Over the past few months, colleges around the country have joined together to respond loud and clear to the issues of sexual abuse, sexism, and patriarchy on campuses: “Eh.”
“Whaaaaat, noooooo of course we care,” Dean Redmond, Dean of all colleges commented to Vignette reporters in an official statement. “Just in like a, ‘I care about the fact that constantly raising tuition will inevitably cause fewer people to attend college, and those who do will be in crippling debt’ sort of way… passively.”
After repeated, and repeated, then repeated again sexual assault crimes this year on college campuses across the country, collegiate scientists have been working day and night to find a way to both restore their public image and make money.
“Let’s make a month for it!” Redmond was overheard yelling from his private office. “We can do that, right? Make a month? That works, right? What does the NFL do? They’re so good at shit like this.”
“Haha, we control the media!” Roger Goodell yelled from the 18th hole of his golf course made of gold, broken dreams, and drunk power. “When someone speaks out against me, we suspend them! If anyone so much as mentions my name in the same sentence as ‘beating,’ ‘domestic abuse,’ or ‘woman,’ their ass is out!”
Colleges have tried what they’re calling “everything.” From handing out whistles, to making sure women put the whistles handed out on their key chains, even so much as sending out an email reminding women that they have whistles to protect them.
“This will blow over,” Dean Redmond concluded. “Hahaha, blow.”