Monthly Archives: November 2013

Jonah Hill Just Here for Pity Sex

Movie star Jonah Hill sat down yesterday with the Vignette to discuss filming his new movie 22 Jump Street on Tulane’s campus. “It’s been crushingly lonely here on set,” laughed funnyman Hill. “Let’s be honest, Channing Tatum is a God among men and I look like someone’s cousin visiting from Brandeis.”

Twenty-nine year old Hill has been seen around campus hob-nobbing with fellow actors Tatum and Ice Cube, shooting scenes all around campus, and desperately trying to get girls to notice him. “I’ve probably spent about a hundred hours at the Boot so far,” Hill revealed with a laugh after finishing his third 40 of the day. “At this point, I’ve started telling girls that I’ll give them Channing’s phone number if they’ll kiss me on the cheek.”

Sophomore Jill Goldfine is one of the many students excited about the star power that 22 Jump Street is bringing to campus. “Jonah Hill? Yeah I think he’s in my Jewish Civ class. He tried to tell me that he met Johnny Depp one time.” Goldfine recounted having asked the Oscar-nominated actor about an upcoming quiz at which point he started silently crying.

For a superstar such as Hill, it’s no surprise that fans flock to him. “I did end up getting with a girl, but it turns out that she thought I was Seth Rogan. She kicked me out of her dorm and I ended up getting lost in Aron and sleeping on one of the benches.”

It’s anyone’s guess as to what’s in store next for the rising star, although Hill has some ideas of his own: “Probably Loyola girls.”