Monthly Archives: November 2014

Freshmen Excited To Show Off New Orleans-centric Personality to Friends, Family Over Thanksgiving

With the Thanksgiving holiday coming up, Pat Callahan, a freshman here at Tulane, can’t wait to go home and catch up with his “Yankee” friends.


“Ooh boy, I just can’t wait to go home”, said Callahan, from what he calls his “Shotgun” Sharp dorm. “its gonna be great to just hang out with my friends after so long. I mean, I’ve learned so much living in New Orleans, I just feel like a local.”


“Its just like, hey, I know y’all [Callahan’s friends and relatives] are just a bunch of fast-talkin’, fast-walkin’ Yankees, but I got the voodoo spirit of NOLA running through my veins, so why don’t y’all come down ‘Naaawlins way and I’ll show you a real pot of gumbo” said Pat, speaking in a noticeable cajun accent. “The boudin is hot, but the jazz is hotter. Mardi Gras!”


In only three months time, Pat has not only vomited on Bourbon Street like a true local, but has worn Mardi Gras beads every day since arriving.


“Do I love New Orleans? Well, allow me to answer that question with another question. Do the Pelican love mudbugs? Do the cypress grow tall and strong? Yes sir, I love New Orleans. It’s as much of a part of me as the resurrection fern that grows thick on the oaks. Who Dat!”


After approximately three minutes of chanting “Who Dat” to no one in particular, Callahan proceeded to don a tall top hat decorated with bones, and started playing “When The Saints go Marching In” on a trumpet.


“It ain’t always easy though”, Callahan said woefully. “We still feel the pain that hurricane Kristina [Katrina] dumped on our doorsteps. But with the bayou spirit, and just a bit of jambalaya, I know we can all make it through”, said Callahan, while standing upon a large float and twirling a frilly umbrella.


“Well, I best be going now. As they say, I got a lot of beignets to eat, but I only got so much powdered sugar. Besides, Saint Jean Lafitte deBayoux Carondelet [Callahan’s pet alligator] needs walking. Laissez les bon temps rouler!”

Tulane Electronic Dance Music Services (TEDMS) Turn Back of Ambulance into Rave

With the upcoming Gambit rankings of the best nightclubs in the city, Tulane Electronic Dance Music Service (TEDMS), the TEMS ambulance turned nightclub, hopes to be in consideration for the top spot.

Senior Graham Fisher, the guy who turns on the TEMS ambulance siren, is the medical genius behind Tulane’s freshest dance trend. He describes his sound as a “daft puke-y mix of life-threatening emergencies and samples that are as fucking sick as his passengers.”

“I really got into it my junior year,” continued Fisher, “it all started this one time, when I turned on the siren and the guy we were transporting kept yelling about how rad that drop was.”

Over the past year, the club has evolved to become a quintessential part of the TEMS experience. Fisher went on to explain, “We rewired the ambulance light so it flashes on the inside to create a funky acid-house atmosphere. Dancing is old news, shit, my grandma did that—tequila shots and gurney dancing is where it’s at. ”

Sophomore Hannah Phelps praised the club, saying, “I got TEMS’d quite a few times freshman year, and it was kinda cool, but nothing I’d really look forward to. Now every Friday I get shitfaced at FAQ so I can go straight to TEDMS. It’s just the safest place to do Molly.”

Not everyone is a fan of the new nightclub though. Freshman John Coveney complained, “I broke my wrist in a flag football game yesterday, but when I got into the ambulance everyone was all sweaty and dancing to this ‘wub wub’ music. I got so overwhelmed I started crying and the TEMS guy just said, ‘Can you be a little louder? I’m tryna sample that shit.””

Girl Went as a Cat for Halloween, Can’t Stop

This Halloween, sophomore Margaret Nelson wanted to throw it back to a classic costume and go as a black cat.

“But, like, I wasn’t one of those girls who wore a cheetah print shirt from the back of her closet, made it slutty and called it a day, I was waaaaay different. I had a black leotard and black tights and I drew whiskers and a cat nose on my face with eyeliner! And get this: I even wore cat ears,” explained Nelson as she pulled out a picture of herself, a tiger, and catwoman on Frenchman street.

Since that night, Nelson has not taken off the ensemble. Nearly two weeks after Halloween, Nelson still dutifully draws on her whiskers and nose every morning before class and retrieves her cat ears from their shelf in her Warren bathroom. Her friends are becoming concerned.

“I mean it was definitely weird at first,” said Nelson’s suitemate Rae Abbott, “but it’s only gotten weirder. She sleeps in that leotard and tights. A couple days ago we tried to talk to her about it but she just hissed at us and hid behind a curtain.”

According to Tulane psychology professor Gary Margarine, Nelson could be compensating for the recent loss of her cat Sushi. “In extreme cases of grief, people sometimes try to find things to replace their loved ones. I just worry that Ms. Nelson is beyond the point of no return. There is a chance she could remain like this forever,” Professor Margarine gravely explained as a single tear ran down his cheek (“I’m allergic to cats.”).

But according to Greta Scheinberg, the chair of the Voodoo department, there may be another explanation for Nelson’s activities: “Voodoo?”

“Oh, wait yeah it was probably Voodoo,” purred Nelson. “I chanted ‘All hail Bastet, the might God of campus cats’ under a full moon in the Carrollton graveyard after finishing off my vodka/gin/sprite-filled water bottle. I felt the spirit go inside of me and now I can’t get it out no matter what I do.” Nelson can be found chasing birds on the Sophomore Quad and staring at herself in the mirror for hours whispering ‘what have I done.’



Crime of the Century: Sophomore Smuggler Discusses Beer-In-The-Backpack Racket

Speaking to press for the first time from his isolated cell in a maximum security prison, sophomore Jake Generowitz finally discussed his underground beer-smuggling racket with the Vignette.


“I guess they finally caught on, those pigs,” said Generowitz, from behind a pane of bulletproof glass. “Took them long enough. I mean, it was genius. The beer was in the backpack. I walked right by them every time”


Generowitz agreed with the Vignette to discuss his method of smuggling beer from the Boot Store back to his dormitory, Phelps Hall. “It was real easy, real sweet. I’d buy the beer, tip the cashier a little dough for keepin’ his mouth shut, and be on my way. Meanwhile, I’d have a couple cronies waiting outside to pack the goods in backpacks. We’d load up the booze, and walk back across campus real smooth, sometimes even stopping for a chat with a dim-witted RA before heading back into my room for distribution.”


According to chief RA Jan Belinski, the force was just waiting for the right time to make their move. “We knew it was Generowitz the whole time… We just didn’t know how. Putting something like beer where school supplies usually go… cold blooded. God have mercy. God have mercy on us all.”


So how did Generowitz end up in prison, The Vignette asked.


“Well, we were just going to refer him to basics, but then he started screaming about being ‘the goddamn king of Tulane’ and threw a brick at a freshmen. So, we decided to lock him up for his own good”, responded Belinski.


Asking for any final words, Generowitz responded “I’m the goddamn King of Tulane. You can’t fuck with the king. You can’t fuck with him! Eat my brick!”