According to a recent poll of trees around the university’s campus taken by Tulane’s Department of Tree and Bush Life, an astounding 100 percent of other trees think that the Mardi Gras tree is an attention-seeking whore. This represents a twenty-point increase from last month’s poll. The Vignette interviewed several of these other trees to try and make sense of the jump.
“Everyone is just finally starting to see that she’s like, totally overrated,” commented Rachel, a cypress tree with prominent views on the matter. “I mean, she was wearing last season’s beads for a full year. The other trees were starting to notice.”
“I used to think she was cool but then she started acting like a total diva,” remarked Emily, Rachel’s equally opinionated palm tree friend. “Like, people say that I’m just as pretty as her but she really flaunts her shit and that’s why she gets so much attention. It’s all smoke and mirrors.”
The Mardi Gras tree, however, seemed unfazed by this poll when asked to make a statement. “Rachel and Emily have always been jealous of me ever since Daddy decided to get me the limited addition Marc Jacobs beads for Hanukkah. It’s like they can’t get their own life so they have to try and turn everyone against me. Oh well, even bad publicity is good publicity.”
Regardless of the poll, there has been little to no change between the trees’ dynamic. One speculator seems to think that this could be because “talking shit about each other is nothing new in the tree community.” However, a confidential source has divulged that there could be a sex tape scandal in store for the Mardi Gras tree that will really shake things up. Only time will tell if the trees will be able to remain frenemies through all of this.
Three days ago, October 21, sophomore student Rod Higgins filed a missing persons report for his good friend Bobby Paterson, who has not been seen since entering Aron, Tulane’s tenement-style dorms, at the beginning of the year.
“It was going to be great, he said I could come over whenever,” reported a worried Higgins in his report. “He kept bragging about having a full kitchen, that he would never have to leave. Then as soon as we got to school, it’s like he dropped off the face of the planet. No texts, no phone calls, no facebook updates. I don’t know what to think.”
Higgins went looking for his friend when he stopped responding, “It wasn’t human. As I walked up to the complex, the iron bars creaked open to show the overgrowth of what was inside. The plants hadn’t been cut in year, when I walked in, it was like the sun hadn’t shined in years. I walked into my friend’s apartment and knew immediately something was wrong. The light fixtures were flickering and hanging from the ceiling… the walls were painted with glow in the dark finger paint… I heard muttering coming from a room to the right, and when I looked closer I saw what looked like a feral child scratching a table wearing nothing but a singlet whispering to himself ‘good is what happy does’. When I got closer we made eye contact, and he scurried into a vent in the floor. I got out of there quick.”
Tulane officials speculate that the reason for this state may be the Green Wave football teams latest victory, as a winning season is one of the signs of the apocalypse.
In an effort to maintain awareness about bike theft on campus, the Tulane University Police Department has revealed that the bait bikes are “tricked out” with ejector seats. “We’re really excited about these seats,” said officer Franklina Weiss, head of campus safety. “TUPD usually sees Tulane students at their worst: throwing parties, smoking weed in dorms that obviously don’t have the right kind of ventilation, public urination, knife fights, the list goes on. You can imagine that the force is very excited to be starting a program that sends thieving little good-for-nothings flying through space.”
The bait bike program started last year as a ways to discourage bike theft on campus. TUPD originally installed GPS devices on the bikes, but according to a TUPD insider, the program “boring as shit.” The new bikes are capable of throwing an average-sized Tulane student at least 100 feet in the air. “We put a bunch of them outside of first-year dorms because how cool would it be to see one of those tiny freshmen girls on the top of Monroe,” said officer Weiss, barely able to contain her glee.
“My gold Lexus was all the way in Diboll,” reported Phelps resident Courtney Glibman. “I didn’t feel like walking all the way over so, yeah, I stole a bike. Sue me.” Glibman remembers waking up in the Aron quad and is not being sued on account of her family’s excellent lawyers.
In a poll conducted by Sodexo regarding Tulane students’ food preferences , university students resoundingly chose Bruff omelets as their favorite food, followed very closely by Adderall. Bruff, has been serving omelets every morning since it opened in 1963. “I get Bruff omelets three or four times a week,” says Sophomore Pete Peterson, “they’re delicious and they keep me really regular.”
Coming in close second in the poll was Adderall, a stimulant drug used to manage ADHD. Adderall very narrowly beat out Ritalin, Vyvanse, Focalin, and Concerta.
“Adderall is one of things that are good and good for you—that’s pretty much why I like it so much” gushed Freshman Jennifer Gates, who has not slept in three days. “When I have a big test or a paper coming up, I take a lot of Adderall. I guess you could call it stress eating” she said, laughing hysterically before staring at a spot on the wall for twenty-five minutes without blinking. When asked her opinion Bruff Omelets, Jennifer admitted that she couldn’t remember the last time she ate something, and proceeded to pass out from dehydration.
Boot Pizza, Zapp’s Potato Chips and Marijuana rounded off the top five list.
On the evening of September 29, 2013, the Tulane University Police Department apprehended an illegal cockroach-fighting ring in Butler. Sources say that the ring was quite lucrative, with involved students betting anywhere from $500 to $1,000 Wavebucks per fight. The authorities also found a plethora of narcotics and steroids used to train and condition the cockroaches.
“The fighting ring started because we had all of these cockroaches and we didn’t know how to get rid of them,” commented an anonymous freshman involved in the ring. “It made perfect sense to use the cockroaches for profit.”
According to the TUPD there were about a dozen cockroaches found, who were then returned to their natural habitat of the Butler shower drains. None of the cockroaches showed any lasting physical damage, as, in the words of freshman Max Sidwell, “it’s crazy hard to get rid of those sons of bitches.”
PETA also decided to show up to the scene of the crime and picket the controversial practice of cockroach fighting. Some of the signs included “Cockroaches have feelings too,” and the ever-popular, “Keep away from cock(roaches).” The leader of the protest, Rainn Dawson, who was dressed as a giant cockroach, remarked, “We take our jobs very seriously. This costume represents the voice that we strive to give these repulsive creatures.”
When asked to comment on the situation a TUPD officer reported, “We’ve never seen anything like this before. However, I’m hardly surprised. There are so many cockroaches in that building, it was bound to happen sooner or later. Now we know to our eyes out for a tiny lizard or campus cat fighting ring.”