Yesterday, Friday, December 8, Tulane Vignette writer Purvis Short reportedly used The Tulane Vignette as a pickup line at a party, only to be instantly rejected within seconds of stating the line.
“It really went downhill fast,” Short reminisced on the situation, “I said my name, she said her name was Jessica, and then I immediately went for the, ‘so, you don’t happen to read the Tulane Vignette, do you?’ at that point she said yes and I thought I had it in the bag. Then I dropped the old line of, ‘you know, I write for that paper.’ From there the rejection was instant.”
Reports say that the laughter from Jessica Teber was so loud that the music stopped and all surrounding party members turned from their conversations.
“He thought that would make me sleep with him!” Jessica told reporters, giggling through the story as she told it, “The Tulane Vignette? The newspaper that had an entire article devoted to sexiling someone to masturbate alone? Psh, yeah, I want to sleep with that guy… definitely one of the better parts of my night. I mean, he couldn’t have even lied and said he wrote for the Hullabaloo? Weak.”
Despite the unfortunate turn of events, Short still has his chin up. “It’s ok, I’ve had worst. I put this right in between ‘You remember, the boil water advisory? My fault’ and ‘I have bowel issues.’”
Friday, December 7, Freshman girl Amy Berger found out the freshman fifteen she thought she had gained was actually just baby weight from her unknown pregnancy.
“I just had no idea,” said a stunned Berger, reliving the moment when she found out the news, “After gaining so much weight in my first four months here I really didn’t know what was causing it. I guess I feel relieved; at least I’m not just getting fat.”
After a particularly large meal at Bruff commons, Amy started to notice the added weight.
“My friend made a food baby joke,” said the still shocked Amy, “and I thought to myself- wait, is that possible? That’s when I took the test and found out the news. I had to tell A-dawg the news, he didn’t take the news quite as I had thought.”
A-dawg, the father of the unborn baby, was ecstatic about the upcoming pregnancy.
“Oh, thank god!” A-dawg told reporters this afternoon, “I thought I had just accidentally hooked up with a fat girl! You can’t imagine how comforted I am by this news. Maybe we can name the baby thunderdome, after my dorm room where he was conceived.”
Tulane officials report A-dawg being less happy when told that it was too late for plan b, and plans c through z weren’t “real things.”
When asked what she plans to do next Berger responded with a resounding, “I really don’t know. I feel like the most unlucky person ever. Well, not most unlucky, at least I didn’t get pregnant at Loyola.”