Archive for October, 2012

Student Does Not Understand Why Dark Lord Is Teaching Politics

Wednesday, October 31st, 2012

When looking at available classes for second semester this past Monday, October 29, Tulane sophomore Conroy Gibbs could not understand why there was a political science class taught by the actor who plays Voldemort from the Harry Potter movies, James Carville.

“I don’t get it, what does he know about politics?” Asked a confused Gibbs looking baffled at his computer, “I thought his specialty would be dark arts, or maybe something chemistry based. But politics?”

James Carville, the only person to come out of the womb as a full adult, teaches a class here at Tulane, and is a regular political commentator of CNN.

“Wait- he is a political science teacher?” asked confused freshman Tony Trent, “I thought he was that movie star from that one movie Being John Malkovich.”

Carville has made an incredible recovery from his fall into Mount Doom at the end of the third Lord Of The Rings, and has been attending numerous rehab sessions for addiction to “his precious” ring.

When Gibbs rethought the idea of why the master of evil and destruction would be teaching a class on political structure, he wasn’t surprised. “Oh actually that makes a lot of sense.”

Freshman Microwaves Weed To Cover Up Smell Of Popcorn

Friday, October 26th, 2012

Yesterday, Thursday October 25, freshman student Ashton Browner was arrested when TUPD officers found that he had accidentally microwaved his marijuana instead of making his usual popcorn.

“I guess I got confused,” commented freshman student Browner, “I didn’t realize what had happened until I started walking around my hall and everyone was high. I thought it tasted less buttery than normal.”

Browner had achieved the nickname Orville among his friends for making popcorn so often in his dorm room.

“There is no way he likes popcorn that much,” Said popcorn personality and butter enthusiast Orville Redenbacher. “No fucking way.”

“This episode was stranger than usual,” reminisced TUPD officer Gary Mcshanton, “Usually we get calls from RA’s and they sound angry, or worried, but this time we got the call from the RA and he just kept asking ‘how do I know my insides are working if I can’t feel them?!’ Needless to say we were confused.”

“I’ll tell you what,” remarked Browner, “Smoking that popcorn wasn’t to comfortable either.”

This has been the most confusing weed related incident since students realized the neighborhoods around campus also have to abide by laws.

No One More Excited For Basketball Season Than Football Team

Thursday, October 25th, 2012

With college basketball season fast upcoming, excitement for Green Wave hoops is at an all time high, much to the delight of the football team.

“Enough of us, lets talk about basketball!” Said Tulane defensive end Jonathan Montania, “I really like their chances this year. What’s most important though is that they have fan support, so all of the Tulane Sports fans out there should back them up 100 percent. Really though, they should put all of their attention and energy into basketball. All of it.”

Tulane football this year may be one of the only teams in the history of college football to not be able to score their AP ranking of 124 the entire year.

“It’s been strange so far,” commented Basketball start Derrick Donovan, “Today was our first day of practice, so it’s usually just the team who shows up. This year though the entire football team was in the stands rooting us on. After practice finished they all just kept thanking us and shaking our hands… it was kind of nice.”

Green Wave basketball press representative Oscar Johnson did not take the new found attention from the football team so well though.

“What? Excited for basketball? I think you mean baseball! Yeah, baseball is going to be great this year, we should really keep all of our attention on baseball. All of it.”

Freshman Sexiles Roommate To Quietly Masturbate Alone

Wednesday, October 24th, 2012

After another night of unsuccessfully taking advantage of girls at the boot, freshman Alan Chester reportedly sexiled his roommate on the night of October 12 for the sole purpose of masturbating.

Appallingly horny and embarrassingly alone upon his return from The Boot, Chester opted to kick out roommate Tyler Bryant, claiming “I…ugh..have a girl coming? Her name is Jack…alyn”. Bryant, excited that his roommate was finally getting some, quickly evacuated the room and headed to the floor lounge.

“We agreed in our roommate contract to give each other an hour or so to
finish his business, but he insisted that he only needed ten minutes, which I found odd”, noted Bryant. According to witnesses in the floor lounge, Bryant realized that he had forgotten his cell phone in his room and went to retrieve it. “I was confident that I had time to get it” Bryant claimed, “I figured the girl couldn’t have gotten there that quickly”.

Upon re-entering his room, Bryant found Chester with one arm wrist deep in
a Vaseline container, and the other holding up a mirror, all whilst singing Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get it On. “Yeah I mean I was initially startled, but in hindsight I’m not even mildly surprised”, explained Bryant.

Tulane officials have released a report regarding the incident, stating that this has been the strangest case of masturbation since the public spectacle at The Boot.

Tulane Skateboarder Forgets How To Walk

Monday, October 22nd, 2012

Reports say that sophomore Marty Brent has not attended a single class due to the fact his skateboard broke in two last Sunday, October 14, while trying  a “totally gnarly” kick flip off of the benches in front of the LBC.

“I don’t know what happened,” questioned Brent, “All I know is that was in the air, doing the flip, then everything went black. I woke up in my bed and haven’t been able to move since.”

Brent’s roommate says he seemingly has no injuries, and appears “the exact same as usual.”

“I don’t understand.” Yelled the frustrated Brent through teary eyes, “I just nonchalantly stand there like I normally do, but I’m not moving. Something is seriously wrong.”

Brent said he first noticed something wrong when he wasn’t in his Anthropology class Monday morning at 10 am.

“I did everything I normally do. I put on my backwards hat, didn’t tie my shoes, listened to my dub step version of kick push by Lupe Fiasco… I even grew out my goatee. I still wasn’t moving though.”

Brent’s roommate has been bringing food to him this past week, “I thought he was going to die. He’s just been urinating in jars.”

When asked whether or not he would be able to get food this week Brent replied, “Food? I just can’t miss ULTRA… that would be disastrous.”

Illegal Loyola Immigration Growing Problem

Thursday, October 18th, 2012

Tulane students across campus have begun to complain, as the amount of illegal Loyola immigrants is at an all time high on campus as of yesterday, October 12.

“This is becoming ridiculous,” Commented Adam Scottsmen. “I know that our campus is paved with gold, and thrives over people from all around the world attending classes here, but Loyola kids as well? That just seems like it’s crossing the line.”

Tulane students’ biggest problem with the rising immigration issue may be the lack of on campus jobs left to the student body. This concern was brought up at one of the recent student debates held on campus.

“I don’t see why all of the jobs have to be filled up by Loyola students,” preached anti-immigration activist Daniel Martin. “There are no available jobs that are hiring! How am I supposed to make any money to spend on drugs and alcohol?”

When told that the warehouse maintenance and plumbing jobs were still hiring Martin responded, “Yeah, but… I don’t want to do those.”

“Over crowding has been a huge problem,” recognized concerned Tulane student Preston Thompson. “Every time I walk to my 12:00 class McAlister and the academic quad are so crowded. It’s like there isn’t even enough room for me to drive my golf cart there, and I got it just for that purpose. That has to be solved, and if it isn’t Loyola people walking to and from class, who could it be?”

“Listen, I like the Tulane campus,” Commented Margaret Therold, a Loyola student. “I like the Loyola campus, too. You guys know that when we come to Tulane it’s usually just because it’s on our way to the boot, right? It’s not like we are moving into your dorms.”

The immigration crisis has only escalated since the controversial laws passed independently by Monroe building officials. “Listen, we aren’t saying that they are definitely illegal,” commented Alfred Mongol, the original drafter of the law. “But if they look Catholic, then we are going to have see their splash card.”

Beyond the overcrowding and job crisis, certain Tulane officials are worried about the drug culture in Loyola spilling onto Tulane’s campus.

“We all know about the drug cartels in Loyola,” started Timothy Quentin, president of the Tulane Young Republicans. “They are dangerous and if we let that into Tulane, then we are in for some serious problems. Our students may even try smoking weed, and a select few could be at risk for cocaine. Tulane has never seen the likes of those problems.”

When asked about solutions for the problem, Quentin referenced the fence separating the two universities. “I know its there, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe we could make it higher? Could we also make a moat? Something needs to be done.”

While these problems continue to press the Tulane society, Tulane officials have no timetable for any kind of affirmative action, stating “I don’t know, when is the next student government election?”

This Fence is Actually There

Vignette Writers Can’t Think Of Anything More Ridiculous Than Actual Events Of The Day

Wednesday, October 17th, 2012

Wednesday, October 17th, untrue SHOOTER alert messages were sent out to the entire Tulane campus, causing mass uproar among the student body.

“Holy Shit” commented Vignette writer Leo Tolstoy, sitting around a large circular stone table in the Vignette’s underground lair, 3 miles below McAlister auditorium, “I literally can not think of anything more ridiculous then what actually happened today. What do we do? I don’t think we have ever run into this problem before.”

The event was not only untrue, but took place somewhere that straight up just didn’t exist.

“That’s comedy gold,” commented Vignette editor Wally Sczerbiack, “I thought that we were the only satirical organization on campus, little did I know that we are also dealing with a satirical alert system. This brings out some new competition.”

Reports say that Tulane sent out three emails, one to warn the campus of the shooter, the second to say the first wasn’t true, and a third email that Tulane officials are calling the “you should of seen the look on your faces” message.

“God Damn, Princeton hall?” Sczerbiack added “I can’t even think of a more generic, college sounding name then that. Genius.”

After a semester that included a hurricane, two days where the students couldn’t use running water, and a fake shooter warning, Vignette writers are really starting to wonder whether or not the university is just fucking with them.

“This is just too ridiculous to be true.”

Green Wave Football Team Wins, New Orleans Goes Regular

Tuesday, October 16th, 2012

After a shocking Tulane Green Wave Football victory this past Saturday, October 13, the Tulane campus and city of New Orleans is going absolutely, insanely, ape-shit normal.

“I remember it was fall break and everyone was away,” reminisced excited Tulane student Francis Dumerville, right after finding out the big winning news, “Those two friends of mine who always go to the football game were totally slightly happier then normal. The next day when everybody came back to campus, we got to tell them the news. They were freaking out and yelling ‘oh, I guess that’s pretty cool’. It was totally regular.”

Reports say that the night of the win Frenchman street played music all night, seafood was served around the city, and things got so normal that two or three Tulane students were TEMS’d.

“Ah man, you should have seen Bourbon street!” claimed excited Tulane student James Gronkite. “There was drinking in the streets, people were throwing beads from their balconies, strip clubs were even open directly to the public. It was just like how it normally is!”

As the football game ended, the 500 Tulane fans in the Superdome that seats 82,000, stormed the field out of excitement.

“It was slightly overcrowded,” commented Tulane Running Back Ashton “speedy” Simmons. “If we were still playing the game we probably would have been called for too many people on the field. We might have been able to get away with it though.”

Daniel Wombok, a Michigan student visiting his best friend from highschool at Tulane for the win commented on the completely routine atmosphere: “Wow, thank god Tulane doesn’t win more games. New Orleans would just be crazy, can you imagine if it was like this every weekend?”

 

1’Fight For Breast Cancer’ Cookies Linked To Diabetes

Monday, October 15th, 2012

According to numerous sources, Bruffs new “Fight For Breast Cancer” cookies have been linked to a rise in Diabetes within the Tulane community.

“We just don’t understand it,” commented baffled doctor Roscoe Mcgriff. “There is something about these sugary, chocolate stuffed cookies that is causing obesity and diabetes within the Tulane community. We have sent the cookies to the lab, but we are still waiting for a response.”

Tulane Officials reports that obesity hasn’t been this prevalent on campus since Crawfest. Every year.

“It’s messing around with my emotional reactions,” Claimed freshman student Daniel Statsman. “Now every time someone mention breast cancer my mouth salivates and I start to feel hungry… it’s pretty screwed up.”

Students are trying to do their part in order to raise awareness for breast cancer by trying to reach the 100,000 cookie goal set in Bruff. That is 100,000 cookies for maybe 4,000 students who use Bruff.

“I ate 30 of them,” said sophomore student Terry Mcgill, “You know, to help raise awareness for breast cancer. I’m just trying to do my part for the greater good of society.”

Tulane officials have started a new initiative to raise awareness for diabetes prevention with new “End Diabetes” cigarettes being given away in the sitting area outside the business school.

 

Student Leaving For Fall Break, Accidentally Schedules Flight For ‘Boot O’ Clock’

Wednesday, October 10th, 2012

Wednesday, October 10, freshman student Dillon Gambit was surprised on arrival at the airport to find that he had accidentally booked his flight home for “Boot O’ Clock.”

“Shit, I don’t know what I was thinking,” said Gambit after realizing his mistake, “I mean I guess I just wanted my flight to be during a time when I knew I was having the best time possible. There should be a ‘Plane O’ Clock’, for a state of inebriation when, instead of being disgusted by all the gross shit on planes, you’re actually kind of turned on by them.”

Gambit was reportedly seen talking to the stewardess for 15 minutes before realizing he had meant to just say 2 P.M.

“We argued with him on the phone for at least an hour” Stated airline stewardess Regina Lee, “We kept asking him what time, and he kept insisting on ‘Boot O’ Clock’. Whenever we asked him when that was there would be a silence on the other end and he would just say, ‘it’s not yet, not yet’.”

“Boot O’Clock is a magical time.” Said Gambit “It occurs sometime between 11-2, but is never defined by the hour. It’s kind of like platform 9 ¾ in Harry Potter. You only know its there when your looking for it, and once you enter you feel like anything is possible.”

Gambit rescheduled his flight for Friday, but could not contain his discontent for the airport, “I don’t get it, this is the New Orleans airport, how could they not know what ‘Boot O’clock’ is?”

Airport officials have not been this confused since MC Hammer traveled to New Orleans and booked his flight for “Hammer Time”.