Monthly Archives: September 2013

NCAA to Excuse Tulane from Performance Enhancing Drug Rules

Today, September 25, NCAA rules official Oberyn Richardson announced that the organization would not only pardon, but provide performance enhancing drugs for Tulane sports teams this year.

“We just want to make things fair,” commented Richardson after watching Tulane sports for the last five years. “Usually we give out fines, or suspensions for those sorts of things, this is a different type of case though.”

Tulane officials were ecstatic about the news, citing how maybe the thousands of scrawny Jewish kids who come to the university muttering to themselves “Shit I could do better than that…” may actually be able to play now.

“Finally, leveling the playing field,” remarked relieved Tulane football player Osgood Freeguard while taking a break from the Tulane offseason practice of playing the illegally downloaded Backyard Football computer game on his brand new mac computer. “In terms of Backyard Football, it’s kind of like instead of just having a team of just Maria ‘Pinky’ Lunas, we have a team with Pablo, the nerdy kid with orange hair, and the kid in the wheel chair who can dunk in basketball. It really changes everything.”

Buzz around the Tulane sports program is at an all-time high, where general consensus is that this upcoming year could be the best Tulane sports year yet. Two or three wins could be on the horizon.

“It’s good to have the Green Wave back,” continued Richardson. “See, it’s not really the difference between winning and losing with these guys, it’s more of a losing terribly versus just losing, so it’s fine. It’s what the MLB has been doing with the Royals for years.”

Tulane Students in no Danger of Infection by Brain-Eating Amoeba: “It’s the Alcohol”

Tulane doctors announced yesterday, September 22, the Naegleria fowleri amoeba presents absolutely no risk to Tulane students due to their constant alcohol intake.

The brain-eating amoeba was found earlier this week in the suburban St. Bernard drinking water supply.

“This amoeba stands absolutely no chance against the amount of alcohol in an average Tulane student’s body at any given time,” stated Carl Carcaffian, epidemiologist at Tulane hospital. “The brain-eating amoeba is only deadly if infected water goes directly up the nasal canal. As far as we can tell, the only liquid going up any student’s nasal canal is either through shotgunned beer or the new fad created by Tulane students with sinusitis who still want to go out: alcohol lavage.”

The amoeba is usually fatal within 1-12 days and only three people are believed to have survived the infection. “It’s some scary shit,” reported one Tulane sophomore. “We still have bottled water stocked up from the boil-water advisories, but just to be safe, we have also been drinking heavily since three days ago…for our health. ”

“We are happy to see Tulane students taking precautionary measures against this amoeba,” said professor Hank McHaggerty of Tulane’s Public Health department. “Our research shows that approximately 90% of Tulane students drink regularly, and around 46% have had a drink in the last hour. In fact, researchers have reported that when exposed to the ‘Hullabaloo’ chant, Naegleria fowleri will shrivel up and die on the spot.”

McHaggerty did tell the Vignette not to trust those numbers though, as the researchers were drinking while taking the polling.

Tulane President Selection to Be Done America’s Got Talent Style

Today, September 18, after much deliberation and consideration, the officials in charge of naming the new Tulane president have decided to do the search “America’s Got Talent Style.”

“Ooooo! This is so exciiiittttiinggg!!” commented Ingrid Telatovich, the Tulane official in charge of naming the next president of the university. “I love AGT! I have always been for this solution, but it did take some convincing. Do you think Nick Cannon will come? Ohhh I do hope Nick Cannon comes!”

Tulane officials have been in a deadlock these past couple weeks trying to find the means of picking the next President. Popular belief was that the next president would be chosen through the format of Dancing With The Stars, or that Japanese game show where people had to contort their bodies to get through human shaped holes in upcoming walls. The vote shifted though, as someone on the board falsely announced that Howie Mandel was “such a nice Jewish boy” when in reality he is just a bald Canadian.

Other board members are less than pleased with the decision.

“This is absurd,” stated irked board member Godfried Gunther, through his thick mustache while patting down his amateur comb-over with sausage fingers, “It’s only obvious that the next president needs something more then a talent, something deeper, an intuition for good tuition. Guts. If our next president can’t take on the Aggro Crag he can’t teach kids jack shit. Do you have it? Scott Cowen did.”

The judges for the competition are said to be made of famous Tulane Alumni, such as Newt Gingrich, Matt Forte, Jerry Springer, and Mark Wahlberg, who isn’t an alumni but as Telatovich put it, “did that one movie in New Orleans, yah know?”

Tulane Senior reads tradition page on website: “Huh”

September 10th, Tulane Senior Rickard Applebaum accidentally clicked on the traditions page of the Tulane website when trying to log onto his Tulane email account.

Applebaum, who had previously not known a tradition page, or tradition, at Tulane existed was semi-baffled by the discovery.

“Yah know, I just sat there and said ‘huh, who knew?’”, recalled Applebaum while sharing a moment with Vignette reporters. “There was the Helluva Hullabaloo song, which I previously had just though was drunk ramblings one guy was yelling when I went to the first Tulane football game of my freshman year, but that’s actually a real song.”

The traditions page, which according to Tulane officials is “admittedly thin”, cites the Gibson Hall, Wall Residential College, and “Waving Goodbye” as  Tulane traditions. That’s real: Two of those things are just buildings, the other a universal gesture.

Applebaum, while surprised to see certain things on the page, was admittedly more shocked at the absence of other things, questioning, “Where are all those great Tulane slogans we have come to love so much? Like the tradition of never going to The Boot until you’re so drunk you no longer have morals? Or that great phrase at Tulane… what is it.. something about birds… oh, Tulane where you always kill two birds with one stone, since you’re seeing double. Ooo! Or, Tulane, where the cup is always half full… of alcohol because the other half is mixer.”

In the end though, Applebaum decided to just forget about it and have a beer on the Phelps balcony at 9:00 am., as is Tulane tradition.

Student Gives Up Hopes and Dreams: Declares Accounting Major

Junior student Robert Starch has decided to give up on his hopes and aspirations by declaring himself an accounting major, as of yesterday, September 5th.

“It was a hard decision to make,” commented Starch, through a sad smile and dead eyes. “I mean, accounting is fun, right? It’s all puzzles… and numbers… and stapling… and numbers. I’ll move to the suburbs, probably have a lot of time to watch some new ABC sitcoms… just stall until I’m allowed to join the adult mahjong league at the JCC.”

Starch, who originally wanted to major in Philosophy and Photography Arts, gave up his pursuit after his five-person family had to move into a one bedroom, half bathroom apartment with one bed to pay Tulane tuition.

“I think it hit me the other day walking around New Orleans,” continued Starch as he filed for another student loan. “I was thinking to myself who I knew that was a philosophy major. Only two came to mind—the 35 year old barista working at PJ’s with one arm of colored tattoos, and the homeless man who hangs around outside of Coldstone Creamery.”

Starch’s sister Ariel, or as she has been more commonly called since Starch’s family began paying tuition, ‘Des Moine Darryl’s Main Bottom Bitch Sandy’, was unable to be reached for comment as she sold her cell phone for extra cash.

“He shows promise,” praised Accounting professor Rodger Cassel. “He has mastered that empty-inside-life-has-no-meaning look, which is really where the skill of accounting lies. I mean calculators exist, what more is there for accountants to do other then sit in cubicles? This kid is good, but he could be great. He could be the most quaint, quiet, rage filled 5’7 guy there has ever been.”



Edgy New Profile Picture Gives Sophomore Fresh Mindset on Year

After a long summer of sitting at home and re-evaluating his outlook on life, sophomore student Eugene Melrose is ready to come back to Tulane a new man, highlighted by his edgy new Facebook profile picture.

“Listen, I’m not sure it’s for everyone,” remarked Melrose behind tinted aviator sunglasses as he lounged back in his spinning chair, put his feet on his school desk, and stretched the sleeves of his pure white leather jacket while interlocking his fingers behind his head. “Listen, I’m not saying I’m not Eugene anymore, but I’m also not saying that I won’t seduce a 45-year-old and wear leopard skin pants in public. I’ve been to Bonnaroo, things are different.”

Melrose, whose new profile picture was taken at the the midsummer Tennessee music festival, spent most of his freshman year smoking weed and watching Cartoon Network on Netflix with his roommate in Sharp.

The picture, depicting Melrose wearing short shorts, no shirt, a bandanna and his new signature aviator sunglasses, was taken from behind him, as he towered over the camera on a stranger’s shoulders. In the new picture, his head is blocking the sun and his arms are spread out wide to, “gather the good vibrations and ‘sweet-atude’ of the earth’s creatures.” The hue of the picture is a special burnt orange, reminiscent of the toaster setting on Instagram which Melrose claims is, “totally natural, just the beauty of the moment sinking in. Guess ya had to be there.”

When asked how many likes the profile picture had, Melrose responded, “What? Likes? Oh, I guess I just don’t really have time to be going on to Facebook and looking, too many things to do.” When told the picture had 15 likes Melrose squinted his eyes and remarked, “It had 16 as of twenty-three minutes ago, who the hell un-likes a picture?”

Two weeks into school, Melrose’s glasses have broken after an unfortunate trip on the way to class, and he spends most his free time watching gameplay videos of Grand Theft Auto Five.