In a unanimous decision during a TEMS board meeting last week, the emergency medical service voted to close last weekend in order to host the university’s first purge.
The idea was first brought up by foreign language professors who were tired of being asked how to translate TEMS when the students were describing their weekends in class. After 48 hours without emergency services, however, the university still consists of the same population as before.
TEMS senior James DeMonica is extremely disappointed with the results of the weekend. “82% of students that I have treated have already received our services. If these students were eliminated last weekend, I could have been able to actually kick back and enjoy a brew on Saturday nights instead of driving incompetent children to the hospital.” DeMonica shook his damn head after noting that students were actually taking care of each other last weekend. “I saw some floor mates actually hold back a girl’s hair as she vomited six beers and a slice of boot pizza on the side of McAlister. Since when do kids actually give a fuck about each other?”
Admissions staff member Steve Red had such great expectations for consequences of a purge. “After the university eliminates all of the slackers, our average GPA will sky rocket, making our school look much more desirable for prospective students. But since the failure of the purge, I have to resort back to bragging about Mardi Gras to our prospects. Couldn’t these kids have just acted like normal Americans, put on animal masks and partook in this tradition as old as Thanksgiving?”
It has been confirmed that in order to encourage a successful purge for next year, President Fitts is offering up his home for next year, providing free handles of Jack, 54 kegs, and an assortment of medieval weaponry just to make things interesting.
This past Saturday, September 20, after another classic Tulane loss at the hands of Duke University, Tulane students were startled to see that Tulane had actually played a game. Looking curiously at game highlight on the morning news, they mumbled, “oh yeah… football.”
“Tulane was playing in a game? Last Saturday? You’re sure? I definitely did not see this on Yik Yak.” continued freshman Tulane sports fanatic Edward Thumbutton. “Do people know about this? There could be drinking centered around this! This could be an awesome time, Tulane should really advertise.”
Tulane continues to ask students everywhere to tune into football games. Michael Fitts, Tulane’s president, who officially changed the Tulane motto to “We have a football team,” has even canceled class Friday to reinstate his own, campus wide class session of “Sit the fuck down and watch the goddamn football game; we cut department funding for this.”
When asked if he remembered attending both Tulane home games this month, Thumbotton responded, “Oh, I guess so. I just kind of remember doing my weekly Saturday morning Keg stand at my buddy John’s house and then… waking up in my bed the next morning.”
The Green Wave football team, who now have a record of 1 and I don’t even know, come home next week to what is sure to be a packed Yulman Stadium.
“Of course I’ll go to that game!” Thumbutton yelled excitingly while simultaneously texting his buddy, “A One! A Two! A….Tulane!”
This past Saturday, the honors freshman dormitory formerly known as Butler Hall was buzzing with excitement as President Fitts unveiled the dorm’s new name, Richard Gunn House. Butler was renamed in honor of first-year student Richard Gunn, who had sexual intercourse in Butler’s (previously ironic) sex dungeon, Room 220, the previous Friday.
“I think I speak for all of us at Tulane when I say that I am incredibly proud of Mr. Gunn. I hope other honors students can follow his example. God knows we need to compensate for all those Sharp boys entering the gene pool” said President Fitts as he handed Richard a personal gift, a whimsical pair of his own boxer shorts that reads “STUD” across the buttocks with arrows pointing toward the crotch.
Gunn met his sexual partner, Joelle Goldenstein, after she tried to steal a slice of pizza from the Science and Engineering Honor Society mixer. Goldenstein swooned at the sight of Gunn’s new Apple smart-watch, and her heart fluttered as he told her “My dad works for Apple, so I like could maybe get you one before it comes out…if that’s like you know something you’d think is cool I guess.”
Even the most veteran Butler residents were perplexed at the thought of an act of coitus taking place in their residency. “Two years ago I walked in on a Loyola girl giving a student an over-the-pants handy in the laundry room, but I never could have imagined someone would get laid in here. Actually, I imagined it pretty often but usually it was me and the hot library gir-wait are you still writing this down? Dude, don’t publish that. Come on. Please? Bro she’ll be so creeped out come on. Fuck you then, no one reads your shitty paper anyway,” commented Jeremy Johnson, who is in his third year as a Butler RA.
In the RG 2 common room the auction of Richard’s no-longer-needed pocket pussy reached a winning bid of 25 Bruff swipes, unlimited use of Captain Falcon in the floor’s Super Smash Bros tournaments, and an agreement to stop referring to Joelle as “Dick’s little shiksa goddess.”
After initial Facebook posts last saturday, September 6, commented that Tulane had become a “football school, roll wave!” New reports have come to light indicating that might be pushing it.
“Sure it was fun, but c’mon,” commented jaded senior Anya Aronson. “Just last year my best friend dated a football player, and didn’t know until the fourth date. I mean, our fight song originated from Dr. Seuss’s alcoholic blue period.”
The general New Orleans population continues to be confused by the new Yulman Stadium, and football culture at Tulane, referring to last weekend as “Tulane Football Fest.”
When asked if he would attend the Tulane game this weekend, cultural New Orleans icon Papa Okra responded, “You mean the S.E Louisiana game? Can’t wait!”
Tulane freshman Ryan Shmalker though, continues to stand tall for Tulane football.
“Tulane is ready!” Shmalker yelled after finishing his third shotgunned Natty, quoting the new ESPN college football commercial Tulane sacrificed half its scholarship money to be a part of. “Tulane football is back! Who cares that we lost? No one even remembers the end of the game… I blacked out at halftime Tequila shots.”
Shmalker went on to explain his love of all the new Tulane football drinking traditions, such as halftime tequila shots, 3rd down tequila shots, touchdown tequila shots, and everyone’s favorite, timeout tequila shots.
Scott Cowen, still raking in a shit ton of money from retirement benefits, as of yesterday September 7, is still actively trying to seduce your sweet, innocent bubby numerous reports indicate.
“Save your next trip to Publix grandma!” Cowen was seen screaming while throwing hundreds from the back of his yacht he had shipped to your sweet, made you breakfast when you were little, bubbys driveway. “I got your toilet paper right here! Right here! Get it? I use money as toilet paper, cause I’m so fucking rich. I still get paid more than English professors.”
Cowen, the former Tulane president, who had a street and sex position too disgusting to explain named after him, is still raking in thousands of dollars a year from the university where he no longer works, being cited as the most ridiculous party favor in the history of professional benefits.
“Your Bubby?” Cowen asked when being interviewed by Vignette reporters last week. “Oh, you mean the broad from last Tuesday. Yeah, she made a mean kuegel if you know what I mean, and I know you do, that’s all she goddamn talks about. ”
Your bubby, the one who watched you go from swaddled infant to strapping man in what seemed like a heartbeat, has been unable to reach, as Cowen has taken her on a vacation to the Keys where she has no service.
“Don’t worry about it, I got it from here” Cowen snickered as he put on his aviator sunglasses and ripped off his loose fitting chino pants to reveal a neon green undersized speedo as he got into his private helicopter, “I’ll show her a good time. Heh.”
New freshman celebrity Sombrero “Sombrero Kid” Kid, despite enjoying his new college fame, still lies in bed at night thinking about the one who got away, Laura Stevens, reports indicated early Saturday morning.
“Of course, I’m onto bigger and better things now,” Sombrero Kid quietly stated to reporters in the foyer of his 10 bedroom Sharp mansion, whilst sipping on smooth whiskey and playing with his ascot. “I just can’t help but wonder what would have happened… you know, if I had stayed with Laura, to raise our three children and be the stable male figure she always needed in her life… oh well!”
This news comes at a tumultuous time, as Sombrero Kid is reported to have just signed a three-year contract to his hit new reality T.V show “Livin with ‘Brero”. The show gives us a deeper look at character we know so little about, answering such questions as “Why?” “How?” “Why?” And “how will the New Orleans Bounce-music scene adjust to such a character?”
“Most of all, the show will revolve around the anxiety I feel everyday.” Sombrero Kid told us in an exclusive interview. “People know I’m a sombrero kid… but people rarely see the pressures I put on myself to become the Enchilada Adult that I dream of.”
While Sombrero Kid still thinks about Laura, even days after their last interaction, he knows there’s no time to live in the past, stating that Laura is probably “Better off, without the millions of dollars” that he stands to be making next year.
After much thought and consideration, the incredibly large staff that brings you the Tulane Vignette has decided to come back this semester in full—HOLY SHIT stop the recording, stop transcribing what I’m saying, Oh my god.
The Vignette, a satirical newspaper that has been around for over two years now, decided this past Thursday that holy Christ Lenny what did you do, what the fuck did you just do…
What do you mean you did nothing? YOU CALL THAT NOTHING, LENNY YOU GODDAMN FARCE? No, no—don’t be a fuckin tattle Lenny, we can’t call the police now we’re too far in—YEAH BUT OUR FINGERPRINTS ARE EVERYWHERE.
You see what we have to do now Lenny? You see the shit I do for you- hey, HEY—I will always be there for you Lenny. Listen, I’ll go pull my car around, I’ll pop the trunk, and we can take this one step at a time… nice and slow… ok? Say OK Lenny, I need you to verbally say OK to me, right now… ok. Great.
This stays between you, me, and Lisa, ok? No one ever has to—holy shit is that thing still recording? LISA IS THAT STILL RECORDING?? You Need to shut that fuc—
Vignette writers report that this year will be bigger than ever, with our same brand new articles and semi recycled jokes. Enjoy!