11 Ways to Stop Slipping Into Your Uber Driver’s Accent

It’s 9:13 on a Friday night. You’re leaving a happy hour where you consumed a 1:1 ratio of nachos and margs and it’s time to roll out to your next destination. Just when your friend Becky is about to launch into a diatribe about her ex-thing Fred, your Uber rolls up, a beacon in the night. You tumble into the back seat and Sergei offers you a water, and a mystery: Where is that accent from? How can you show Sergei, your knight in 5-star armor, your sweet, gentle driver, how much he means to you? You haven’t even made it through the first red light when it happens: you start to ask sweet Sergei how long he’s been driving for Uber in a butchered imitation of his own accent. You fucked up.

 

Rewind. Before you let your fuck up of a self ruin one more intrapersonal relationship, albeit with an Uber driver you will never see again, try one of these helpful tips to stop yourself from slipping into your Uber driver’s accent.

 

  1. Shove five of those tiny water bottles straight into your pie-hole.
  2. Overcompensate by talking about how Benjamin Franklin invented the bifocals.
  3. Take the time to perform as much of Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven” as you remember from when you had to recite it in front of your English class in 10th grade.
  4. Politely avoid conversation entirely by asking them to “Keep to your fucking self, please, Andrei.”
  5. Answer his question, “Any big plans for the weekend?” by rolling your window down, sticking your head out, and panting like your neighbor’s dog Annie.
  6. Answer his question, “Any big plans for the weekend?” by rolling your window down, sticking your head out, and saying “ Can’t you just feel the life running through you?”
  7. Play your voicemails out loud.
  8. Just start yelling, “LOVE TRUMPS HATE!”
  9. Ask for the aux and play the audiobook of The Blind Side by John Lee Hancock.
  10. Stick your phone in your mouth.
  11. Ask them, “So, do you like the flexibility of the hours?” and they’ll monologue for a while.Screen Shot 2017-03-10 at 11.26.18 AM

the attachments to this post:

Screen Shot 2017-03-10 at 11.26.18 AM
Screen Shot 2017-03-10 at 11.26.18 AM


No Comments so far.

Leave a Reply