Archive for November, 2012

Freshman Student Gets Last Time Slot For Class Sign Up

Sunday, November 18th, 2012

In probably the most unlucky thing to happen to him since hooking up with a guy at The Boot, freshman Andy Cesar found himself with the last time slot to sign up for classes yesterday, November 17th.

“This is ridiculous,” commented an obviously agitated Cesar, “I had my perfect schedule planned out. I was going to take Buddhism, Creative Writing, and Calculus at 3 P.M. It was my dream schedule.”

Unfortunately for Cesar, when all of his classes were booked the other options for his second semester became much more abstract.

“I don’t understand. The only class that was open for my noon timeslot is called ‘Into to Theory’. What the fuck does that even mean?! THEORY OF WHAT?”

Reports say Cesar began to grow angrier and angrier as he scrolled through the list of possible class options.

“I have to take a class on Roman Alchemy. There is no way that is relevant. Actually, screw relevance, there is no way the Romans used Alchemy. The only other way for me to get to 16 complete credit hours is if I take ‘Sexual Puppetry.’ Please Tulane, please, don’t make me take that class.”

“Hmmm oh, yeahhh its just an overall fun class,” commented Professor Silvius, the professor in charge of Sexual Puppetry, while consistently liking his lips to keep them moist. “Well you know it’s just, um, a great way to explore your own sexuality and learn a lot about the history and philosophy of it. Needless to say, I’m incredibly excited to have my first student… and such a strapping one as Cesar. Sometimes its just easier in puppet form…”

 

OH MY GOD WE ELECTED A BLACK PRESIDENT

Wednesday, November 7th, 2012

In a shocking turn of events last night, Tuesday, November 6, elected president Barack Obama turned out to be African American.

“Does that mean he was black the past four years as well?” asked bewildered student Austin Starpich, “I mean, who knew? That’s so strange… are you sure he was born in America? Not someplace like… I don’t know, Kenya? We should ask to see his birth certificate or something.”

Obama was elected last night for his second term of being African American, making him the first second black president…or the second first black presidents…or the first time second term first black president…WHATEVER he’s black, you get it.

“This is terrific news,” continued Starpich, “My once you go black you never go back joke is finally in style. I mean, do people know about this? This should really be big news. It looks like Kanye West needs a new excuse for hurricane Sandy.”

After discovering that Obama was African American today, the reporters at the Tulane Vignette asked Starpich if he knew what race Mitt Romney was. “Oh he’s, white… he is definitely white.”

Facebook Quarantined After Political Opinion Epidemic Outbreak

Tuesday, November 6th, 2012

Tuesday, November 6, national election day, the popular social networking website Facebook had to be quarantined from the greater public as college students everywhere broke into a terrible case of political and voting activism.

“It was terrible,” trembled Tulane freshman Nate Booker. “I logged onto Facebook, and instead of the normal funny cat pictures and complaining status’s on my homepage, everything was just yelling at me to vote, and who to vote for. It doesn’t even make sense, everyone at college already sent in their absentee ballot…”

The disease first showed up on the map late last night with Daniel Corey’s status of ‘Vegetables are important, eat your Barack-oli’ and from there the capital letters, terrible puns, and guilt ridden messages spread like wild-fire.

“There is no doubt it’s a viral disease,” Said medical expert Doctor Vicente Padilla, “The worry is that its going to spread from Facebook. Twitter will be the next step, and then who knows, maybe it could go offline. God damn, how annoying would that be?”

Picture uploads to facebook have also been at an all time high today, as thousands of people continue to put up photos of their filled out ballot, or selfies directly post voting.

“Its important that everyone know what voting is,” Said Alfred Stephans, a recently discovered political activist, and self proclaimed expert. “I put that burdon on myself. Anyways, how else could I possibly show that I like voting more than you?”

Parent Gets TEMS’d

Monday, November 5th, 2012

This past saturday, November 3rd, Parent Audrey Ostrager had to be taken to a nearby hospital by the Tulane Emergency Medical Service, after drinking too much and “going all New Orleans 2012! Body shots, YOLO!!” while visiting her son for parents weekend.

“I don’t know what happened after that man offered me shots at Rocco’s” said the 53 year old Ostrager the next morning after getting back from the hospital, “All I know is I have 8 new contacts in my phone, my clothes smell like a weird mix of cigarette smoke and pizza sauce, my shoes are covered with a layer of mud, and the words ‘Lamborghini Mercy’ are tattooed on my lower back. I don’t even know what that means.”

Ostrager apparently went out with a couple of her child’s friends’ parents, who also did not remember much of the night before.

“It was terrible” said William Ostrager, Audreys son. “We planned on getting breakfast the next day when we left each other at 7. Next thing I know I’m hooking up with a girl and my mom is in the back cheering me on. Then she started dancing on my friend. Some things you just cant un-see…”

Ostrager and her son had breakfast the next morning, and reportedly only made small talk and didn’t address any of the spectacle from the night before.