Archive for August, 2013

Riptide the Pelican Excited for New Sports Year: “..killllll mmeee…”

Wednesday, August 28th, 2013

In the annual sports pep rally today, Wednesday August 28, 2013, Riptide, the Tulane Greenwave’s lovable, excitable mascot, expressed his extreme jubilations for the upcoming season.

“kill meeeee…” rasped Riptide over and over again as he joyously grabbed people by the shoulders and shook them until they listened. “I’m a talking bird, all my friends are dead, I don’t even know if my family is still alive… don’t make me go…you don’t know what they do to me…”

Riptide, the Tulane mascot has been uplifting and delighting fans everywhere non-stop since he got separated from the rest of his kind during the BP oil spill.

“Oh Riptide, he’s so funny!” commented Greenwave fanatic and Tulane alumni Gerold Greere. “I give him a lot of credit. Sometimes it can be hard to stay so upbeat all the time, but boy, does he do it well!”

When Riptide isn’t performing as the Tulane main cheer man, he can be found in his cage under the stairwell in Reily, shaking and clawing with such enthusiasm and pleasure for the chance to root on more Tulane sports.

“My favorite part of basketball games is when they let him free, and he sprints towards the exits,” continued Greere. “It’s like he’s saying, ‘go on! Get out of here opposing team! Tulane belongs to the Green Wave, forever and always!’ He is truly a genius.”

The pep-rally ended with Riptides famous chant he does every year. He got on stage and yelled, “Let me go!” to which the crowd roared back, “At em! At em! Let me go at em!” to welcome all of the opponents Tulane would be facing this year.

Tulane Freshman Already Made Snap Judgment From Your Facebook

Monday, August 26th, 2013

August 26th, the first day of the new school year, Freshman student Benjamin Shmuel has already decided who his friends, foes, acquaintances, and perfect strangers will be for his upcoming four years of college.

“It really wasn’t very hard,” commented Shmuel while he was moving into his new dorm. “Simple, actually. It started with my roommate, Andrew Karstein. A couple of people showed up when I Facebooked him, but I saw the pictures from his summer Israel trip so I knew he went to Tulane. From there I made a snap judgment, deciding his glasses looked kind of stupid. When I saw that his interests page named one to many USA network television shows, I knew for sure I wouldn’t be spending too much time with him.”

Shmuel then went through his class Facebook page, immediately disregarded everyone who posted on it, and searched randomly from there. Within three weeks of announced rooming he already had his core group of best friends.

“More likely than not, I am going to randomly hook-up with Vicky Barstein at the boot Tuesday night and never talk to her again,” remarked Shmuel when his parents left him to unpack the room himself. “I will probably be hanging with Robby and Patrick that night, because, c’mon, we’re gonna be the crew.”

Shmuel is not the first student to do this, as Facebook stalking judgment is becoming more and more common.

Amie Turnip, a student life expert, had advice to new students who joined class Facebook groups, “If you’re going to put your name out there, be ready. That means your interests page should only be half a page long; any longer people will think you’re obsessed with yourself. The quotes section should be limited, usually one or two Taylor Swift quotes for girls will suffice, a Zoolander or Anchorman quote for guys will also make do. If you’re going to have pictures, for the love of god, make sure you don’t look like you’re taking them seriously, that is the number one way people will judge you. This isn’t a joke. Other then that though, just be yourself.”

“Facebook stalking is just our generations books,” ended Shmuel, “first impressions are important, but not nearly as important as the impression I’m going to make on myself by assuming what your impression will inevitably impress.”

For further comment, Shmuel can be seen sitting alone in the corner of Bruff.