Archive for March, 2013

Most Ordered Drink at PJ’s Directions To Nearest Starbucks

Thursday, March 7th, 2013

In a mid-term report published yesterday, March 5, PJ’s Coffee revealed that the most ordered drink at their shop was in fact direction to the nearest Starbucks.

“Oh well of course” began unsurprised New Jersey freshman Oliver Mist, after hearing about the new report. “I order that every time I go in. It’s just the right mix of frothy whip cream, vanilla bean flavor, and fuck you to the PJ’s staff. Plus, I get a great Starbucks trip out of it. It’s not that I dislike PJ’s, I just hate it and think its stupid.”

The PJ’s report stated that the second most ordered drink was a “Frappuccino”, the third was “what do you mean you don’t have Frappuccino’s, I thought this was a coffee shop?”, and the fourth was frozen hot chocolate.

“I don’t understand.” Stated perplexed PJ’s barista Antonio Roosevelt. “We have been around for a really long time. I don’t know how many times I have to explain that our sizes are small through large, I don’t know what a damn vente is. Really, it should be way easier, we are the ones using english.”

“People say that we are a southern, New Orleans chain” continued PJ’s Barista Roosevelt, “but I would really contest that uptown is our northeastern location.”

Tulane Statue Living With Testicular Cancer

Tuesday, March 5th, 2013

In a sad statement that rocked the public art world, the statue commonly known as “The Ball Statue” erected right outside of Norman Mayer hall, announced that it has been seeking treatment for advanced phase testicular cancer yesterday, March 4.

“I want to thank my friends for helping me through these difficult times” announced Ball Statue. “I want to thank especially Michael Grambling of the maintenance department for noticing a strange lump while power washing me before Mardi Gras.” Ball Statue continued: “seeing as I am a disembodied pair of testicles, I really don’t have any way to check myself regularly for testicular cancer. I don’t know where I would be if someone didn’t notice. Michael’s power washings are refreshing and strangely erotic, but they also saved my life.”

Ball Statue has been undergoing radiation at Tulane hospital since the growth was discovered. It is unclear whether doctors will have to resort to surgery.

“I feel bad for him,” said the Red Stairs to Nowhere statue, “his entire existence is pretty much ‘being a giant pair of metal testicles’ and now they’re saying that they might have to amputate half of him? That’s rough.”

Ball Statue reports that he is trying to stay in good spirits: “I would say that Lance Armstrong is an inspiration, but I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea about me.” Ball Statue then clarified to the reporter that steroids are pointless because he is “nothing but a pair of balls, forged from metal.”

Student Government will be taking donations outside of the LBC to ease the cost of treatment and Bruff is expected to start a campaign similar to “Cookies for Breast Cancer” called “Ten Thousand Boudin Balls for Testicular Cancer.”

 

After Second Water Advisory This Year, Whole Campus Suspiciously Looks At Kappa Sigma Fraternity

Monday, March 4th, 2013

Yesterday, Sunday March 4th, after the second boil water advisory this year, students across the Tulane campus were seen pointing and whispering at the Kappa Sigma fraternity brothers in cautious suspicion.

“Now I’m not saying they did it, in fact I’m not saying anything at all,” said un-fooled sophomore Eric Krinkelson while rubbing his chin and squinting, in a suspicious manner, “But I’m not saying they didn’t either. All I’m saying is something is up here, something fishy…”

Kappa Sig, which has recently changed their secret handshake to a slap on the forehead followed by a shaking of their heads, comment on the increased wariness of the community around them.

“Contamination?” Kappa Sig Spokesperson Altoid Drummond questioned in a recent interview, “You guys can’t be serious, right? I mean what drugs would we even be able to contaminate the water supply wit— oh come on, that’s not even fair, that was like ONE TIME.”

“Wait, so are we not going to get the heat for this one?” Asked New Orleans city councilman Oscar DeLazio, “Because that would be great. Lets not focus on the fact that one of the most major cities in America has had their water supply contaminated twice in the past year. You know what, I’m going to stop talking.”

“Well, I guess I just kind of assume now…” Mentioned Krinkelson, “Oh and did I mention I saw a Kappa Sig brother at Bruff once? I didn’t NOT see him steal anything, so who knows.”

Krinkelson continued to speculate until he ended with “I mean, I assume the best way to poison a water supply is with newspaper ink…”