Today, September 25, NCAA rules official Oberyn Richardson announced that the organization would not only pardon, but provide performance enhancing drugs for Tulane sports teams this year.
“We just want to make things fair,” commented Richardson after watching Tulane sports for the last five years. “Usually we give out fines, or suspensions for those sorts of things, this is a different type of case though.”
Tulane officials were ecstatic about the news, citing how maybe the thousands of scrawny Jewish kids who come to the university muttering to themselves “Shit I could do better than that…” may actually be able to play now.
“Finally, leveling the playing field,” remarked relieved Tulane football player Osgood Freeguard while taking a break from the Tulane offseason practice of playing the illegally downloaded Backyard Football computer game on his brand new mac computer. “In terms of Backyard Football, it’s kind of like instead of just having a team of just Maria ‘Pinky’ Lunas, we have a team with Pablo, the nerdy kid with orange hair, and the kid in the wheel chair who can dunk in basketball. It really changes everything.”
Buzz around the Tulane sports program is at an all-time high, where general consensus is that this upcoming year could be the best Tulane sports year yet. Two or three wins could be on the horizon.
“It’s good to have the Green Wave back,” continued Richardson. “See, it’s not really the difference between winning and losing with these guys, it’s more of a losing terribly versus just losing, so it’s fine. It’s what the MLB has been doing with the Royals for years.”