Archive for September, 2012

Tulane Student Already Tired After Stairs To Reily

Saturday, September 29th, 2012

In what started as a valiant effort to be healthy one goddamn time, Tulane student Gabe Pollack is already tired after only walking up the stairs to Reily.

After a seemingly endless walk all the way to the on-campus Reily Sports Center, student Pollack looked at the staircase, took one deep sigh, and then made one continuous groan as he hiked up the staircase to the doors of the favorite student gym.

“I came here to exercise, not walk up some shitty stairs” Gabe was seen mumbling to himself as he flung his arms around, zig-zagging up the staircase through three step bursts, “If I wanted to walk up some fucking stairs I’d live in Monroe or something.”

At the top of the staircase Pollack was seen heavily panting, bent over sideways with his hand on his knees and sweat dripping down his face.

“I’ve never seen anyone drink an entire water bottle so quickly” Reports Freddy Williams, an eye witness to the event. “Its just not hard to tell his Boot to Reily ratio (BTR) is like 10 to 1.”

After standing at the top of the staircase for a few minutes with hands on hips looking seemingly into blank space, Pollack turned around, went strait back to his dorm and immediately went back to bed.

Incidents like this are becoming more and more frequent at Tulane University, to the point where a movement has been started to remodel Riley and bring it 20 feet closer to the ground. “It’s just too fucking high,” Gabe Pollack says, “way too fucking high.”

Undercover Cop at Boot Brings Girl Back To Dorm

Saturday, September 29th, 2012

Undercover police officer Randy Montitus was seen taking a girl back to a dorm room last night, September 26th. This is the second girl Montitus has taken back this week.

“I was on duty with my partner Joe” Montitus explained, “We were patrolling, looking to give out some MIP’s, when this girl started dancing with me. At first I resisted but then she started doing this thing with her hips… before I knew it she was naked and under her covers.”

“I saw him start dancing with her, and then I lost him.” Partner Joe recalled, “The next time I saw him he was outside the boot leaving with the girl smiling with his tongue out, making harsh looking pelvic thrusts at me”.

Montitus was said to have been seen repeatedly trying to grab random girls’ butts as he walked back to the dorm with his girl.

“I went to highfive my bro the next morning only to realize I wasn’t in college anymore. Needless to say I was confused.” Monitius explained “I tried selling it off like I was just reallllly deep undercover. I don’t know if the chief bought it.”

“That mans a genius.” Remarked chief TUPD officer Reynolds. “He is so in.”

Montitus was seen the next morning walking back to his squad car, hair a mess, sperrys untied, button down shirt undone, and croakies hanging sideways off of his neck.

“I know that girl was drinking underage while dancing with me. Its just a matter of time before I call her, have sex with her again, and then totally bust her.”

“Its just part of his job” Said Montitus’s wife, “I know how important being undercover is to him. I mean, we need someway to feed our three children.”

Outrage over 3rd Fire Drill In a Week, Students Burn Building

Saturday, September 29th, 2012

Sharp Residence Hall Right Before Burning

After three fire drills in a span of five days, freshmen of the Sharp residence hall have set fire to the building seemingly out of pure anger.

After minutes upon minutes of sitting outside on the beach volleyball court for the third time this week, mildly annoyed students took to arms by burning the entire building to the floor.

“I mean, we were getting impatient, what else were we going to do” Said freshman Steven Glover. “I remember standing outside the dorm with my roommate in his towel, when someone yelled ‘Fuck this shit’, and then everyone just took out their lighters.”

According to Glover, before the fire alarm sounded at midnight, most kids were reportedly playing FIFA, sleeping, or just generally screwing around doing nothing. “Needless to say the entire building needed to burn. I haven’t been that upset since the last fire drill.”

Freshman Maddy Tasini reflects on the attitude inside the building when the fire alarm first went off. “I just remember walking past the 3rd floor common room and seeing that kid Aaron. He was rocking back and forth in the corner of the room whispering ‘Oh they want a fire, ill give them a fire’. Everybody agreed he was the most sane person in the room.”

Tulane officials say this is the worst incident since the indoor boredom drowning’s during hurricane Isaac.