckled.”
Michael has resorted to guerilla marketing strategies as a means of getting noticed. His most recent tactic was to sit outside PJ’s and yell, “Pssst! So high not even God can touch me, right? Funny stuff, right?” to confused customers, while winking fiercely.
One of Michael’s friends and suitemates, Connor Wilson, is starting to get fed up with Michael’s behavior. “He just sits in his room and alternates between smoking weed and cigarettes. But whenever I ask him to hang out, he claims he’s busy and that I wouldn’t understand because I’m not a writer.”
Michael was last seen in front of the arts building, wearing all black and drinking whiskey to “combat the troubles of a tortured artist.”