Archive for January, 2014

Chicago Kid Detaches Retina Rolling Eyes About Snow Day

Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

Yesterday, January 27, Chicago sophomore Summer Bernstein literally detached a retina rolling her eyes about the upcoming snow day.

Bernstein, a native of Elk Grove, Illinois, was seen hyperventilating outside Bruff right before the incident occurred.

“I don’t think she even realized what happened,” commented concerned witness Perry Perlis. “She was walking around, violently ripping her clothes of and yelling about how ‘the summer months in Chicago aren’t this nice.’ It wasn’t until someone came over and told her that she no longer had any control over her retina that she was able to calm down long enough to call TEMS.”

Bernstein, who spent her winter-break ‘drinking piña colatas outside while doing nude snow angels’, is a self proclaimed ‘snow day expert’ having been a part of so many back home.

“It is literally negative fifty-four degrees in Chicago right now, people are walking around barefoot,” Bernstein yelled, clearly losing her sanity, as the TEMS ambulance took her to the closest hospital, “Th-this is sunbathing weather, I don’t wait for cars to stop when I cross the road… Seers tower, and, and, Casmir Pulaski day…Mike Ditka.”

Summer is now being kept in the mental ward of Ochner Baptist along with the Tulane students from Wisconsin, Massachusetts, and Minnesota.

Sorority Gives Bid to Potted Plant

Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

After much hubbub on Monday, the sisters of Delta Iota Kappa, also known as DIK, was “super effing excited” to welcome their newest member of the sorority, Fern. “Fern has all of the qualities that we’re looking for,” commented one of the DIK sisters. “She’s super skinny, and she’s got the personality we like to see here at DIK. Also I’m pretty sure she’s diverse.” Congrats, Fern! We here at The Vignette know that you’ll fit right in!

she's a little slutty but in a good way