Archive for October, 2014

Colleges on Women’s Rights: “Eh”

Wednesday, October 29th, 2014

Over the past few months, colleges around the country have joined together to respond loud and clear to the issues of sexual abuse, sexism, and patriarchy on campuses: “Eh.”

“Whaaaaat, noooooo of course we care,” Dean Redmond, Dean of all colleges commented to Vignette reporters in an official statement. “Just in like a, ‘I care about the fact that constantly raising tuition will inevitably cause fewer people to attend college, and those who do will be in crippling debt’ sort of way… passively.”

After repeated, and repeated, then repeated again sexual assault crimes this year on college campuses across the country, collegiate scientists have been working day and night to find a way to both restore their public image and make money.

“Let’s make a month for it!” Redmond was overheard yelling from his private office. “We can do that, right? Make a month? That works, right? What does the NFL do? They’re so good at shit like this.”

“Haha, we control the media!” Roger Goodell yelled from the 18th hole of his golf course made of gold, broken dreams, and drunk power. “When someone speaks out against me, we suspend them! If anyone so much as mentions my name in the same sentence as ‘beating,’ ‘domestic abuse,’ or ‘woman,’ their ass is out!”

Colleges have tried what they’re calling “everything.” From handing out whistles, to making sure women put the whistles handed out on their key chains, even so much as sending out an email reminding women that they have whistles to protect them.

“This will blow over,” Dean Redmond concluded. “Hahaha, blow.”

Why Your Business is My Business; and How Business is Business So Don’t Take it Personally

Monday, October 27th, 2014

 The following is the Intro Chapter to Senior Business Major Daniel Spielman’s Newest Self Help Business Know-How Book

 

Question: Why is truth, truth? “Because it’s fact,” you might say, “because I’m not lying,” others might add. Wrong. Trick question. Rules number 4-10 of business: there is no such thing as a question, unless you’re being tricked.

Hello. My name is Daniel Spielman, I’m a graduating business student from the A.B. Freeman School of Business here at Tulane University, and over my intensive four years at this fine program I’ve become a damn good damn business man, dammit. It’s about due time I think about my legacy, hence the book. Folks, I’m here to tell you – Business is like beating a dead horse; don’t forget to bring your golf clubs.

Listen kiddo, if there’s one thing I’ve learned about business it’s that I’ve learned multiple things about business. And let me tell you: if you’re not givin’ the business, you’re gettin’ it. Chew on that. Boom.

Boom boom boom.

After reading this book, you’ll be a business expert as well. I cover everything, from Chapter 1: Boom; How to Boom your Business into Booming, to  Chapter 6: You Are What You Dress, and Eating to Impress, even to Chapter 9: “Money” and Other Vague Terms in Quotations.

This book isn’t just comprehensive, it’s all knowing. There’s only one way to teach an idea: with a colon right before it. Teaching business reminds me of a quick anecdote about a disheveled freshman giving away free cupcakes in the quad. I know, how ironic for a business lesson to be had at the hands of someone so clearly awful at business!

As the, what I can only assume was a dirty communist, was giving away free cupcakes I had a thought: he could probably be making way more money if he were selling those cupcakes. Selling. Buying. I’m speaking in riddles, I know. But if there’s one thing I know about business, it’s that riddles are confusing. So let me clarify.

You see, business is like a tree. If you don’t water it, it will die, and if it dies you can probably sell out for large sums of money whilst screwing over all of your partners and employees.

We start this book, as all worth-while books begin: With a pun.

So, friends, drop the casual and lets a-dress business.

Greenbaum Freshman Knows All of Your Secrets

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2014

Nancy Holmes applied to live in Greenbaum this summer for the suite style bathrooms. She never expected to receive a gateway to all of the personal lives of Tulane students as well.

 

“When they put me on the Boot side of the dorm, I was pissed at first,” Holmes admitted. “I still have to put in earplugs to fall asleep every night. It wasn’t until one night though, when I cracked my window to get some fresh air, that I realized I could see and hear everyone’s secrets. Now I am God.”

 

Holmes graciously told us a few of her most interesting experiences in an interview beside the infamous window. “Last month I overheard the quarterback say he was going to purposely lose the Duke game for an 8ball. I also saw my Chinese 1010 professor leave the Boot with the class slacker. I always wondered why he wasn’t dropping the class; now that mere mortal can bow down to me. I am the third revelation.”

 

Holmes has even witnessed a fight between two girls over how many evens they can’t. “It was Jenny Thompson and Erica Jones from Mo 6. Jenny put up a nice fight, but Erica’s left hook is killer. So yeah, that bruise on her neck isn’t a hickey… or isn’t just a hickey, it’s a hickey on top of a bruise. Fear me.”

 

Toward the end of our interview, Holmes proudly showed us her photo collage, consisting of freshman girls taking care of a puking senior frat bro, the president of the Vegan Club eating a slice of pepperoni pizza, and, Holmes’ favorite, a salsa dancing demonstration featuring two members of the ballroom dancing club.

 

“I am omnipotent and omniscient,” Holmes commented. “I am God.”

 

Holmes’ novel “Humans” of the Boot (HOB) will be published in November.

Gamliel Advice

Monday, October 13th, 2014

Gamliel Advice is written by Rabbi Gamliel Ben Moshe, a 16th century Prague Rabbi

(more…)

Six Signs You Go To Tulane!

Monday, October 13th, 2014

Have you ever wondered, “Am I a Tulane student?” or, “Do I really belong at Tulane?” or, “Why didn’t dad ever come home from the grocery store?” If so, than this list will definitely answer those questions! These things are unique to Tulane students and Tulane students only – NO outsiders allowed, LOL!

(more…)

Tulane Campus Continues to Ban Tobacco, Cocaine Still A.O.K

Monday, October 6th, 2014

After last year’s big news that Tulane University would be turning into a Tobacco Free Campus, reports indicate that Tulane plans on upholding their fight against tobacco, but cocaine is still just “part of the culture.”

“My cousin has had a long battle with smoking hookah, so this is a cause that is especially close to my heart,” commented pleased junior Elizabeth Ehrlich “Smoking is a bad habit, it endangers not just yourself but everyone around you as well. At least when my friend Sarah and I are doing blow in the handicap stall of whatever club, bar, or administrative building we are in, the handicapped person we barged in on can still finish their shit in peace.”

Not everyone though, is such a fan of the new tobacco laws on campus. Sophomore Phelps resident Jacob Barwell even went so far as to start a new student group protesting the decision.

“Listen, smoking is a fundamental right,” Barwell preached from his half balcony-half hallway podium outside his Phelps door. “Smoking is like vomiting behind a dumpster, or signing up for a mail order bride service as a bride to combat your crippling loneliness—you only do it when you’re drunk. Since I spend 90% of the time I’m drunk on campus, it would follow that I should be able to smoke while I wait and see if Igor shows interest in my foreginbrides.com profile.”

When asked about whether they could see a campus wide ban on cocaine coming anytime soon, Tulane officials merely patted us on that back, laughed, and said “Only at Tulane, Only in New Orleans.”